Thornbridge - Halcyon

From the artists that brought us Jaipur and Wild Swan comes Halcyon a 7.4% Imperial IPA that is big on character and comes with a pedigree. The guys at Thornbridge, who strike me as a group of potentially mad scientists who I can imagine owning the best moustaches in history, do things properly, they don't mess around with piddling little pieces of nonsense like pasteurisation or filtration, that kind of thing, I imagine, is for handicapped people and little baby boys who will one day grow up to have an odd obsession with My Little Pony.

You are instantly greeted with a strong, heady, hoppy aroma that says, in plain English, "welcome to big boy beer, try not to spill any ya big Jessie!" The taste is deliciously malty and bitter with hints of berries and the slightest whiff of dried mango, which precedes a bitter tang that persists in the front of the pallet after a big, satisfying swig. The sensation is truly intriguing, I've never had a beer where you can only taste it at the front of your mouth, it's like all the flavour goes nuts the moment you drink it and you're just left to gulp down all that lovely alcoholic water, as if the booze itself was just a delivery system for the bitter, hoppy, flavour as opposed to it being the other way around.

Jaipur and Wild Swan were epically sessionable beers that were simple, no nonsense and tasty. You would have to be an old timey gent with a moustache the length and breadth of South Yorkshire to think it would be a good idea to session this because, at 7.4%, it has the gumption to put you on the floor quicker than Vladimir Putin Judo throwing a grizzly bear. Halcyon seems to be one of several efforts on the part of Thornbridge, though I'm sure no actual effort is necessary since they consistently make such good beer, to make beer for the real beer drinker, not a beer for the kids who occasionally try something in a bottle between binges on snake bite or old gits in grotty pubs who still think that Bass is the best beer is ever going to get, no, Halcyon (as well as a few others by Thornbridge) is a beer for the beer drinker with the golden pallet and a taste for exploration.

Everything about this beer is satisfying, though each bit is satisfying to a different degree. The colour isn't far off what a wheat bear should look like, it has a cloudy body that reminds me of the kind of honey that you have to buy in farm shops. It has a head that clings to the glass like a child clings to a parents leg and the overall texture and feel is smooth and easy going but not smooth enough that you would become complacent. The bitterness takes some of that away but it brings in a new level that just lingers and makes it as moreish as pressing a big red button that is attached to the pleasure centre of your brain. Thornbridge are one of the reasons I rate English beer so highly and it's because where other countries have a trademark, a specialty, we have companies who can do all of those things to a similar level. Thornbridge have so many strings to their bow that the bow can no longer really be considered a bow... More a harp.

Halcyon is definitely worth your time and money if you are a fan of strong bitter things. I remember this being under a fiver at The Bottle Shop, a place I constantly plug because they manage to find me lots of beer that I like.

Food Suggestion: I remember having a blueberry crème brulee at a restaurant in either Folkestone or Tenterden, I can't remember which but that would go perfectly with this. Something creamy and slightly sour just to kick things up a notch.

Drink this if you like: Jaipur, Wild Swan or any other Thornbridge tipple, though if you've never tried anything by Thornbridge then you would like this if you're a fan of St. Peters or the Bath Ales.

Thwaites - Wainright

Named for the famous Lakeland writer Alfred Wainright, Wainright (the golden ale) seems to suffer from some sort of split personality and is definitely an example of why judging a book by it's cover is a past time for the dim witted and arrogant. I had this beer a long time ago, I bought it because I was trying to work my way through every beer that Waitrose sold (which I have now succeeded in completing,) but I wasn't very optimistic about the contents of the, bland looking, brown, white and gold clad bottle that has a pencil sketch of a man, sitting against a rock, in a field, smoking a pipe, which, on the visual excitement scale, ranks up there with being forced to watch a reel of an agoraphobics holiday snaps. On top of that the text describing the beer seems to be in Comic Sans, how was I supposed to take this beer seriously at all?!

Well, far from being a watery session ale drunk exclusively by hermits and people whose core source of income comes from picking bits of cheese and pie crust from their beards and reconstituting it as folk art, Wainright is both fun and playful! It bubbles happily when you pour it before settling down like an excitable cocker spaniel after a lengthy walk, and it has such a satisfying, dark, golden hue that could fool you into thinking you were drinking a lager. It's a little frisky on the nose but not overwhelming and the taste is a little cakey with a punch of grapefruit. The smoothness and the feel, on top of the colour, make this a beer to be enjoyed all year round, whether as an alternative for a fine lager in summer or as a warming and refreshing pint after a tough day grafting in snowy winter.

I'm sorry I ever doubted Wainright, but I stand by what I said, this could be called something obscure and modern like "That Feeling You Get When You Fart In Someone Else's House" or "Inappropriate Groping" and it wouldn't be out of place. It is only that this has been done traditionally... And that's weird.

Food Suggestion: A nice nutty cheese like a Mountain Comte or a hard sheep cheese if you can get your mits on any.

Drink this if you like: Hobgoblin is fairly similar in elements of their respective tastes though if you like fine lagers like Brooklyn or St Mungo then you'd probably find this a nice transition to ale.

Fuller's - ESB

Widely considered, so says the bottle, to be one of the best beers the world has ever given us. It is hard to look past the awards for "world's champion bitter" and "Britain's best" but does it deserve the praise it has received?

Yes... Of course it does. A beer can't become this popular and renowned world wide if it's a big old pint of cat piss with a frothy top now can it? ESB is one of many shining diamonds in the Fuller's repertoire, a repertoire that is steeped in both history and grandeur. The beer is slightly hoppy on the nose and tastes like a delicious mix of thick cut marmalade and figgy pudding with a smoothness that would put Rasputin himself to shame and a finish as predictably one sided as an Italian football match. The, lightly effervescent, dark amber body is aesthetically satisfying and the pour is as easy as pouring milk. I was rather violent with the pour and the fizz never took the reigns and bolted, it is a magnificently well behaved beer.

It may well not be as powerful or deep and intricate as some of the new breed of beers but this has well earned it's reputation. It's like a sweet cup of tea and slippers after a Sunday roast, it's as soothing as a walk through a field of bluebells and as warming as a low, comfortable, armchair in front of a fire. It even has hidden whiskey notes near the end that give you a little kick once you start to get too cosy with it but it always brings you back to a smooth body and a sweet core, the comparison to whiskey doesn't end there because when you get right down to the dregs the beer itself starts to resemble a single malt that you just want to swirl around the bottom of your glass. It's a house cat that occasionally likes to flex it's claws while it sits purring on your lap and at 5.9% those claws could well draw blood if you linger too long, but for the most part ESB is a leisurely jaunt into the world of good beersmithing (a term I wish to coin,) and I advise anyone who hasn't tried it to try it at least once.

Food Suggestion: Best had post-dinner with cheese, grapes and some chutney. Better had with hard cheese, maybe a nice Applewood cheddar with a spot of Cambozola just to mix things up a bit.

Drink this if you like: It's unfair to compare this to ALL of the other Fuller's because that involves Chiswick and Bengal Lancer which fall, dramatically, short of this standard as well as Past Masters Double Stout and the Vintage which are delicious and somewhat surpass this in certain areas. It may sound odd but if you've ever had Honeydew by Fuller's, one I consider to be more of their gimmick beer, and you liked it then I think you'll enjoy the sweet smoothness of ESB.

Wold Top - Scarborough IPA

Yet another one I found in the bargain bin at my local "everything you'll ever need" warehouse/store/football pitch full of pushy customers, Scarborough Fair IPA is one I originally mistook for Wold Gold, a beer I had been advised to get by a friend, but upon finding out it was Wold Top I became despondent and decided to leave it to the side for a while. Tonight, however, is the time for the Wold to shine.

It is a fresh smelling, honey coloured pint with a clean, white, head and low carbonation. I was so excited about trying this considering the other two I got in the bargain bin were really surprising. This has the potential to be surprising but falls just short of being interesting and drops unceremoniously into the category of just being strange. The opening flavours of citrus, honey and hops mixed with a smooth body make it a pleasant pint but it's all brought down by an acidic and bitter after taste that just ruins the whole thing for me.

It may well just be this specific bottle that has that after taste and I hate saying that any beer is a bad beer but this dips WELL below the bench mark for the India Pale Ale, it dips well below the bench mark of anything I'd even consider to be beer. It has potential but it doesn't feel finished, it doesn't taste like the kind of thing you'd go up to Yorkshire to have with a nice carvery. That's what's important, for me at least, about any beer that claims to be from Yorkshire, it needs to go well with a roast, it needs to blend well with big hearty meals, it needs to be bigger and bolder. It may well be the kind of thing they make for us Southern Faeries but THIS Southern Fairy expects better.

Food Suggestion: Something with big flavours to COMPLETELY overpower this beer. Try and keep it away from any food... Try and keep it away from you, there are so many better beers out there.

Drink this if you like: That taste in your mouth after you've been violently sick.

Castle Rock - Screech Owl

Whilst looking for something interesting to review I stumbled upon a bargain bin where a big range of beers were going for the low low price of 1 English pound. I don't normally do this because I think it's a shallow and uneducated way of doing things but I picked this beer purely on the fact that the label had a freakin' scary owl on it. So what did I let myself in for?

I let myself in for a decent IPA that tastes of dry, smoky, grapefruit and not like any form of screeching bird of prey, which is a bonus. In retrospect I shouldn't have spent all my time prior to this review eating stuffed peppers and rubbing my eyes because all I can taste is burning and all I can see is obscured by the salty tears. However, even through my idiocy, this beer is pronounced enough and bold enough to leave a lasting effect. Maybe it's something to do with using super aggressive American hops because, although this doesn't have what I would describe as BIG flavour, it sure is as defined as any other beer that you'll find for a measly pound, to be fair it's probably as deliciously defined, refined and rounded as most beers in the 2-3 pound range... Which I imagine isn't too far off what this would normally cost.

There is another beer of note by Castle Rock, the much more popular Harvest Pale, which I found to be wholly forgettable in so much as I can't remember anything about it apart from that it was, almost definitely, beer. Screech owl is tasty and has hints of power lurking in it's depths, certainly worth whatever pocket change you may have and maybe a bit more.

Food suggestion: Nachos! With huge effing jalapeños melted into the cheese like little greasy land mines.

Drink this if you like: Sierra Nevada Pale Ale has similarly aggressive hop flavours and a similar smoothness. This is a nice drink to start off an evening, especially if your evening starts at lunch time.

Beartown - Wojtek

With one of the most interesting naming stories I've ever seen, it is hard to prejudge Wojtek before you even pop the cap on this pretty looking blonde. It is an interesting and surprising beer that tastes predominantly of gingerbread and has very little bitterness. In fact I've never encountered a beer that tasted like ginger bread before, so that's definitely a first! There are hints of parsley as well as a nice hoppy crunch to round it off. I really didn't expect this at all! This is an interesting beer... It's not particularly complex since it only really has that one overwhelming level but that one level is, at least, something I would pay to see again.

I was buying wine for my girlfriend's dad as a last minute birthday present and, as I often do, I got pulled towards the beer section by an invisible yet irresistible force. I looked at the shelves and uttered the same words that have become almost a mantra to me: "Had it. Boring. Boring. Had it. Boring. Had it. Had it." So I wandered around to look for wine and, like Charlie finding the golden ticket after losing all hope, I found the bargain bin. "All beer for £1" it said. "Deal!" I announced to the great confusion of onlookers who just saw me pointing and grinning at a set of shelves. This definitely gives me great hope for the other 2 bottles I took a gamble on, though I recognise both of the brewers Castle Rock and Wold Top as up and comers who people have suggested I review before. No-one mentioned Beartown! No-one mentioned Wojtek! That poor Syrian bear who the Polish thought was a real person during WW2!

For the tiny sum of 1 English pound, this was a fantastic bargain! Even if the regular price rises to to £2, it's still worth it. This is a lovely tasting beer, give it a shot!

Food Suggestion: Coffee and Walnut cake so that it tastes like the Satrbucks gingerbread latte... Which is also awesome!

Drink this if you like: Anything by Dark Star, this has the same feel and same shocking effects.

Spaten - Oktoberfestbier

When I saw this in the fridge of The Bottle Shop I was almost moved to tears. I never thought I would see one of the big 6 Munich beers ever again (the big 6 consisting of Spaten, Lowen, Hof, Augustiner, Paulaner and Hacker Pschorr,) but here I sit with a chilled bottle of Spaten's Oktoberfestbier, a self explanatory name that I refuse to spell out for anyone who may not understand what OKTOBERFEST BIER might mean. In Munich Spaten is considered the worst of the 6, joking that the spade on the front of the bottle is what it feels like you have been beaten with after a heavy night of drinking it. The Germans have VERY discerning tastes when it comes to beer. Spatenbrau was the first beer I encountered in Munich and I instantly fell in love with it, their Oktoberfestbier is a little bit more of the same but with a bumped up percentage.

To those who have not yet experienced German beer, it is best had from the source, it is often fine in bottles if you can get a good one but it is at it's finest when dispensed from a massive barrel in a beer garden, surrounded by umpa music and a thousand people eating sausages. The aroma of Spaten Oktoberfestbier is a crisp barley, the taste is slightly bready, slightly honeyed, with a smooth cereal feel. The moment you pour this is the moment you drink this, I've already finished it, I had to lick the residue from the side of the glass to come up with those adjectives just now.

Spaten wasn't ever going to get a fair crack of the whip, I have too many memories attached to this beer to ever give it a bad review and anyone who says critics should objective should SHUT THE HELL UP! I would happily drink this until my liver grew legs and decided to make a run for it before the going got any worse.

I imagine that, at Oktoberfest, the head would've stuck around for a lot longer and the taste would've been more defined, it would've gone down a lot smoother... Somehow (those crafty Germans always find a way.) But, short of petitioning the people of Munich to send me zip-lock bags of beer every month, this is the best I'm going to get. It's Munich's worst lager apparently, but it beats the living crap out of all of ours... With the exception of 1 maybe.

On a side note, if anyone knows where I can get the Oktoberfest beers from the other major brands, then I'm all ears. The Bottle Shop, apparently, have Augustiner in regularly, so expect that review in the future because I imagine that will be an extremely happy reunion.

Food Suggestion: Bratwurst, Mash, Sauerkraut, Whole grain mustard, a pretzel... Or some Jagerschnitzel with a potato dumpling...and sauerkraut if you're feeling like a bit of a change. Though, since we're in England, SAUSAGE AND MASH! YAAAAAY!

Drink this if you like: Smooth as silk lager. Drink this if you like beer that tastes like beer but goes down like air. If you're a fan of Warsteiner or Bitburger and want to step up, this is your next port of call.

Meantine - London Stout

This beer is definitely not trying to be anyone's friend! Wow! The burnt coffee bean aroma is followed by the ashen taste of glowing wood chips without ever being too bitter to drink, not by a long shot, it's as smooth as a con artist covered in olive oil and is intensely satisfying to pour, having the closest thing I've seen to a draught pour from a bottle. This is a revived recipe from a simpler time when beer was as black as the Thames and you can certainly taste its' old school charm. I'm drinking it out of an old Guinness glass that I got from a charity shop and Guinness is probably the closest thing to this, though traditionally thick and smooth, the bottled versions are often watery and listless while still retaining that trademark flavour.

I prefer this... Out of the bottle at least, if you go to Ireland and get a Guinness on tap then I defy you to say that isn't the best thing ever. However, on the bottle market, there is so much more competition and Meantime have made a real contender. This is best had on a cold day in winter to stave off the effects of pneumonia and remind you of much warmer times.

Food suggestion: A little bit of dark chocolate or a rich dark chocolate torte to break it up and give it a new level of sweetness. It needs it, but it doesn't need a lot. Or, if you fancy, have it with jellied eels like a cockney mob boss... Yeah, like a boss!

Drink this if you like: Guinness... What have I been saying throughout this whole review?

Mikkeller - Foodball

Words completely fail me at this moment in time. What an intensely peculiar beer! I was told stories about this "Solstice Saison", about how it split opinion between everyone who tasted it. Everyone managed to taste something different, everyone managed to form dramatically different interpretations of what was actually going on, no-one could agree on what balance of what elements were at play, but what they could all agree on is that it was deeply intriguing. Saisons, by nature, don't have uniform characteristics that you can instantly go to as a starting point and it is clear that having your first Mikkeller (only Mikkeller, no collaborations,) and your first Saison in one go may go some way to making this review difficult.

It pours a deep red that looks like fake blood watered down and froths a lively head that sticks around long past the opening ceremonies. On the nose it smells slightly or redcurrants but that only goes as far as to lull you into a false sense of security because, at the moment, there's nothing massively out of the ordinary. The first sip will literally make you do a double take, it'll make ladies swoon and it'll make men have partially unwanted erections, whatever happens to you when you take that first sip will be dramatic. I personally went for the cheesy double take and audible swearing, but that's just me.

The first taste, for the first half a second is the most refreshing and drinkable thing you've ever had in your life, that first half a second is bliss! It's like a sweet, crisp, lightly fruity, frosted glass of German Helles on a sweltering summers day, it is a pleasure to behold for that first half a second. Then BAM! SUPER BITTERNESS! Super duper bitterness in fact, with a tinge of sourness, the likes of which I have only ever experienced with VERY dry ciders, and I'm not a cider drinker so it'll be the very cheap dry ciders. It really takes you aback and it somewhat scares you away from taking a second sip, but I didn't become a beer critic from just giving up straight away when something tasted odd (a lesson that shouldn't be transferred into the food world,) I kept at it, marched right up to the glass like a freakin' trooper, stared it square in the eye and... Timidly took a second sip. Well I'll be damned if my taste buds hadn't reorganised themselves into a slightly smarter shape to deal with the onslaught. All the flavours had moulded together as if the beer itself had seen me react negatively, shouted something along the lines of, "of course you don't like me, I wasn't bloody ready yet, was I ya big knob?!" Before promptly reshaping and shifting itself into something more palatable. This is a good thing because when it settles what you get is a dark red, frothy, slightly fruity, heavily bitter, easily drinkable, 6%, monster that's big on bitterness and subtle in all the wrong places. It shouldn't work, it doesn't really work, but it sure is an enjoyable ride. Near the end there's even a hint of fresh mint! It's not a drink to get drunk to because the idea of having a second one of these tonight is somewhat frightening to me but a drink to be admired by people with learned palates. It works better as a test of the beer critic as it does as a tool for intoxication. That is not to say you shouldn't buy this, I'm not saying it's a bad beer, I know what bad beer tastes like and this isn't it. All I would say is that if you do buy this, don't expect to like it at first, don't expect to ever like, but depending on your personal tastes, expect there to be a chance for you to love it.

Again this was supplied to me by the good people at The Bottle Shop at the Goods Shed in Canterbury, the big shed-like building next to Canterbury West station with the pebbled car park and puddles you could go fishing in. Those guys know their stuff.

Food Suggestion: Some sort of salad with cucumber and feta and spiced mayonnaise. This beer needs something light to go with it, hearty food would smother it and it needs something it can accentuate that it doesn't have itself.

Drink this if you like: Traditional London Stouts... Well... Some of them at least, have the bitterness to match this. Think of this as a light London Stout for the summer months when you don't want stodge and would prefer something more playful.

Duchy - Old Ruby Ale

I'm always rather sceptical when people who make biscuits and rear beef then turn their hand to the fine art of brewing beer, I get the impression that some companies just spread themselves too thin to make any decent sort of beer. Sometimes, when that is utterly true, big supermarkets might get a well known beer company to make their beer for them, which I think is cheating. If it helps, I do rather like their biscuits.

It turns out that I should not have been scared of this at all, the aroma has a hint of currants and poached figs and the taste is a mix between bitter berries and custard. The pour is impressive and satisfying and it seems to be best served at about half room temperature. It doesn't entirely look like a ruby ale, looking more brown than a lot of bitters I've had, but it sure as hell tastes like one! Normally characterised by fruity flavours, this evens those out with the balance of the slight bitterness and a biscuity flavour that only rears its head after a couple of hefty, man sized, gulps. This creamy and easily drinkable ruby ale is a beautiful middle ground between lager and real ale and would be a perfect starting point for anyone who wanted to get more acquainted with the world of real beer.

I'm not altogether sure whether this has been brought in from another company, I suspect it hasn't, it tastes like someone has worried about this, it smells like someone has thought about it, as a whole package it is a good beer. It's not blowing any doors down but it is definitely a good beer that can easily be had again and again, I could easily drink this for the rest of the evening... But I won't, there's a whole world of beer out there!

Food suggestion: Fig rolls... Poached figs... Something to do with figs, this has really got me in the mood for them.

Drink this if you like: Copper Top by Old Dairy Brewery or Hobgoblin by Wychwood. It's not the same as them but it's definitely 1 step in a different direction away from both of them that fans of each would find satisfying.

Southern Tier - Choklat

I've been looking forward to this for a while. When the owner of your favourite speciality beer shop (The Bottle Shop in Canterbury,) a man who really knows his beer, picks out one that you should try then you know you're on to something rather interesting. Choklat is a gloriously obsidian imperial stout that, at times, tastes like a chocolate milkshake (a good one) and at others tastes like a chilled mocha. It looks and feels as thick as double cream and instantly brought a smile to my face. Stouts have always had elements of chocolate about them, they've always had hints of coffee and spice and all things nice but this is something special, it's a thick stout that clocks in at a hefty 10% that can be downed greedily in a matter of seconds or nursed gently over the course of an evening, though at a whopping £12, the latter seems the most advisable, though the former is somewhat more realistic. The sweet chocolate and mildly bitter coffee tastes remind me of all the fun and fantastical chocolates I used to buy when I was young, ones with marshmallows in the middle and ones with turkish delight, which if you take a big mouthful of Choklat is exactly what you will taste. The tingle from the alcohol is evident but if it wasn't then you'd have to have taste buds chiselled from granite and, if that was the case, why would you be on a page reviewing GOOD beer?

I respect what the Americans are doing, along with the Scottish, they are leading the beer revolution. The list of ingredients reads like the shopping list of a 6 year old beer connoisseur with a sweet tooth and includes the use of a bittersweet Belgian chocolate. To pull out a hackneyed quote, "we're not in Kansas anymore," and by Kansas I mean "The Bavarian Purity Laws," and by IN I mean "strictly adhering to." I still see the Germans and the Belgians as the best beer makers in the world but it's this kind of free thinking and flawless execution of a beer that will turn America into one of the great powerhouses of world beer.

This beer is definitely a treat. It's something a bit special to be had when you've been very good or extremely bad, it's just so full of contradiction, it just looks so severe, like a glass of flat coke that someone's mixed corn syrup into but it's just so fun! The child in me is screaming at me to down it, eat a bowl of ice cream, run around, play with some toy cars and then question why I'm feeling so sick. The adult in me is questioning why I'm still writing and not drinking...

Food Suggestion: Not sure it would work at all but I get the urge to have this with a cheese board. It's not a traditionally sweet chocolate taste, it's still a little bitter and has a depth that I think would complete a cutting board full of hard cheese.

Drink this if you like: Drinking a chocolate milkshake that will knock you on your arse.

Nils Oscar - God Lager

This is another one that has been kindly donated to the cause by a fellow geek, though this one came from my favourite food nerd Declan Moriarty, a compatriot at work and a whiz in the kitchen. His pallet is considerably more advanced than mine when it comes to food and he found me a bottle of Nils Oscar - God Lager, a beer that Waitrose sells in only a few select stores, that he found to be most enjoyable.

My first impressions of the beer may seem like a criticism, but I assure you they are not; it just seems so... Clean... So pure, not in a sterile way, but in a fresh linen and spring breeze kind of way. It smells how good lager should smell, just a little hoppy on the nose with a woft of cream after a big snoot full. The taste is not spectacular but it does it's job, the real astounding part of this beer is the texture, the way it goes down, the way I could drink it from the fetted sock of a gangrenous tramp and not get any less flavour or fun, how picking the bits of toenail out of my mouth wouldn't dull the sensation. It really is quite extraordinary how the malt in this has translated into a feel not unlike a melted milkshake.

On the bottle it does claim to have the big flavours of real ale, which is where they fall down, because from that one remark I can only assume that they have never tried real ale or they have decided to massively oversell the contents of the bottle. Don't get me wrong though, this is in the style of the Dortmunder/Helles, and thus deals in subtlety of flavour and smoothness of body, which this succeeds in. I could easily see myself in a beer garden in Munich drinking a litre of this with a plate of meat and gravy and potato dumplings in front of me, but in a similar way I could see myself drinking this straight out of the bottle in a fancy bar in Sweden. I'm not all that clued up on Swedish beer to be perfectly honest but if it's all like this then I think we've got a future powerhouse on our hands... That's IF they're all like/better than this... Which seems unlikely. This is bloody lovely though.

Food suggestion: It's a Helles, have it with sausages, gravy, sauerkraut and mash or stuff your greedy chops with bar snacks and down this by the gallon!

Drink this if you like: Drinking like a Viking lord! Drink this if you like drinking out of horns and riding longboats. More practically, if you like drinking lager, ANY LAGER, drink this, it's better.

De Halve Maan -Straffe Hendrik

This is exciting! Everything about this beer tells me I should be excited, everything from the dark green label that has imperfections under it and is peeling off at the sides as if someone had decided to bottle this in someone's shed... At night. The pour is like trying to tame a wild horse, even after a day of chilling, the head is unwieldy and feral, taking an age to reduce any, but why would you want it to? It has the same seaside foam sound that the Delirium did and at first you taste, of all things, pineapple. It settles down into a rounded malty delight that has hints of sour dough bread and a smoothness that you would do well to find any taste of alcohol in. This is another one of those ninja beers, the kinda that, if you hadn't read the bottle, you would drink the evening away with, only to wake up with severe gaps in your memory and no recollection of getting a tattoo devoted to someone called "Gertrude."

It's 9%, which IS strong. I keep having to remind myself that, just because I drink 10-12% stouts for this blog, anything between 6% and 10% is still enough to knock your bonce clean off its stump. It certainly does not taste like a 9%, in fact it barely tastes like a 4.5%. I'd have a tougher time drinking Heineken... I'd probably have a tougher time drinking warm cream. It's such an interesting beer because before you even pop the cork on this 75cl freakin' wine bottle of hearty booze you are already confronted with so much character. It tells you the basics, like how it is from Bruges, how it's 9% and how Bruges is in Belgium but then there's nothing but green, gold and a moody looking crescent moon with a fluffy beard and a murder weapon for a forehead if he were ever to head butt anyone.

It is so charming in the way it presents itself as well as in the way it tastes. I could stare at a half glass for a good half hour just watching the dark amber depths of my vessel just bubble away. When the head does recede it leaves a map of the world on the sides of the glass. This beer is truly a sticky, sweet, success and one well ingrained in Belgian tradition. The brewers, who are the last active brewers in Bruges, De Halve Maan should be extremely proud of themselves.

I have heard, down the beer grapevine that De Halve Maan also have a quadruple Straffe Hendrik, which I shall have to hunt and then promptly wolf down like a greedy duck trying to consume a box of Krispy Kremes.

This beer, as well as the other Belgian beauties, were donated by my favourite Belgian barberette Kim. Thanks Kim, you're totally badass for giving me these and you have increased by respect for Belgian beer by a couple of percent... Because I already consider Belgian beer to be in the top 2 of beer producing countries. For those of you who have never tried Belgian beer, put down your dented can of Carlsberg export, put on some proper trousers, go to the shops and bloody well buy some!

Food Suggestion: This would go well with pork, maybe some sticky ribs, a gammon steak or something that involves lots of bacon.

Drink this if you like: ...There is just nothing like this from our shores, not that I've tasted anyway. Drink this if you like Belgian beer, it is both more of the same and something completely different, like a new Offspring album or having sex with twins.