Harviestoun - Old Engine Oil

The very first adjective on the bottle is "viscous." A bottle that Harviestoun wish to sell to the public... This is why I love Scotland! Not only have they called their beer Old Engine Oil but they've essentially told you that if you don't like it then you're a big wuss and you should go cry to someone who gives a damn... Like Carlsberg. The only other beer I've tried in the Harveistoun range is Bitter and Twisted, which impressed me so I expect big things from this, a beer I found in a garden centre next to a bottle called "sheep shagger."

Because it's a porter you have to expect a ratio of dark chocolate and coffee aromas and they're definitely there, putting in a good showing for the olfactory senses and whetting the pallet before you take a drink. The pour is particularly frisky and it has that kind of head that looks like raised yeast, only a thousand times quicker, it's not over zealous and doesn't overflow if you know how to handle a bottle and it soon retreats to a half finger head, leaving behind moderate speckling.

The taste is an enjoyable attack on the senses, with a bitter siege to start and an enjoyable raw powdered cocoa taste at the finish. If all engine oil tasted like this then I may well pay more attention to my car. In some respects it is a typical porter but what I like about it is that it knows what it wants to be, I've had some beers recently that describe themselves as one thing and then do something else. This says it's a porter, it's going to look like engine oil and it's going to be as bitter as the ex wife of a man who won the lottery and married a strip club. It does the simple things brilliantly, like the texture, a porter should be as smooth as silk and this is! Where they add to it is by having that delicious taste of powdered cocoa at the end to give you, for a brief moment, the sensation that you're drinking a boozy hot chocolate.

A cold 6% hot chocolate for a warm summers day. Next level alco-booze logic!

Food suggestion: Smores... Seriously, I could drink this by a campfire and make smores with marshmallows and hobnobs (that's the closest thing we can really get to gram crackers... Not that I really know what those are either.) Though this could also go with a much heftier meal, I wouldn't say no to this if someone plonked half a bloody cow down in front of me.

Drink this if you like: This reminds me of St. Petersburg by Thornbridge, an Imperial Stout that packed a punch and packed a whole lot of flavour. At 6% this isn't quite as strong but it fits a whole lot into such a small bottle.

Canterbury Brewery - Galactic Belgian

And... I thought... It smelt hoppy... On the outside!

Is the only Star Wars reference you'll be getting out of me for the entirety of this review! Maybe. This pungent wonder was donated very kindly by my fellow reprobate "Toothless" Dave McLeod, thanks chap!

Canterbury are known for being a cultural hub in a county that's famed for being a garden, take from that what you will, but all I know is that the place is a Mecca for restaurants and business owners who want to do their own thing. Until recently I wasn't aware that Canterbury had a brewery but now I understand that they have 2: Wantsum brewery and Canterbury Brewery, who work out of The Foundry brew pub, which can be found just off the high street. It is quite a coincidence that this happened to fall into my lap because people have been telling me to go to The Foundry. "You'll love it" they say, "you're a beer guy, they have beer," they repeat, somewhat exasperating the point. I do intend to amass a cabal and descend upon the place for a hefty session but in the mean time I think I can settle for a Star Wars inspired beer that Dave informed me was "HOPPY AS F***!"

High praise indeed!

The first thing I notice is that they use a Maris-otter (standard, tried and true,) a Belgian Abbey, which is bold AND a Munich malt! As a home brewer I can vouch that I don't have the stones for a next-level pro move like that! I doubt many brew pubs would go out on a limb like that. I will explain. The site I get my grain from rates both the Abbey and the Munich as grains to be added to a recipe by brave micro brewers and, on top of that, they've used bold Australian hops.

I've only read the label and I'm already a bit in love with this beer. The pour is satisfying enough and produces a cloudy brown/orange brew with an adorably uneven head and steady carbonation. I can smell the hops and I can smell the malt and I never want this smell to leave my nose. The smell has all the richness of a Belgian Abbey style beer with a big double IPA style kick of hops. I just hope it tastes as good as it smells.

WHOA!

Well, bugger me! That is hoppy as F***! Sweet to start but then INTENSELY bitter! I don't think I'm doing this enough justice; it's almost like eating raw hops, not in a bad way, because it's delivered by this smooth and rich double IPA style body. It doesn't quite taste Belgian to me but it sure does taste like someone has nailed my tongue to a phone book and taken a blast sander to it. Wow! It stops just short of being the beer embodiment of utter violence, it settles for a sentence of 'Hate Crime' before things get out of hand and it starts getting charged with 'War Crimes'.

I haven't actually mentioned, yet, that this is a 6.5% so it's no slouch and even though it is quite obscenely intense, you do eventually become one with the bitterness and you slowly slip into a sort of hop induced daze... Which is most pleasant, somewhat comparable to eating a raw scotch bonnet, except without all the inherent bowel problems.

Definitely not for the weak willed but could be good for that kind of person who likes to see if he can eat the hottest curry in the world. Well don't be fooled if someone gives you a bottle of this...

Food Suggestion: Braised Ewok or a nice thick Bantha steak if you're feeling flush with credits.

Drink this if you like: Being rebel scum.

Brains - Barry Island IPA

Created by Simon Martin of The Real Ale Guide and produced by Brains, Barry Island IPA has got the heart and the passion behind it to be a top notch brew but I've never been overwhelmed by Brains, I like what they do but they've never blown the doors down and made a beer that's stamped up to me and punched me in the face with sheer awesomeness wrapped around their bottle-capped fist. Mr. Martin is one of those guys who just loves beer and loves how it works, how it tastes, how it feels and what you have to do to make a good one. He has passed judgement on many beers, so I will take it upon myself to pass judgement on his. (Though that's not why I chose the beer, I was wandering through Morrisons and I took a fancy to the label.)

It pours a lovely varnished-brown with a finger of head that quickly recedes and smells a little of liquorice and fudge, a most welcome aroma that reminds me of Christmas and eating sweets until I gave myself a stomach ulcer. It feels quite velvety and round, full and comforting, with a taste of blackcurrant through an initial wave of bitter hops. It is maybe a bit weak for an American style IPA but I get the impression that these chaps know what they were doing, a bit more may have utterly ruined the beer and I would have had to sit here and slate it. As it is, I am thoroughly impressed with a beer that is as comforting as sleeping on a bed made of alpacas and is as deliciously bitter as a long personal embrace with Megan Fox after 3 hours of spin class.

Simon Martin sure does know his beer and, as I will vouch, he sure knows how to make it too. Well played, chap!

Food suggestion: I'd love this with some pork belly and a caramelised apple, just a little sweet and salty goodness to smash through the bitterness of this beer and make it come alive. I would, however, be more than happy to session this with just a bowl of nuts by my side or maybe, if I'm feeling fancy, some mini cheddars.

Drink this if you like: Knowing that your beer was made by a beer critic.

Crate Brewery IPA

It's not the prettiest half pint in the world and it comes in a bottle that's taken the "less is more" approach, though I often find that, by definition, more is more; I think they probably know all this though, they've probably been likened to the ugly duckling, though I think that's unfair, though there isn't a fable about the plain duckling who wasn't picked on and then didn't turn out to be a swan... Because ducklings, again by definition, grow up to be ducks.

This is definitely a swan though. It has little to no head, which makes it look a bit like muddy water but the smell is intoxicating, it's like a bakery in the good parts of France or the rough parts of China, sweet, bitter and yeasty all at the same time. The taste is quite fascinating too because it certainly tastes like a lovely, hoppy, IPA but it seems to go through 3 stages after you take a sip: Refreshing, bitter and after burn, where, after smacking you in the chops with a bitter bat it picks itself back up and hits you again, long after you thought that the fight was over. It is maybe not the most complex of IPAs and, what with how it looks, it's not going to win any prizes but I certainly wouldn't say no to a bottle of this.

When I'm not entirely sure whether something is a good beer or a great beer I always have to do my beer bench mark test:

Is this as good as Tribute by St. Austell (the beer that every other beer EVER should be compared to)?

Yeah... Give or take. So, good job chaps, gold star for you.

Drink this if you like: Similar in style and taste to a lot of the beers by the Old Dairy Brewery and, in some ways, resembles The Rev. James by Brains.

Food Suggestion: I got this from Sourced at St. Pancras, so I'd suggest eating it with a platter of cured meats and cheeses whilst surrounded by angry commuters who are busy watching Wallander on their Google Nexus 7s.

Emelisse - Black IPA

I love a good Black IPA but this doesn't look like any black IPA I've ever seen. It pours like a syrupy stout and smells of sweet chocolate and coffee, which are the call signs of the stout/porter family. It also has the thin pencil moustache of a head that adorns many of the porter/stout clan but I know as well as any that looks can be deceiving... I've not known looks and smells to be deceiving in tandem though.

Yep, this isn't a black IPA, it tastes like a delicious imperial stout, what with it's thick, gloopy, nature and enticing burnt aromas, and as much as those are positives and as much as that makes this a very tasty beer it does not possess the massive hop kick and refreshing body that I expect from a Black IPA, which is a shame.

However, I probably think that because this is Dutch and because the Dutch are a little artistic when it comes to... Well, everything really, that Black IPA is just a name, the same way you get beers called Poacher's Choice, Kent's Best and London Pride. The beers in question may not be the favoured choice of a poacher, nor is it necessarily the best in Kent or the pride of London but those are the names they have and that's what they're sticking with... Regardless of how utterly wrong they may be. I guess, in a way, that's what makes them charming.

If I had reviewed this as a stout then I would be raving about how deeply satisfying it is to take a big swig of this and enjoy every millilitre of black silk before you swallow and repeat. I'd mention how it smelt like a chocolate liquor milkshake and how the 8% content was only marginally noticeable, just enough to let you know that what you're drinking is to be respected. Instead I'm ranting about how I've been lied to.

Dammit Emelisse, I thought you were cool, though I'm sure I'll forgive you... In time.

Drink this if you like: Being lied to by your beer.

Food Suggestion: Cheese and crackers. A lovely, veiny, stinky, stilton and crackers you could use to adequately mortar a house with.

The Kernel & Brodie's - Scanner Darkly

EXCITED!!!!!!!

2 of my favourite brewers coming together to make a Black IPA, my favourite style of beer, and name it after a movie I rank... Well, at least in the top 25... At a stretch. There is so much reason to be excited! I've been waiting to try this beer for so long but I've never had the opportune moment, either I hadn't chilled it for long enough or I had an early shift the next day or my dog had eaten my bottle opener and I had to wait for it to be passed. No more waiting! Drinking of awesomeness is about to happen!

(I may have set this poor thing up for quite a hefty fall.)

The pour impressed me, the way it has a slowly expanding head that mellows and sits unevenly like an ancient wall. It smells as deliciously hoppy as a lot of other offerings from Kernel and Brodie's though if it had any particular leaning then I'd say that this smelt more like a Kernel beer. Saying that, it definitely looks more like a Brodie's beer; proud and unforgiving with one eye on you and one eye on his sword, ready to beat back winter by hitting it right in the cumulonimbus! I'm quite impressed that even after a few minutes the head has not budged an inch, it's like someone scraped a cup of melted marshmallows on top of a glass of fizzy swamp water.

Ooooooh that is a gorgeous little beer... This is the kind of beer you tend to have deep meaningful moments with. It's rich and smooth, which makes it very easy to drink but it combines a hoppy bitterness with a slight toffee sweetness that's so subtle that I question whether I tasted it at all. I'm sure I did! This is such a beautiful example of the Black IPA breed that has gone from being utterly unknown to me to becoming my number 1, my BFF, my secret lover who I shoot glances at across a crowded room and occasionally take out back to ravish veraciously. I could drink a big, sloppy, bucket of this and not get tired of it, the smooth body and enchanting bitterness make this an absolute joy and the 6.9% makes it efficient at getting me on the way to seeing double.

I'm so glad that combinations like this, between craft breweries, happen because it brings together the best qualities from 2 different ideals to create something as beautiful as a joust between a unicorn and a narwhal.

Drink this. Cry a little. Continue with your life knowing that it'll never be as good as when you were drinking this. Review complete.

Drink this if you like: Black Betty by Beavertown. They're all from London and I'm not sure if they're all rivals and dislike that I compare them to each other. It's a compliment! You're all totally badass! Get over it!

Food suggestion: Your own tears because of all the crying that I suggested you should do before you reassess what you're doing with your life.

Beavertown - Black Betty

Coincidences just happen, that's why they're called coincidences, but there have been too many concerning Black Betty for me to not suspect that something sinister is afoot. Throughout the last year I have heard mention of Black Betty by Beavertown, either on the wind or through the grape vine. I was even recommended it several months ago but I opted for something more traditional, more austere, let's face it, something much more boring. So it was that I ended up, sitting on a bar stool which jabbed two steel bars into my upper thigh, resting my arm on a reconstituted barrel, in St. Pancras station, drinking something that, at the time, was the most welcome thing I could have found. To put this in context I had been on my travels, as you would expect when one is at a station, and I was doing what I normally did; sifting through the human traffic with my headphones on like a salmon would gracefully swim up stream. I was, however, starting to tire but then I spotted it, a deli/bottle emporium (Sourced, a definite recommendation) with a modest range of exquisite bottled beauties from around the globe, a selection that included the likes of Partizan and Orkney, Kernel and, of course, Beavertown (...ok that's just London and Scotland but there were more!) They had a decent range of Beavertown but my eye was drawn to Black Betty, the beer that had been stalking me, haunting me, the beer that had finally confronted me out in the open. It would've been rude to refuse, especially after all this time.

I did my usual critic thing of sniffing at the glass like a blood hound, momentarily arousing the suspicion of a man to my left who was reading the The Telegraph and drinking a pint of Old Thumper, obviously a man of limited taste, and what I got was a bitter sweet, citrus, hop that was both mellow and imposing. It was the kind of smell that just stuck with you, but not the bad kind of sticking like a stalker or accidentally super glueing your hand to a bucket of mad porcupines. No, this is the good kind of sticking, the kind wolves experience after they have sex. Then I looked the glass up and down, firstly mourning the lack of one of MY glasses, but then appreciating how pretty Black Betty was, you might say she was a Black Beauty... If you were a dick. It was at that point that I mused to myself whether there was any better style of beer than the black IPA.

Not that I can think of.

I took a sip of this smooth and bitter mistress, enjoying the subtle sweetness that shot around my mouth as if the beer itself was toying with me. This, I realised, was a beer that was both refreshing and warming but no more than any other beer is either of those things; what this beer does better than any other I've found to date is mend the battered spirit.

Maybe I wasn't quite telling the truth earlier when I described my experience with London. I wasn't the majestic salmon swimming gracefully up a crystal stream; I was a lump fish bumping into angry molluscs and getting lost and stranded in muddy puddles. That all changed when I got to St. Pancras and had a bottle of Beavertown's Best, the bubbling behemoth that is Black Betty. I chugged her down in a matter of minutes and I was a different man, I was confident, I walked with a strut, I marched to my hotel like a man possessed before promptly passing out after a session at the bar. Granted this may have had more to do with the generous 7.4% of the beer but I swear that the taste of the beer reminded me of something special, like a love once lost... Or finding a 20 in your pocket.

There is no such thing as an elixir of life but if I had to pick a substitute, I'd pick this.

Food Suggestion: Stop thinking about food! Can't you just enjoy the moment?!

Drink this if you like: Dalston Black by Brodie's or Scanner Darkly by Kernel/Brodie's. I've not had the latter as yet but if you like black IPAs and you like craft beer then a mingling of minds between Kernel and Brodie's has to whet your whistle a little. Drink Black Betty if you like singing to your beer. Whooooo-oa Black Betty, Bam-a-lam, get in my face, bam-a-lam.