Christmas Special - The Bottle Shop

Twas several nights before Christmas and all through the house no creature was stirring... Because stirring is for tea and we only drink beer in my house! Bam! Christmas is right around the corner and, as per usual (if I had been aware that the place had existed for longer than a year,) I found myself in The Bottle Shop spending fresh green on bottled ambrosia. No! Not custard! Learn your classics, you oaf! As a Christmas present to myself the owner Andrew Morgan kindly presented me with a Bottle Shop branded pint glass and my girlfriend with a branded half-pint glass. So what I figured I'd do, in return, is NEVER STOP USING THE PINT GLASS... And write a multi-review featuring a bunch of the beers I purchased from Canterbury's (of not Kent's) première bottled beer establishment.


Thornbridge - Kill Your Darlings

I've never been to Vienna, I've heard it's beautiful there but I've never had the urge to go but if this is the kind of beer I can expect when I get out there then I need to put some serious consideration into booking a ticket. It's just full of surprises, this beer! When you hear the word "lager" you think light, you think refreshing, you think you should be able to see clear through the glass. Nope. 3 words: Soreen Malt Loaf. It smells like something you should butter and have with a cup of tea after a day out in the rain and tastes like plump raisins dipped in the greasy pit sweat of MIGHTY THOR! It tastes thick, malty, fruity and rich, like if a summer pudding decided to give up on being a mediocre dessert and become a totally awesome beer. There is very little bitterness but the sweetness is interesting enough to keep you playing the game, though that's not entirely necessary because the texture alone is the kind that just leaps down your throat like a ninja's shadow.

Thornbridge range from £2ish to £12...ish and it's easy to see why. They can make beautiful beers for the masses like Jaipur and Wild Swan and they can make white label, small batch, beers for the man who likes to invest in the well being of his liver. The term "kill your darlings" hints at the ruthlessness with which Thornbridge make their beer, they claim that they do not want to be too precious about what they make and that their only goal is the finished product. Right now, all I know is that I don't care what they cut out of this beer because what they kept just works. It doesn't taste like a lager or look like a lager, it looks more like a standard brown ale but it has such delicious sweetness and maltiness that I fear this beer may well be gone very quickly... It's like a wet hug from Grandma or like being attacked by a dog made out of fruit cake.

Food Suggestion: You can only get them around Easter but when that pointless holiday does roll around you will be able to buy, from Waitrose, Heston: Earl Grey and Mandarin hot crossed buns. Butter those bad boys up because they were made for this beer! (Well, they weren't but it definitely feels like it.)

Drink this if you like: Most anything by Thornbridge. There are other British brewers flying the flag out there but few are making quite as unique beer as Thornbridge, I've not had a bad pint from those guys. I've not even had an average pint from them.


Emeliesse Blond

A Dutch blond huh? Christmas really has come early. When I bought this it was in retort to my purchase of Schieven IPA, a Belgian brew that was, at the time, described to me as perfect. The Bottle Shop expert on hand begged to differ with what I had previously been told and suggested I get my gums around this blond and see what went down in China town. I've got to say that on pouring it produces a very aromatic head that now has a steadily reducing bite mark in it because it smelt so good that I had to chomp at it like a rabid dog at a postman made of bacon. There are delicious, light, fruity notes that hint towards gooseberries but with a sweetness to the smell that reminds me a little of a gooseberry crumble with caramelised brown sugar on top. The head remains as pure white as the driven snow and as sticky sweet as a home made marshmallow throughout, which adds a little bit of fun to the proceedings.

Whoa! This has got some depth to it, the first impression is something along the lines of "meh, yeah this is beer alright," but then the thing just starts running riot in your mouth! It hits you with heavy treacle tastes and finishes with sour fruits there's a hints of the gooseberries I mentioned as well as a drop of grapefruit but, for some reason, I didn't expect the beer to taste like this. It's sweet and sticky but not stodgy, it's definitely not a chore. It's times like this when I wish I had a rating system so I could objectively conclude which one is better, this or the Schieven, but a complex opinion cannot be summed up with numbers so I guess you're just going to have to deal with words.

This beer is as tasty as drunkenly drinking Buck's Fizz in a hop field. Four ingredients, 2 whole paragraphs... Impressive.

Food Suggestion: Honey. Toast. Honeycomb. More toast. Make sure it's brown bread with seeds and those weird white bits all over it.

Drink this if you like: It may seem a bit counter productive since I'm comparing this to Belgian blonds but if you do like any Belgian blonds then you've seriously got to try this!


De La Senne - Schieven IPA

It's hard to reduce your expectations when a beer is described to you as PERFECT! I look at the bottle and try to analyse what constitutes perfect when  it comes to beer. Well, where to start? The bottle art is as good a place as any... Hops, though hop (singular) is more accurate. It's simple and effective. It's from Belgium, which I consider to be in the top 2 beer producing nations in the world (I secretly think they're number one but recent nostalgia and general patriotism are playing with my perceptions of objectivity.) It's 6.5% which is strong enough to make it interesting but not so strong that you would not consider having a second directly after. The pour is what you would expect from any Belgian beer, it's frisky and playful with a bucket of head and an instantly noticeable aroma and, since this is an IPA, that aroma was of hops. Lots and lots of hops, with all the citrus elements that generally entails.

The initial taste is light but that doesn't last long before a MASSIVE burst of citrus and hops scorches through your mouth like a Chinese dragon that's substituted in for the bull in the china shop. This certainly has a punch to it but it's not entirely overpowering and the lingering tingle of bitterness makes you crave it. This is not a beer, this is a drug, this is something you could become addicted to. The hop burn even extends (if you drink it like I do... Like a duck,) to a lingering whiskey smoulder, the embers of which remain throughout the drink.

This is true to the nature of the IPA but it's got Belgian craft written all over it. It presents itself as modest when, in fact, it is Isambard Kingdom Brunel with a sledge hammer and a stick of dynamite instead of a cigar, holding up a puppy in an attempt at fooling you that you're in for an easier ride than you actually are. This beer is big, bold and would be intimidating to all but the most seasoned beer drinkers... Even I'm a little scared of it, but I respect it enough to take the bastard down.

Food Suggestion: A big bitter beer needs a big and savoury meal, it needs to be challenging. Pair this with a vindaloo or a phaal and we shall see what you're made of. No weak sauce around here, go big or go home!

Drink this if you like: Meantime IPA is quite similar in taste but isn't nearly as powerful as this is.


The big question is: Who wins? Schieven IPA or Emeliesse Blond? Well, personally I much prefer the Schieven IPA because it appeals to constant search for beer that will challenge me and although I think the Blond is a delicious beer, I'm the kind of guy who really enjoys beer with power and substance.

These 3 and so many more delicious, challenging, refreshing, mesmerizing beers can be found at The Bottle Shop, which you can find at the Goods Shed next to Canterbury West train station.

Evil Twin - Ashtray Heart

If you pop the cap, have a sniff, have a taste and don't instantly react in either shock or surprise then you are not drinking an Evil Twin beer. Ashtray heart is the definition of an Evil Twin beer, it is big, bold and brutal, it's a smoked imperial stout that smells like cigars, burnt sugar and Islay single malt whiskies. The beast swirls like a conger eel and pours like runny cake mix, this is truly a beer born of a fevered imagination and a thirst for the peculiar. I've never had a smoked stout before but now I never want to drink anything else... I obviously will but the smoky elements mix in with the smooth body and the high alcohol content to do exactly what it says on the label, it gives you a warm sense of well being whilst leaving a beautiful tobacco and coffee taste on your palate.

You know what I love about this beer? Apart from the taste, texture, smell and alcohol content? I love that on the bottle it says that this should only be consumed by "heavyweight beer champions" saying that it "makes invalids of supermen." I'm not sure who is on their marketing department but I want to kiss their ruddy face for having the fortitude to plaster something potentially off putting but brutally honest on a beer that they wish to sell... To the public... For money. There's something about the Mikkeller brothers that it is hard to resist, they don't care who you are or what you like because this beer isn't about YOU, it's about the art, it's about making something that THEY want to make. Mikkeller seem to enjoy subtlety more than Evil Twin, who rather enjoy trying to blast your face off your skull with ALCOBOOZE! The last Evil Twin I had was their Christmas special from a couple of years ago, which got me drunk by the half pint point.

I've noticed that Ashtray Heart is produced and bottled at Brouwerij De Molen, a brewery that are the closest I can think of in spirit to Evil Twin. What a delicious coincidence.

So, should you buy Ashtray Heart? Well, at £6 for a small bottle you're paying top end beer prices... But you're getting TOP END BEER that challenges you and taunts you before eventually bowling you over. If your idea of top end beer is Guinness then you should probably steer clear of this... And of living in the big bad world... I should probably add that this tastes SUPER BAD FOR YOU. Don't drink this if you're a bit wafty like that, or have ever considered eating a salad.

This, on top of a million or so other barn stormers, was obtained from the good people at The Bottle Shop in Canterbury. They've bought out their own brand glasses, does someone want to buy me a branded pint glass for Christmas... Or my birthday... Or because they just want to?

Food suggestion: Food?! No! Cigars! Big, fat, Cuban, cigars like a freakin' dictator. Castro would be so proud!

Drink this if you like: Anything else by Evil Twin or high strength stouts like Rasputin by De Molen or Big Mofo Stout by Brodie's.

Whitstable Brewery - Raspberry Wheat

If you brew, bottle and then sell a beer a raspberry wheat beer then you are inviting the comparison between what you have made and Belgian brewing dynasties like Liefmans, Timmermans, Bachus and Delirium... You are ALWAYS going to fall short. So Whitstable Brewery fall short, sure, but they don't fall short by much, their Raspberry Wheat has charm and flavour in abundance, it's even cheeky enough to smell like a good Belgian Framboise. So why does it fall short if it's got all the characteristics of the Belgian bunch? I'll tell you why, it doesn't have the excitement, it doesn't have that initial WOW factor, it doesn't possess a complexity that can keep my attention to probe deeper just to see what's going on. On the surface it tastes a bit like beer and raspberries and then beneath the surface it still tastes a bit more like beer and raspberries... Which is nice, it's just that it was EXACTLY what I expected.

There's a lot to be said for the element of surprise in beer, which is why I'm much more likely to give a good review to a beer with a completely unintelligible name. When I crack open a beer in the evening, precisely what I don't want are any spoilers... It's fine for there to be a description on the back because I don't have to read that and it's fine for the beer to be named "Stout," "Porter," or "India Pale Ale" because there is such a vast spectrum of textures and flavours associated with each of those but telling me, straight up, that I'm about to drink a raspberry flavoured wheat beer somewhat ruins it for me. Imagine drinking a beer called "Hi! I'm a stout and I taste a bit like coffee."

I like Raspberry Wheat, it's a competent beer made by people who obviously love what they do. I just wish they'd quit it with the spoilers.

I bought this beer from my local Waitrose for a discounted price because it's being discontinued from the range... Meaning that others share my grievances. However it can still be found in specialist beer shops and off licenses around Kent, especially in Whitstable.

Food suggestion: Goats cheese and fig salad, this needs something light and subtle.

Drink this if you like: Belgian fruit beers but can't find any.

Maredsous (Guest Writer)

((Hi there! My name's Drew and I'm the guy who's been writing all the reviews that you obviously love... Or at least tolerate. Today is a special day because I didn't write this review, this one was written by Drew's Brew's very first contributing author. His name is Russell Gammon and we go way back, so to make a differentiation between the two of us I shall call this review the following...))

Russell in Brussels

by Russell Gammon

Brussels. A city known for the Eurostar, overpriced hotels and boredom. What do these people do all day, given the lack of character the city has to offer? They drink. That’s what. They drink beer and they like it!

On a recent trip over there, a colleague and I took to the hotel bar, intent on sampling the beers on offer. The local barkeep (we’ll call him Pierre) told us to try something different; and so, a Maredsous was selected.

At 6 Euro for 6% (albeit at hotel prices), they offered some kind of symmetry you wouldn’t get with a can of warm Special Brew. Another thing that it didn’t have in common with the aforementioned tramp-fuel was the taste. It has a strong, not overpowering taste that is a delight on the throat. The thing that really pleased me about this beer was its consistency.

One qualm I often have with similar beers is that, like Usian Bolt boxing in a dimly lit room, they pack a powerful punch initially but run away into nothingness almost immediately. This beer isn’t afraid of hanging around and giving you a good time.

An excellent beer with a smooth yet strong taste. One of the better Belgian beers... And Belgian beers are good.

Food suggestion: Well given that I’d just had a lovely Kosher dinner, despite my lack of Judaism, I would suggest that this is a beer that is best enjoyed with foods that are blessed using methods from faiths that you do not hold. Specific.

Drink this if you like: Strongly flavoured Belgian beers! Also, does your mouth ever feel like it hasn't been assaulted enough during a drinking session? Yes? Well get this down you! Yummy!

Fuller's - London Porter

This is what old people should smell like! This deep, dark, intriguing mixture of bitter coffee, chocolate and alcohol is a delicious pint and an example of what I expect when I drink a porter. Many in the porter/stout family have the coffee/dark chocolate characteristics in differing quantities but this seems to have them just right. The body of it is so dark, it looks like someone has just coloured in the insides of my glass with a felt tip pen and spilt some cappuccino foam on top, it looks like melted obsidian and tastes like it should be really bad for you... I imagine it is, drinking a pint of something that black and thick can't be healthy... There's probably a joke in there somewhere.

Fuller's have long redeemed themselves in my eyes for their errors in making Chiswick bitter, a beer I remember absolutely hating, by wowing me with ESB, Their Vintage, Honeydew and, now, their London Porter. What more is there to say? Fuller's set the standard for English beer because they've been around since the dawn of time... Beer time, and they've made award winners the same way I make letters happen with my fingers. Would you be surprised if I told you this one was a prize winner? You shouldn't be. Does it matter what prize it won? Not really. What prizes have you won recently? Exactly.

I've had a lot of really exciting Porters recently, it seems to be the style that breweries go to when they really want to show off. It's the style that you go to when you want to make big tasting, bold flavoured, black as a black hole playing with a pot of black paint, beer that can be anywhere between 5% and 15%. Even after having all of those exceptionally creative and delicious Porters, I will always be happy if someone plonks a bottle of this down in front of me.

Food Suggestion: Cheese, strong cheese, strong cheese that's flinty enough to cut you if you eat it at the wrong angle. Hovis biscuits, screw the people who say you shouldn't have them with cheese because they're too sweet. They're WRONG!

Drink this if you like: Any bitter-sweet Porters or Stouts. This is the standard, this is the thing that other things should be compared to.

Goose Island - Nut Brown Ale

Breweries who make delicious beer do themselves precisely no favours by doing so. I drank Goose Island IPA with no expectations and it quickly became one of my favourite beers, the bottle looked fun, I liked the idea of geese brewing beer, though after talking to their representatives I am now sure that is NOT what actually happens, and the beer itself bowled me over as if it were a blind child with glandular problems who really needed the toilet and we were both in a narrow corridor. So what did I do? What COULD I do? I had to find more, I had to see what else Goose Island had to offer, and so it was that I stumbled upon Nut Brown Ale at The Bottle Shop. I leapt at it like a fevered Civet cat and now I sit here, the weight of expectation skewing my every thought.

...Yay! When they say it's a nut brown ale they mean it's a brown ale that tastes rather nutty and not, as some companies tend to do by accident, a brown ale that is coloured like nuts. The aroma is of the hazelnuts you get wedged in bars of Cadbury fruit and nut and the taste has hints of the rest of the bar in it too. A smooth and easily drinkable character helps this beer along and the low carbonation almost gives you the impression that you're drinking nutty milk with a little alcoholic kick, like if Eggnog was awesome and filled with nuts or if you put ale and custard in a blender... Just less of a mess and more of a mellow masterstroke.

This beer is more inclusive than it is exclusive, I've had beers that should only ever be had by beer connoisseurs and I've had beer that even a child would find more drinkable than Sunny D. Goose Island, or so it seems to me, make beer that EVERYONE can enjoy and, this is the best bit, you can enjoy them on any level. I can see myself drinking nothing but Goose Island down the pub but, instead, here I am analysing it. It's uncanny is what it is. That's 2 for 2, I've got 1 more lined up but it won't be for a while, I'm looking forward to seeing what else they've got and you should too.

Nut Brown Ale seems to be available in the UK only at speciality beer shops, even when I look it up online Google gets confused and insists that it's a European beer... Yes it's done in an English style but I'm pretty sure Chicago is in America.

Food Suggestion: Double deep fry those chips and salt them up like a bout of kidney failure waiting to happen, shovel them down your face by the fist full you big mess and enjoy Goose Island Nut Brown Ale like a freakin' king!

Drink this if you like: Chocolate stouts like Choklat by Southern Tier but want something a bit smoother and a bit more easy going. You can drink this anywhere and at any occasion, you could drink it on the bus if you wanted to... I imagine no-one would judge you, in fact in my head I can only see people cheering.

Ebulum - Elderberry Black Ale

One of a number of interesting looking ales I picked up from my local Dobbie's which, for those who don't know what that is, is a garden centre with amusingly shaped toilets and a penchant for selling delicious but awfully out of place food and drink. The beer seemed to be predominantly Scottish so I decided to just run with it and buy a basket full.

Now, when the Scottish say something is black, they mean it's black, so when they say this is a black ale, they mean that it is a glass full of liquid shadow. Light may hit it but no light ever escapes, it is complete darkness, dim the lights and you'd only be able to work out it was there by it's, latte foam, head. The smell is heavily of coffee with little hints to the elderberries that it advertises which leads you to think that this is going to be a thick chocolatey stout but what you actually get is a hint of bitter, sticky, stout but a beer that is a lot like a fruity glass of spring water... How very odd. It tastes very subtly of berries and goes down a lot easier than it looks like it should. There are little hints of caramel and bread but something about this beer just seems a little off. Maybe I can't hack the idea of not drinking with my eyes, I would hope that's all, but now that I sit and analyse, I do rather feel a bit of hairiness in the mouth, a light version of that sensation you get when you wake in the middle of the night directly after you've had a heavy night of drinking.

It's not unpleasant and there are several things to like about it, especially that it's a very refreshing drink... It's just not refreshing enough to be had in Summer and not thick and chewy enough to be had in winter. It's such an odd mix because it has the look of a winter beer but the taste of a summer one and, unfortunately, that means that it fits into neither. I like it enough to say that it's worth a try, but only if it's on offer... Or someone decides to give you one.

Food suggestion: Light enough to go with a salad, if you can believe that.

Drink this if you like: Drinking odd grog from the Scotch land.

Brodie's - Hackney Red IPA

Having already sampled an absolute monster by Brodie's in the form of Big Mofo Stout, I was intrigued to see where their craft could take them and, so it was, to that end I went on the search for the rest of their range, the first to be stumbled upon was the Hackney Red IPA. It is, inevitably, a disadvantage for Brodie's to have had their big, beasty, stout reviewed before this one as my expectations are now so high that they can, logically, not be met.

Hackney Red IPA is a beautifully dark IPA with a strong, clean, hop burst on the nose and a gorgeous, rich, almost light compared to the big mofo, body that it has hints of bitterness that appear in the wings and a smooth cereal core with little flecks of red fruits popping their heads up. It's almost like one of the brewers had made a rich, hoppy, IPA and accidentally spilt their breakfast into it. At 6.1% it is strong enough to keep you in check but not strong enough as to not be sessionable if you've got your wits about you.

This is a good IPA made by a company who really know what they're doing and it's breweries like Brodie's who should be at the forefront of English beer alongside the likes of Thornbridge because, unlike some people, when Brodie's say their beer is bottle conditioned, it means THEIR BEER IS BOTTLE CONDITIONED. Brodie's don't need to tell people that they follow the Bavarian Purity Law because THEY HAVE NO NEED FOR AN INGREDIENTS LIST! This IPA is as satisfying as a cup of earl grey or a home made soup when it starts to snow, it's as comforting as knowing that the annoying children who scream in supermarkets will grow up to be disillusioned adults with crippling debts and it's as balanced as 2 gorillas, sitting on a see-saw, eyeing each other with contempt. This beer was poured and then it was gone in a matter of minutes. I love IPA's... Yes, in a weird way, and this is the way I like them, with hints of power and a taste like a coquettish transvestite, partially convincing but there's no hiding that stubble... Or those MASSIVE HANDS!

Food Suggestion: If you can't stop stuffing your face long enough to enjoy this on it's own, which you should do because it's delicious, then I guess this would go well some sort of fried fish, though I'm really liking the idea of this with some fish and chips. Buy this, go to your favourite chippy, drown those chips in salt and vinegar and then thank me when you wake up.

Drink this if you like: A bloody good IPA that is interesting, tasty and is in that lovely ground between average strength beer and beer you can embalm small mammals in.

Thornbridge - Halcyon

From the artists that brought us Jaipur and Wild Swan comes Halcyon a 7.4% Imperial IPA that is big on character and comes with a pedigree. The guys at Thornbridge, who strike me as a group of potentially mad scientists who I can imagine owning the best moustaches in history, do things properly, they don't mess around with piddling little pieces of nonsense like pasteurisation or filtration, that kind of thing, I imagine, is for handicapped people and little baby boys who will one day grow up to have an odd obsession with My Little Pony.

You are instantly greeted with a strong, heady, hoppy aroma that says, in plain English, "welcome to big boy beer, try not to spill any ya big Jessie!" The taste is deliciously malty and bitter with hints of berries and the slightest whiff of dried mango, which precedes a bitter tang that persists in the front of the pallet after a big, satisfying swig. The sensation is truly intriguing, I've never had a beer where you can only taste it at the front of your mouth, it's like all the flavour goes nuts the moment you drink it and you're just left to gulp down all that lovely alcoholic water, as if the booze itself was just a delivery system for the bitter, hoppy, flavour as opposed to it being the other way around.

Jaipur and Wild Swan were epically sessionable beers that were simple, no nonsense and tasty. You would have to be an old timey gent with a moustache the length and breadth of South Yorkshire to think it would be a good idea to session this because, at 7.4%, it has the gumption to put you on the floor quicker than Vladimir Putin Judo throwing a grizzly bear. Halcyon seems to be one of several efforts on the part of Thornbridge, though I'm sure no actual effort is necessary since they consistently make such good beer, to make beer for the real beer drinker, not a beer for the kids who occasionally try something in a bottle between binges on snake bite or old gits in grotty pubs who still think that Bass is the best beer is ever going to get, no, Halcyon (as well as a few others by Thornbridge) is a beer for the beer drinker with the golden pallet and a taste for exploration.

Everything about this beer is satisfying, though each bit is satisfying to a different degree. The colour isn't far off what a wheat bear should look like, it has a cloudy body that reminds me of the kind of honey that you have to buy in farm shops. It has a head that clings to the glass like a child clings to a parents leg and the overall texture and feel is smooth and easy going but not smooth enough that you would become complacent. The bitterness takes some of that away but it brings in a new level that just lingers and makes it as moreish as pressing a big red button that is attached to the pleasure centre of your brain. Thornbridge are one of the reasons I rate English beer so highly and it's because where other countries have a trademark, a specialty, we have companies who can do all of those things to a similar level. Thornbridge have so many strings to their bow that the bow can no longer really be considered a bow... More a harp.

Halcyon is definitely worth your time and money if you are a fan of strong bitter things. I remember this being under a fiver at The Bottle Shop, a place I constantly plug because they manage to find me lots of beer that I like.

Food Suggestion: I remember having a blueberry crème brulee at a restaurant in either Folkestone or Tenterden, I can't remember which but that would go perfectly with this. Something creamy and slightly sour just to kick things up a notch.

Drink this if you like: Jaipur, Wild Swan or any other Thornbridge tipple, though if you've never tried anything by Thornbridge then you would like this if you're a fan of St. Peters or the Bath Ales.

Thwaites - Wainright

Named for the famous Lakeland writer Alfred Wainright, Wainright (the golden ale) seems to suffer from some sort of split personality and is definitely an example of why judging a book by it's cover is a past time for the dim witted and arrogant. I had this beer a long time ago, I bought it because I was trying to work my way through every beer that Waitrose sold (which I have now succeeded in completing,) but I wasn't very optimistic about the contents of the, bland looking, brown, white and gold clad bottle that has a pencil sketch of a man, sitting against a rock, in a field, smoking a pipe, which, on the visual excitement scale, ranks up there with being forced to watch a reel of an agoraphobics holiday snaps. On top of that the text describing the beer seems to be in Comic Sans, how was I supposed to take this beer seriously at all?!

Well, far from being a watery session ale drunk exclusively by hermits and people whose core source of income comes from picking bits of cheese and pie crust from their beards and reconstituting it as folk art, Wainright is both fun and playful! It bubbles happily when you pour it before settling down like an excitable cocker spaniel after a lengthy walk, and it has such a satisfying, dark, golden hue that could fool you into thinking you were drinking a lager. It's a little frisky on the nose but not overwhelming and the taste is a little cakey with a punch of grapefruit. The smoothness and the feel, on top of the colour, make this a beer to be enjoyed all year round, whether as an alternative for a fine lager in summer or as a warming and refreshing pint after a tough day grafting in snowy winter.

I'm sorry I ever doubted Wainright, but I stand by what I said, this could be called something obscure and modern like "That Feeling You Get When You Fart In Someone Else's House" or "Inappropriate Groping" and it wouldn't be out of place. It is only that this has been done traditionally... And that's weird.

Food Suggestion: A nice nutty cheese like a Mountain Comte or a hard sheep cheese if you can get your mits on any.

Drink this if you like: Hobgoblin is fairly similar in elements of their respective tastes though if you like fine lagers like Brooklyn or St Mungo then you'd probably find this a nice transition to ale.

Fuller's - ESB

Widely considered, so says the bottle, to be one of the best beers the world has ever given us. It is hard to look past the awards for "world's champion bitter" and "Britain's best" but does it deserve the praise it has received?

Yes... Of course it does. A beer can't become this popular and renowned world wide if it's a big old pint of cat piss with a frothy top now can it? ESB is one of many shining diamonds in the Fuller's repertoire, a repertoire that is steeped in both history and grandeur. The beer is slightly hoppy on the nose and tastes like a delicious mix of thick cut marmalade and figgy pudding with a smoothness that would put Rasputin himself to shame and a finish as predictably one sided as an Italian football match. The, lightly effervescent, dark amber body is aesthetically satisfying and the pour is as easy as pouring milk. I was rather violent with the pour and the fizz never took the reigns and bolted, it is a magnificently well behaved beer.

It may well not be as powerful or deep and intricate as some of the new breed of beers but this has well earned it's reputation. It's like a sweet cup of tea and slippers after a Sunday roast, it's as soothing as a walk through a field of bluebells and as warming as a low, comfortable, armchair in front of a fire. It even has hidden whiskey notes near the end that give you a little kick once you start to get too cosy with it but it always brings you back to a smooth body and a sweet core, the comparison to whiskey doesn't end there because when you get right down to the dregs the beer itself starts to resemble a single malt that you just want to swirl around the bottom of your glass. It's a house cat that occasionally likes to flex it's claws while it sits purring on your lap and at 5.9% those claws could well draw blood if you linger too long, but for the most part ESB is a leisurely jaunt into the world of good beersmithing (a term I wish to coin,) and I advise anyone who hasn't tried it to try it at least once.

Food Suggestion: Best had post-dinner with cheese, grapes and some chutney. Better had with hard cheese, maybe a nice Applewood cheddar with a spot of Cambozola just to mix things up a bit.

Drink this if you like: It's unfair to compare this to ALL of the other Fuller's because that involves Chiswick and Bengal Lancer which fall, dramatically, short of this standard as well as Past Masters Double Stout and the Vintage which are delicious and somewhat surpass this in certain areas. It may sound odd but if you've ever had Honeydew by Fuller's, one I consider to be more of their gimmick beer, and you liked it then I think you'll enjoy the sweet smoothness of ESB.

Wold Top - Scarborough IPA

Yet another one I found in the bargain bin at my local "everything you'll ever need" warehouse/store/football pitch full of pushy customers, Scarborough Fair IPA is one I originally mistook for Wold Gold, a beer I had been advised to get by a friend, but upon finding out it was Wold Top I became despondent and decided to leave it to the side for a while. Tonight, however, is the time for the Wold to shine.

It is a fresh smelling, honey coloured pint with a clean, white, head and low carbonation. I was so excited about trying this considering the other two I got in the bargain bin were really surprising. This has the potential to be surprising but falls just short of being interesting and drops unceremoniously into the category of just being strange. The opening flavours of citrus, honey and hops mixed with a smooth body make it a pleasant pint but it's all brought down by an acidic and bitter after taste that just ruins the whole thing for me.

It may well just be this specific bottle that has that after taste and I hate saying that any beer is a bad beer but this dips WELL below the bench mark for the India Pale Ale, it dips well below the bench mark of anything I'd even consider to be beer. It has potential but it doesn't feel finished, it doesn't taste like the kind of thing you'd go up to Yorkshire to have with a nice carvery. That's what's important, for me at least, about any beer that claims to be from Yorkshire, it needs to go well with a roast, it needs to blend well with big hearty meals, it needs to be bigger and bolder. It may well be the kind of thing they make for us Southern Faeries but THIS Southern Fairy expects better.

Food Suggestion: Something with big flavours to COMPLETELY overpower this beer. Try and keep it away from any food... Try and keep it away from you, there are so many better beers out there.

Drink this if you like: That taste in your mouth after you've been violently sick.

Castle Rock - Screech Owl

Whilst looking for something interesting to review I stumbled upon a bargain bin where a big range of beers were going for the low low price of 1 English pound. I don't normally do this because I think it's a shallow and uneducated way of doing things but I picked this beer purely on the fact that the label had a freakin' scary owl on it. So what did I let myself in for?

I let myself in for a decent IPA that tastes of dry, smoky, grapefruit and not like any form of screeching bird of prey, which is a bonus. In retrospect I shouldn't have spent all my time prior to this review eating stuffed peppers and rubbing my eyes because all I can taste is burning and all I can see is obscured by the salty tears. However, even through my idiocy, this beer is pronounced enough and bold enough to leave a lasting effect. Maybe it's something to do with using super aggressive American hops because, although this doesn't have what I would describe as BIG flavour, it sure is as defined as any other beer that you'll find for a measly pound, to be fair it's probably as deliciously defined, refined and rounded as most beers in the 2-3 pound range... Which I imagine isn't too far off what this would normally cost.

There is another beer of note by Castle Rock, the much more popular Harvest Pale, which I found to be wholly forgettable in so much as I can't remember anything about it apart from that it was, almost definitely, beer. Screech owl is tasty and has hints of power lurking in it's depths, certainly worth whatever pocket change you may have and maybe a bit more.

Food suggestion: Nachos! With huge effing jalapeños melted into the cheese like little greasy land mines.

Drink this if you like: Sierra Nevada Pale Ale has similarly aggressive hop flavours and a similar smoothness. This is a nice drink to start off an evening, especially if your evening starts at lunch time.

Beartown - Wojtek

With one of the most interesting naming stories I've ever seen, it is hard to prejudge Wojtek before you even pop the cap on this pretty looking blonde. It is an interesting and surprising beer that tastes predominantly of gingerbread and has very little bitterness. In fact I've never encountered a beer that tasted like ginger bread before, so that's definitely a first! There are hints of parsley as well as a nice hoppy crunch to round it off. I really didn't expect this at all! This is an interesting beer... It's not particularly complex since it only really has that one overwhelming level but that one level is, at least, something I would pay to see again.

I was buying wine for my girlfriend's dad as a last minute birthday present and, as I often do, I got pulled towards the beer section by an invisible yet irresistible force. I looked at the shelves and uttered the same words that have become almost a mantra to me: "Had it. Boring. Boring. Had it. Boring. Had it. Had it." So I wandered around to look for wine and, like Charlie finding the golden ticket after losing all hope, I found the bargain bin. "All beer for £1" it said. "Deal!" I announced to the great confusion of onlookers who just saw me pointing and grinning at a set of shelves. This definitely gives me great hope for the other 2 bottles I took a gamble on, though I recognise both of the brewers Castle Rock and Wold Top as up and comers who people have suggested I review before. No-one mentioned Beartown! No-one mentioned Wojtek! That poor Syrian bear who the Polish thought was a real person during WW2!

For the tiny sum of 1 English pound, this was a fantastic bargain! Even if the regular price rises to to £2, it's still worth it. This is a lovely tasting beer, give it a shot!

Food Suggestion: Coffee and Walnut cake so that it tastes like the Satrbucks gingerbread latte... Which is also awesome!

Drink this if you like: Anything by Dark Star, this has the same feel and same shocking effects.

Spaten - Oktoberfestbier

When I saw this in the fridge of The Bottle Shop I was almost moved to tears. I never thought I would see one of the big 6 Munich beers ever again (the big 6 consisting of Spaten, Lowen, Hof, Augustiner, Paulaner and Hacker Pschorr,) but here I sit with a chilled bottle of Spaten's Oktoberfestbier, a self explanatory name that I refuse to spell out for anyone who may not understand what OKTOBERFEST BIER might mean. In Munich Spaten is considered the worst of the 6, joking that the spade on the front of the bottle is what it feels like you have been beaten with after a heavy night of drinking it. The Germans have VERY discerning tastes when it comes to beer. Spatenbrau was the first beer I encountered in Munich and I instantly fell in love with it, their Oktoberfestbier is a little bit more of the same but with a bumped up percentage.

To those who have not yet experienced German beer, it is best had from the source, it is often fine in bottles if you can get a good one but it is at it's finest when dispensed from a massive barrel in a beer garden, surrounded by umpa music and a thousand people eating sausages. The aroma of Spaten Oktoberfestbier is a crisp barley, the taste is slightly bready, slightly honeyed, with a smooth cereal feel. The moment you pour this is the moment you drink this, I've already finished it, I had to lick the residue from the side of the glass to come up with those adjectives just now.

Spaten wasn't ever going to get a fair crack of the whip, I have too many memories attached to this beer to ever give it a bad review and anyone who says critics should objective should SHUT THE HELL UP! I would happily drink this until my liver grew legs and decided to make a run for it before the going got any worse.

I imagine that, at Oktoberfest, the head would've stuck around for a lot longer and the taste would've been more defined, it would've gone down a lot smoother... Somehow (those crafty Germans always find a way.) But, short of petitioning the people of Munich to send me zip-lock bags of beer every month, this is the best I'm going to get. It's Munich's worst lager apparently, but it beats the living crap out of all of ours... With the exception of 1 maybe.

On a side note, if anyone knows where I can get the Oktoberfest beers from the other major brands, then I'm all ears. The Bottle Shop, apparently, have Augustiner in regularly, so expect that review in the future because I imagine that will be an extremely happy reunion.

Food Suggestion: Bratwurst, Mash, Sauerkraut, Whole grain mustard, a pretzel... Or some Jagerschnitzel with a potato dumpling...and sauerkraut if you're feeling like a bit of a change. Though, since we're in England, SAUSAGE AND MASH! YAAAAAY!

Drink this if you like: Smooth as silk lager. Drink this if you like beer that tastes like beer but goes down like air. If you're a fan of Warsteiner or Bitburger and want to step up, this is your next port of call.

Meantine - London Stout

This beer is definitely not trying to be anyone's friend! Wow! The burnt coffee bean aroma is followed by the ashen taste of glowing wood chips without ever being too bitter to drink, not by a long shot, it's as smooth as a con artist covered in olive oil and is intensely satisfying to pour, having the closest thing I've seen to a draught pour from a bottle. This is a revived recipe from a simpler time when beer was as black as the Thames and you can certainly taste its' old school charm. I'm drinking it out of an old Guinness glass that I got from a charity shop and Guinness is probably the closest thing to this, though traditionally thick and smooth, the bottled versions are often watery and listless while still retaining that trademark flavour.

I prefer this... Out of the bottle at least, if you go to Ireland and get a Guinness on tap then I defy you to say that isn't the best thing ever. However, on the bottle market, there is so much more competition and Meantime have made a real contender. This is best had on a cold day in winter to stave off the effects of pneumonia and remind you of much warmer times.

Food suggestion: A little bit of dark chocolate or a rich dark chocolate torte to break it up and give it a new level of sweetness. It needs it, but it doesn't need a lot. Or, if you fancy, have it with jellied eels like a cockney mob boss... Yeah, like a boss!

Drink this if you like: Guinness... What have I been saying throughout this whole review?

Mikkeller - Foodball

Words completely fail me at this moment in time. What an intensely peculiar beer! I was told stories about this "Solstice Saison", about how it split opinion between everyone who tasted it. Everyone managed to taste something different, everyone managed to form dramatically different interpretations of what was actually going on, no-one could agree on what balance of what elements were at play, but what they could all agree on is that it was deeply intriguing. Saisons, by nature, don't have uniform characteristics that you can instantly go to as a starting point and it is clear that having your first Mikkeller (only Mikkeller, no collaborations,) and your first Saison in one go may go some way to making this review difficult.

It pours a deep red that looks like fake blood watered down and froths a lively head that sticks around long past the opening ceremonies. On the nose it smells slightly or redcurrants but that only goes as far as to lull you into a false sense of security because, at the moment, there's nothing massively out of the ordinary. The first sip will literally make you do a double take, it'll make ladies swoon and it'll make men have partially unwanted erections, whatever happens to you when you take that first sip will be dramatic. I personally went for the cheesy double take and audible swearing, but that's just me.

The first taste, for the first half a second is the most refreshing and drinkable thing you've ever had in your life, that first half a second is bliss! It's like a sweet, crisp, lightly fruity, frosted glass of German Helles on a sweltering summers day, it is a pleasure to behold for that first half a second. Then BAM! SUPER BITTERNESS! Super duper bitterness in fact, with a tinge of sourness, the likes of which I have only ever experienced with VERY dry ciders, and I'm not a cider drinker so it'll be the very cheap dry ciders. It really takes you aback and it somewhat scares you away from taking a second sip, but I didn't become a beer critic from just giving up straight away when something tasted odd (a lesson that shouldn't be transferred into the food world,) I kept at it, marched right up to the glass like a freakin' trooper, stared it square in the eye and... Timidly took a second sip. Well I'll be damned if my taste buds hadn't reorganised themselves into a slightly smarter shape to deal with the onslaught. All the flavours had moulded together as if the beer itself had seen me react negatively, shouted something along the lines of, "of course you don't like me, I wasn't bloody ready yet, was I ya big knob?!" Before promptly reshaping and shifting itself into something more palatable. This is a good thing because when it settles what you get is a dark red, frothy, slightly fruity, heavily bitter, easily drinkable, 6%, monster that's big on bitterness and subtle in all the wrong places. It shouldn't work, it doesn't really work, but it sure is an enjoyable ride. Near the end there's even a hint of fresh mint! It's not a drink to get drunk to because the idea of having a second one of these tonight is somewhat frightening to me but a drink to be admired by people with learned palates. It works better as a test of the beer critic as it does as a tool for intoxication. That is not to say you shouldn't buy this, I'm not saying it's a bad beer, I know what bad beer tastes like and this isn't it. All I would say is that if you do buy this, don't expect to like it at first, don't expect to ever like, but depending on your personal tastes, expect there to be a chance for you to love it.

Again this was supplied to me by the good people at The Bottle Shop at the Goods Shed in Canterbury, the big shed-like building next to Canterbury West station with the pebbled car park and puddles you could go fishing in. Those guys know their stuff.

Food Suggestion: Some sort of salad with cucumber and feta and spiced mayonnaise. This beer needs something light to go with it, hearty food would smother it and it needs something it can accentuate that it doesn't have itself.

Drink this if you like: Traditional London Stouts... Well... Some of them at least, have the bitterness to match this. Think of this as a light London Stout for the summer months when you don't want stodge and would prefer something more playful.

Duchy - Old Ruby Ale

I'm always rather sceptical when people who make biscuits and rear beef then turn their hand to the fine art of brewing beer, I get the impression that some companies just spread themselves too thin to make any decent sort of beer. Sometimes, when that is utterly true, big supermarkets might get a well known beer company to make their beer for them, which I think is cheating. If it helps, I do rather like their biscuits.

It turns out that I should not have been scared of this at all, the aroma has a hint of currants and poached figs and the taste is a mix between bitter berries and custard. The pour is impressive and satisfying and it seems to be best served at about half room temperature. It doesn't entirely look like a ruby ale, looking more brown than a lot of bitters I've had, but it sure as hell tastes like one! Normally characterised by fruity flavours, this evens those out with the balance of the slight bitterness and a biscuity flavour that only rears its head after a couple of hefty, man sized, gulps. This creamy and easily drinkable ruby ale is a beautiful middle ground between lager and real ale and would be a perfect starting point for anyone who wanted to get more acquainted with the world of real beer.

I'm not altogether sure whether this has been brought in from another company, I suspect it hasn't, it tastes like someone has worried about this, it smells like someone has thought about it, as a whole package it is a good beer. It's not blowing any doors down but it is definitely a good beer that can easily be had again and again, I could easily drink this for the rest of the evening... But I won't, there's a whole world of beer out there!

Food suggestion: Fig rolls... Poached figs... Something to do with figs, this has really got me in the mood for them.

Drink this if you like: Copper Top by Old Dairy Brewery or Hobgoblin by Wychwood. It's not the same as them but it's definitely 1 step in a different direction away from both of them that fans of each would find satisfying.

Southern Tier - Choklat

I've been looking forward to this for a while. When the owner of your favourite speciality beer shop (The Bottle Shop in Canterbury,) a man who really knows his beer, picks out one that you should try then you know you're on to something rather interesting. Choklat is a gloriously obsidian imperial stout that, at times, tastes like a chocolate milkshake (a good one) and at others tastes like a chilled mocha. It looks and feels as thick as double cream and instantly brought a smile to my face. Stouts have always had elements of chocolate about them, they've always had hints of coffee and spice and all things nice but this is something special, it's a thick stout that clocks in at a hefty 10% that can be downed greedily in a matter of seconds or nursed gently over the course of an evening, though at a whopping £12, the latter seems the most advisable, though the former is somewhat more realistic. The sweet chocolate and mildly bitter coffee tastes remind me of all the fun and fantastical chocolates I used to buy when I was young, ones with marshmallows in the middle and ones with turkish delight, which if you take a big mouthful of Choklat is exactly what you will taste. The tingle from the alcohol is evident but if it wasn't then you'd have to have taste buds chiselled from granite and, if that was the case, why would you be on a page reviewing GOOD beer?

I respect what the Americans are doing, along with the Scottish, they are leading the beer revolution. The list of ingredients reads like the shopping list of a 6 year old beer connoisseur with a sweet tooth and includes the use of a bittersweet Belgian chocolate. To pull out a hackneyed quote, "we're not in Kansas anymore," and by Kansas I mean "The Bavarian Purity Laws," and by IN I mean "strictly adhering to." I still see the Germans and the Belgians as the best beer makers in the world but it's this kind of free thinking and flawless execution of a beer that will turn America into one of the great powerhouses of world beer.

This beer is definitely a treat. It's something a bit special to be had when you've been very good or extremely bad, it's just so full of contradiction, it just looks so severe, like a glass of flat coke that someone's mixed corn syrup into but it's just so fun! The child in me is screaming at me to down it, eat a bowl of ice cream, run around, play with some toy cars and then question why I'm feeling so sick. The adult in me is questioning why I'm still writing and not drinking...

Food Suggestion: Not sure it would work at all but I get the urge to have this with a cheese board. It's not a traditionally sweet chocolate taste, it's still a little bitter and has a depth that I think would complete a cutting board full of hard cheese.

Drink this if you like: Drinking a chocolate milkshake that will knock you on your arse.

Nils Oscar - God Lager

This is another one that has been kindly donated to the cause by a fellow geek, though this one came from my favourite food nerd Declan Moriarty, a compatriot at work and a whiz in the kitchen. His pallet is considerably more advanced than mine when it comes to food and he found me a bottle of Nils Oscar - God Lager, a beer that Waitrose sells in only a few select stores, that he found to be most enjoyable.

My first impressions of the beer may seem like a criticism, but I assure you they are not; it just seems so... Clean... So pure, not in a sterile way, but in a fresh linen and spring breeze kind of way. It smells how good lager should smell, just a little hoppy on the nose with a woft of cream after a big snoot full. The taste is not spectacular but it does it's job, the real astounding part of this beer is the texture, the way it goes down, the way I could drink it from the fetted sock of a gangrenous tramp and not get any less flavour or fun, how picking the bits of toenail out of my mouth wouldn't dull the sensation. It really is quite extraordinary how the malt in this has translated into a feel not unlike a melted milkshake.

On the bottle it does claim to have the big flavours of real ale, which is where they fall down, because from that one remark I can only assume that they have never tried real ale or they have decided to massively oversell the contents of the bottle. Don't get me wrong though, this is in the style of the Dortmunder/Helles, and thus deals in subtlety of flavour and smoothness of body, which this succeeds in. I could easily see myself in a beer garden in Munich drinking a litre of this with a plate of meat and gravy and potato dumplings in front of me, but in a similar way I could see myself drinking this straight out of the bottle in a fancy bar in Sweden. I'm not all that clued up on Swedish beer to be perfectly honest but if it's all like this then I think we've got a future powerhouse on our hands... That's IF they're all like/better than this... Which seems unlikely. This is bloody lovely though.

Food suggestion: It's a Helles, have it with sausages, gravy, sauerkraut and mash or stuff your greedy chops with bar snacks and down this by the gallon!

Drink this if you like: Drinking like a Viking lord! Drink this if you like drinking out of horns and riding longboats. More practically, if you like drinking lager, ANY LAGER, drink this, it's better.

De Halve Maan -Straffe Hendrik

This is exciting! Everything about this beer tells me I should be excited, everything from the dark green label that has imperfections under it and is peeling off at the sides as if someone had decided to bottle this in someone's shed... At night. The pour is like trying to tame a wild horse, even after a day of chilling, the head is unwieldy and feral, taking an age to reduce any, but why would you want it to? It has the same seaside foam sound that the Delirium did and at first you taste, of all things, pineapple. It settles down into a rounded malty delight that has hints of sour dough bread and a smoothness that you would do well to find any taste of alcohol in. This is another one of those ninja beers, the kinda that, if you hadn't read the bottle, you would drink the evening away with, only to wake up with severe gaps in your memory and no recollection of getting a tattoo devoted to someone called "Gertrude."

It's 9%, which IS strong. I keep having to remind myself that, just because I drink 10-12% stouts for this blog, anything between 6% and 10% is still enough to knock your bonce clean off its stump. It certainly does not taste like a 9%, in fact it barely tastes like a 4.5%. I'd have a tougher time drinking Heineken... I'd probably have a tougher time drinking warm cream. It's such an interesting beer because before you even pop the cork on this 75cl freakin' wine bottle of hearty booze you are already confronted with so much character. It tells you the basics, like how it is from Bruges, how it's 9% and how Bruges is in Belgium but then there's nothing but green, gold and a moody looking crescent moon with a fluffy beard and a murder weapon for a forehead if he were ever to head butt anyone.

It is so charming in the way it presents itself as well as in the way it tastes. I could stare at a half glass for a good half hour just watching the dark amber depths of my vessel just bubble away. When the head does recede it leaves a map of the world on the sides of the glass. This beer is truly a sticky, sweet, success and one well ingrained in Belgian tradition. The brewers, who are the last active brewers in Bruges, De Halve Maan should be extremely proud of themselves.

I have heard, down the beer grapevine that De Halve Maan also have a quadruple Straffe Hendrik, which I shall have to hunt and then promptly wolf down like a greedy duck trying to consume a box of Krispy Kremes.

This beer, as well as the other Belgian beauties, were donated by my favourite Belgian barberette Kim. Thanks Kim, you're totally badass for giving me these and you have increased by respect for Belgian beer by a couple of percent... Because I already consider Belgian beer to be in the top 2 of beer producing countries. For those of you who have never tried Belgian beer, put down your dented can of Carlsberg export, put on some proper trousers, go to the shops and bloody well buy some!

Food Suggestion: This would go well with pork, maybe some sticky ribs, a gammon steak or something that involves lots of bacon.

Drink this if you like: ...There is just nothing like this from our shores, not that I've tasted anyway. Drink this if you like Belgian beer, it is both more of the same and something completely different, like a new Offspring album or having sex with twins.

Delirium Tremens

I was told by my favourite Belgian barberette, Kim Debree (who generously donated these beers to me,) that of the 3 Delirium Tremens is the one most likely to have me seeing double, it's the one that really is not to be trifled with. It must be respected and enjoyed but never get the impression that it's your friend. IT IS NOT YOUR FRIEND! It tastes like it's your friend, everything about it suggests that it'll be your best bud for life, it pours in that same satisfying way that all the great Belgian beers do, like a frothy wave lapping gently at a shore of amber sand, If you take a sip through the thick head you can ever hear the bubbles pop in a gorgeously relaxing way that reminds me of putting conch shells to my ear whilst at the seaside so I could get the sound of the sea in surround sound. They can't have intended to do that, it's just not possible for someone to brew a beer and then specify that it sounds like the sea... But if anyone could then it would definitely be the Belgians.

Having been intimately acquainted with other members of the Delirium family was a huge advantage for me when it came to reviewing this beer because I could see what they've changed, what they've improved, that kind of thing and what you get with ANY Delirium is smooth and sweet textures and aromas that make them all intensely drinkable and a kick that would put Mirko CroCop to shame. The Tremens is no exception, weighing in at 8.5%, this triple distilled beauty is rich and smooth in all the right places, there's light fudge flavours with blackcurrant notes and a very small hint of elderflower. It is a beautifully rounded beer that doesn't taste as powerful as its' triple distilled counterparts but I'm certain that it is not meant to be. If other beers can be Howitzers and Cannons operated by the blood thirsty and the criminally insane, then this is a small, ornately decorated, dagger, wielded by an Armani clad assassin. You won't see that it's hit you, you won't feel that it's hit you, all you'll remember is waking up... If it has allowed you to live.

This is another example of the Bavarian purity laws at work as this contains only 4 ingredients. The laws are so important in the construction of traditional beer, you should never feel you need to add anything other than that small handful of components to make a masterpiece. Delirium Tremens is best served cold and in a Delirium Tremens glass with little pink elephants on it that make you look like a total badass!

This beer, as well as a multitude of other Belgian beauties, can be found at La Trappiste in Canterbury amongst other places. If you're not from around here then most Belgian places should have it, it's definitely one of their standards.

Food Suggestion: I'm really liking the idea of goats cheese with this, maybe on a pizza with caramelised red onions and a plate of garlic bread on the side... And some crispy, thick cut, chips! I'm getting fatter just from spell checking this review!

Drink this if you like: Duvel would be the obvious comparison though if you've never EVER had Belgian beer before then, firstly, what the s*** are you doing with your life?! And secondly, go find some Leffe Blonde somewhere, it won't be hard. Drink that, realise that you've wasted your life drinking vodka and red bull, then drink this to make your life complete.

Brugse Zot

For the Belgians beer is the national pastime, national obsession and national sport all rolled into one and, hence, it came as no surprise at all when my favourite Belgian, Kim Debree (local hairdresser and beer fanatic,) came up to me and told me that she knew of some beers that would absolutely blow me away. For Belgium, at least, having good beer is a matter of national pride. She gave me 3 beers, 2 of which were 75cl bottles, along with the branded glasses! She doesn't do things by halves!

The first of the 3 was one I have had before, but never before have I had it straight from the source. I've always managed to find bottles that have festered on dusty shelves, cravenly ignored by people who pass it up for more mainstream tipples. The beer I had before suffered for its travels and had waited around in the light for too long to be spectacular... It was still a gorgeous drink, but this, THIS isn't how I remember that drink tasting.

Brugse Zot, as you can guess from the title... I'm not altogether sure why I was trying to create suspense by withholding the name, is a light coloured, heady, smooth, vision of a beer that has a slight crispness and tastes like malted bread and butter pudding. This is easily at the benchmark for excellent light beer that the people of Munich set and, I believe, is up there with the very best ones (though what the best ones are is a matter of personal taste... Augustiner and Hofbrau. If you disagree then you are wrong.) I remember going to Brussels when I was young and, to my deepest chagrin, only tried 2 beers. I was on a politics school trip, so heavy drinking was frowned upon but not altogether impossible. I had Palm, which I love to this day, and a pils called Maes. I remember thinking that Maes was intensely drinkable but it is absolute pond water compared to this!

Brugse Zot, Zot meaning fool, is anything but foolish. To me it seems to be extremely well thought out, all the way from the fine 2 to 3 fingers of head that sticks to the side of the glass like a shoal of barnacles. It is sweet, sometimes bready, smooth and delicious. A perfect drink to whittle away any evening with. I know, from experience, that this is not the most complex beer the Belgians have to offer but if you just want a lovely, light, drink with some friends then there is no better social lubricant than this.

Food Suggestion: Moules Mariniere! A classic pairing of Belgian beer and Belgian food. Coincidences don't just happen! This would work well with something creamy and buttery with a little something to cut through it and take it to another level. Oh! And some big hunks of crusty brown bread with sea salt and butter! Do it! You know you want to!

Drink this if you like: Curious Brew or any of the Munich 6, I rate it, on a scale involving beers that you can just sit down and drink for days, as high as I rate those.

Affligem

Poor little Affligem, it took me drinking 2 whole crates of you before I even considered writing a review about you. You've been the beer I've had in the background when I haven't wanted to write anything, you're the beer I've gone to when I've just wanted a drink that I a) didn't have to pay for and b) tasted relatively nice. You're not setting the world on fire, you definitely taste Belgian in a nondescript, generic, way and you even have a slightly creamy after texture and comfortingly boozy afterglow. I don't know why I've overlooked you for so long, you definitely taste better than most of the crap in your price range, though I don't know how much you cost because I didn't directly pay for you, but you came from France so you must have been dirt cheap.

It came to my attention recently, Affligem, that the more I drank you the more I forgot exactly how much I'd had, which pays huge testament to your drinkability. I just didn't think about it. The lack of bitterness and general softness just made you blend into the crowd, not that you are uninteresting, just nothing struck me as anything special, but maybe that's what makes you special.

There is always room in this world for a beer who can do the simple things well, you don't need to be weird and interesting when you can just be good.

Food Suggestion: It's hard to think but I've had this with everything from burgers to lentils, curry to fish and chips... It's not hindered any of them and worked well with most of them.

Drink this if you like: Kwak, Palm, Leffe Blonde or Erdinger.

Adnams - Broadside

A classic, strong, ruby, mistress of an ale that has the colour and overarching flavour of fruitcake and a sweet aroma. I can certainly believe it when they say that this ale was made to commemorate a battle at sea, I can certainly see myself, tired from a day of frigging the rigging and spit shining the poop deck and whatever it is people did on ships, before collapsing on a bar stool. There would be straw, dogs, chickens and spit at my feet but it wouldn't matter because I had a pint of Broadside.

I put off drinking Adnams for the longest time because, in my youth and inexperience, I saw them as one of those boring 'old man' beers that were watery and weak and tasted a bit like muddy water (like Marstons, not that they have bad beer, I've just always thought of their beer as a tad boring, ((I qualify that as Marstons the brand, not Marstons the company because they own Brakspear,) but of all the big, classic, names in the annals of English beer history, Adnams is definitely one of the more interesting. I think it says a lot about the company when the man who founded it gets bored of living where he does, goes overseas and gets eaten by a crocodile. I get the impression that Adnams isn't afraid to make beer precisely the way they want to make it and if people like it then that's fine, and if they don't... Well, like Captain Hook, may they rot in the intestines of a giant crocodile.

Food Suggestion: It says on the bottle that you should have it with cheese but I had it with a Pieminister Deerstalker pie and it worked rather well. Beer and meat or beer and cheese? Beer and meat and cheese and pastry and get out of my room, I'm having a moment...

Drink this if you like: 1698 by Shepherd Naeme or any form of ruby ale.

BrewDog - Alpha Dog

Boozing up Ribena like an inner man-child who's just been playing in a garden filled with football, tyre swings and tits, and now needs something to quench his thirst. BrewDog just can't stop making nostalgic, easy to drink (until you pass out,) intensely interesting beers, and Alpha Dog is no exception. Described as an existential red ale, it certainly lives up to that as you can't help but be reminded of something from your childhood, for me it was playing in the garden and drinking Ribena, for you it might be playing in the... Park, and drinking... Robinsons blackcurrant squash. It even gives you the sensation that you've put a bit too much water in your squash before it hits you with a malty afterglow. It's not just boozy Ribena as I originally stated, though, it's got several more layers to it than that, because although the feel and opening taste are akin to Ribena, the colour is a deep crimson and the aroma is hoppy with hints of red fruit.

Have I mentioned yet how easy it is to drink? Because it's like drinking freakin' unicorn farts! (Which I imagine taste better than they sound... If they exist... Which they don't) I may have mentioned in passing how drinkable it was but I don't think I did it justice, it goes down like Luis Suarez if he had egg shells for knee caps, my beer glass went down faster than Lance Armstrong after an ill advised move from his management team that mostly involved him wearing a giant cardboard sign saying "Doping r da gr8st! Da Frnch smel liek cheez!" The moment you pour this is the moment it's gone. Buy several and then buy several more five minutes later when you somehow 'misplace' the ones you bought in the first place.

I got this one under the advisement of The Bottle Shop and it's quite clear that they know their stuff.

Food Suggestion: This is definitely a light summery beer and the food should match it. I'd pair it up with some sort of quiche or tart with vine ripened tomatoes or asparagus.

Drink this if you like: Red ale in general, if you're a fan of Red Top by The Old Dairy Brewery or anything similar then you'll go mad for this. I guess if you're a massive fan of squash or Kool Aid then you'll get along with this just fine too.

Franziskaner Weissbier

Yay! I've been looking forward to reviewing one of the many beautiful beers I had in beautiful Munich and this is the very first chance I've had. It wasn't my first choice... It wasn't my second or third choice, in fact I had completely forgotten I'd even had it until I saw it on the shelf at Sainsbury's. I will happily admit that I audibly gasped when I saw it because when I remembered where I had this beer, a whole reservoir of memories came flooding back to me. It was the day I found out that, in Munich, it is acceptable to drink a pint with breakfast, which on a scale of one to "HOLY S*** YOUR HAIR IS FIRE! I'VE GOT TO PUT IT OUT WITH RAINBOWS!" is one step higher than going to Switzerland and buying a beer with my Big Mac.

The interesting thing about Franziskaner, and about all German beer for that matter, is how they turn only a handful of original ingredients (and it is only ever a handful because of how strictly they stick to the Bavarian purity laws,) into something that tastes like fruity toffee, whereas the exact same set of ingredients can make a much darker and more bitter experience. Franziskaner, owned by Spatenbrau/Lowebrau/That Brazilian company who merged everyone's name into something ridiculous, is one of the few mass produced German beers that ever see it over to English shores. I sure as Helles (get it? No? Drink more,) haven't seen a bottle of Augustiner or Paulaner Dunkel down the One Stop or on the shelves of my supermarket/everything you ever need store.

In fact, the only other one to have made it over and made any form of impact is Erdinger. So is Franziskaner better than Erdinger? That's really just a matter of opinion, however, Erdinger retains it's flavour throughout, Franziskaner starts off with a burst of flavour before settling down to a much more drinkable state, which some may think is a good thing and some may think is a bad thing. The aroma is of caramel and gravy and the taste is thick and sweet with hints of pear and treacle... This was never going to be a fair review, but no reviews ever are. I had this for freakin' breakfast! I had it with a pretzel and honey mustard and a boiled freakin' sausage! Made from veal! And various organs I didn't ask about! It was this or coffee, the people who chose coffee were the ones who didn't look like they would have lasted through anything that Munich has seen in the last 100 years... If you know what I'm saying.

Food Suggestion: Pretzels! Honey Mustard! Boiled sausage! Nothing else!

Drink this if you like: Drinking before noon without looking like a complete alcoholic. This is your loophole... You're welcome!

Shepherd Neame - 1698

Bottle conditioned and thrice-hopped, or so says the Shepherd Neame marketing spiel, what did I expect? I expected more of the same, something to the same or better standard as Whitstable Bay, Late Red or Early Bird. What did I get?

Well, first, I need to tell you a little bit about Shepherd Neame. They are MASSIVE in Kent, just like Fullers are in London, Shepherd Neame are massive here, you can barely walk a hundred yards in any given direction without tripping over a Neame. Each one tends to have Master Brew on tap and then another from their extensive repertoire on top of that, the problem is (and I hate to say this) but a couple of their ales are just a bit bland and lacking in fortitude, even the good ones tend to be versions of the poor ones with one or two features that redeem and then hoist it to the status of 'good beer.'

1698, named for their tercentenary, is a completely different creature. If I were given a blind taste test then I would not say that this was a Shep's.  This proves to me that they know how to make intricate and interesting beer, even if their idea of intricate and interesting is: "BOOM! HOW D'YA LIKE HOPS ALL UP IN YO FACE?!" This 6.6% Strong Ale has the feel and taste of a chocolate stout or heavy porter and the hoppiness of a strong IPA. I rather like it when bottles have tasting guides on the back because I like to feel smug when I disagree. Apparently this is auburn... I'll take their word for that one, I'm downing this bad boy straight out the bottle like some sort of King/Farmer. They say it smells roasted, I say it smells more nutty with hints of hops and poached figs. THEY say it tastes rich, fruity and warming... Well... Ok, they've pretty much got that one down, though I would add that it tastes rather like caramel to boot... Fine, they got it mostly right.

I didn't think I'd like this beer as much as I, in fact, do. My first ever drink was a pint of Oranjeboom in a Shepherd Neame down the road from where I used to live and if they served this at all of them then I would be a much better customer.

Food Suggestion: Caramelised pork belly with a caramelised apple on the side... Caramel!

Drink this if you like: Mackeson's Stout... No, really, that's the closest thing I can think of to this, though this has more than double the alcohol content and doesn't come in a can.

The Five Bells Special

I am really bloody lucky to have a pub less than fifty steps from my house, I am even luckier when you consider that that pub is The Five Bells, a place that holds many distant, childhood, memories of chips and Orangina but now holds a place in my heart for supplying me with a range of fantastic local fare and fantastic local beer. For any weary traveller, for any beer connoisseur, for anyone in search of a good meal and a delicious pint, The Five Bells in East Brabourne is a home away from home. There are 2 things that really stand out for me and, rather predictably, they are both beers they have on tap. They often have guest appearances from Hopdeamon and Goachers of Faversham and Maidstone respectively as well as the occasional cameo of Gadds of Ramsgate but the 2 that really stand out for me are the 2 they have there every time I go in...

Chapel Down - Curious Brew

You might notice that the glass in the picture is a bit empty. When you get Cruious Brew on tap you tend to forget pretty much everything else. In a previous blog I described this drink as dangerously drinkable, drinkable to the point that I would happily drown in the stuff, well I will explain to you why I consider it so highly within the world of beer. It pours like a lager and, for all intents and purposes is indeed a lager, but it has the complexity of an IPA of double the price and the ability to quench thirst like a jug of ice water, poured from a jug that was crafted of ice, happiness and the tears of God! It drinks like a Helles style lager, which the Germans will tell you is one of the few types of beers worth drinking, and it has a range of different flavours which evoke a range of different feelings. It is lightly hoppy with twinges of grapefruit whilst having a cloudy creaminess and a mix of honey and caramel as a pleasing after taste.

For a pint you'll expect to pay a lot closer to a fiver than you would normally like but for that you are getting a pint of Ambrosia, the closest us mere mortals will ever get to drinking the nectar of the gods. I often go to the pub with my girlfriend and, as romantic as the scenery, the roaring fire, the smell of fresh bread, the quirky tables and chairs, are, I do find my myself wandering off into a world of my own where there is just me and my pint. That's how delicious this beer is. For me it just ticks all the boxes, it's not over powering, it's not so subtle that it becomes bland, it is a work of artistry.

... Don't buy it bottled. It tastes like piss when it's bottled.

Food Suggestion: They have a Five Bells burger that comes on a slab of wood, is served with a small metal bucket of gorgeous chips and is, maybe, the best burger you'll ever eat (in Kent.) I matched these 2 up the last time I went as part of the poshest 'beer and burger' combo I've ever experienced. You need to do it.

Drink this if you like: Hofbrau, Lowenbrau, Augustiner, Spatenbrau, Hacker-Pschorr or Paulaner... Basically if you've ever been to Oktoberfest.

Brabourne Stout

If Curious Brew is their lead lager than Brabourne Stout is their house speciality, a deep, almost obsidian, velvet stout, that goes down like a tub of double cream and tastes like licking Willy Wonka's coffee filter. Made by Goachers of Maidstone (Imperial Stout) this heady mix of coffee, alcohol and a bitter box of milk tray is perfect to start a night, end a night, completely forget a night and though not quite as drinkable as the Curious, very few things are. This pint can disappear in 30 seconds flat and bring a smile to your face while burning a hole in your wallet at the same time.

At Christmas my girlfriends' sisters' parents in law came over from Boston and I felt it my absolute duty to get one of them addicted to Brabourne Stout and that they verily did. The words "Jeez! What's up with this beer?!" were uttered several times, which I took to be a good sign as pint after pint vanished and the potential for a massive Christmas hangover increased exponentially.

Food Suggestion: They have, on their desert menu (a lot of the time at least,) a fresh, still warm out of the oven, chocolate and beetroot brownie, served with vanilla ice cream that melts into and makes a deliciously gooey mess. Buy that... Then buy another one and drink Brabourne Stout with it... Then go to weight watchers and blame Drew for being so fat.

Drink this if you like: It's not quite as chocolatey as Choklat by Southern Tier, nor does it quite have the coffee edge of some others but it has just the right mix. If you like real stout then you'll get along with this just fine.