Boathouse Brewery - Discworld Ales

Before I even crack the cap on the first bottle from this well presented 4 pack I got for Christmas (from my lovely girlfriend,) I know that this review is probably not going to end well. There are few things I love more than beer, in fact there is NOTHING I love more than beer but there are things that are on a par with beer. Discworld is not one of those things but it is much higher on my list of priorities than vegetables, finger boarding, studying ancient Roman mythology
and bathing. If I may sum it up, I love the inspiration for the beer but if I don't love the beer then I'm going to be SUPREMELY vexed. There's no reason why they shouldn't be good but I've just repeated the Trooper review but with a subject that's much closer to my heart. Why do I do these things to myself? I could've just chugged them down quietly in a poorly lit room, but no, I must broadcast my thoughts to the world.

Damn my natural showmanship!


Modo's Midden - Golden Ale 4.5%

Ever had beer made by a dwarf that didn't really exist? Me neither... Except that one time... Though even then he was more of a midget than a dwarf. Regardless of previous experience, this is a beer review and I'm here to a) Drink b) Drink some more c) Rip out the awesome beat boxing skills that I think I have after 4 pints (which I totally do,) and d) Do some writing maybe.

Modo's Midden pours a nice, inviting, slightly darker golden colour with a generous 2 finger head and medium carbonation. On the nose it's sweet and floral with woody tones, all of which combines to make this, aesthetically at least, an appealing beverage. On a side note, I do rather like the little story they've written on the back that's somewhat in the style of Pratchett. I wonder whether the great man himself had any say in the descriptions... Or whether he knows about these beers at all, the Discworld Ales site doesn't seem to want to make that fact particularly obvious. Let's just assume he does and that he loves them.

The taste is well rounded with floral honey and malt sweetness running through the core and a light lemon aura. Bitterness starts to build as you drink more but it never pushes to the point that it overtakes and becomes the star, which somewhat suits this beer. It looks like fizzy caramel and tastes close to what I imagine butter beer would taste like. I know I shouldn't mix canon and that no-one asked Harry Potter to crash this party but it's true, that sweet roundness makes Modo's Midden dangerously drinkable. The label says that it makes you want to keep drinking and it wasn't joking. This is a well made, smooth tasting, nicely balanced beer that, though not the most challenging beer in the world, is at least interesting enough to justify a heavy session.

It may help that it hasn't been filtered, this bottle has some sediment which just shows me that it's real beer made by a real person. If that's not the case than that's one hell of a dwarven machine.

Food suggestion: Caramel pork belly or a honey glazed ham or sweet gammon, pineapple, egg and chips. Definitely some sort of sticky sweet pork

Drink this if you like: Dwarves and gardening... There is a story in that but you'll have to buy the bottle to find out.


Bugarup Blonde - Fourecks IPA 4%

Strewth! If it ain't a beer based on my favourite island on the disc, Fourecks (essentially Australia,) it's my favourite because it was the island in the first Discworld book I ever read: The Last Continent, I didn't start at the beginning... I don't play by your rules! The fact that this beer is also attributed to a Bill RINCEWIND means that this beer has twice as much to prove because if you're going to reference my favourite island and my favourite character than you best make this beer the BEST BLOODY BEER IN THE WORLD! ... Cobber.

Wow this is a really pale ale. I know it's an IPA, a Fourecks IPA to be exact, but that's an IPA with the P in bold and underlined. I've seen tap water darker than this beer, though that's mostly because we had rusty pipes at university. This is the same hue as most pilsners and it has the wispy head of an imperial stout. I really don't know what to expect from this, I can't just go to my standard well of adjectives when describing this because it just seems odd.

The hop aroma is a real creeper, it doesn't assault you like some do but it edges towards your nostrils, in a peculiar way it reminds me of the smell of nettles in the summer. There's a hint of the wheat field, a hint of summer, those odd nettles and I'm stumped by the smell. I'm really hoping that all adds up to it being a barn storming beer because right now it just looks like lager.

It tastes pleasant enough, opening with sour berries and ending with a light bitterness. It has a medium to heavy mouth feel and overall it's not a bad beer but there's something in there that's somewhat cloying and it seems to be hanging around a lot longer than I would have liked. Maybe it wasn't nettles I was smelling, it was the hot odour of all those horrid spores that get stuck to your clothes.

I'll drink the rest but I can and WILL sulk whilst doing so. I'm so horrifically disappointed by this one, it had references to my favourites and it limped into the blocks with a broken leg and left with the merciful sound of a shotgun firing.

It's not bad but it is fiercely average.

Food suggestion: The tears of extreme disappointment.

Drink this if you like: Seeing a grown man drink beer in the style of a 5 year old who just got an encyclopaedia for Christmas.


Bledlow's Silence - IPA 5.5%

I like the story behind this, I enjoy all the cloak and dagger, I like the throwback to the boathouse brewery having to bribe the Unseen University's crack team of porters. I really think they've missed a trick here though. The story is great, it's cheeky and cunning but wouldn't it have made much more sense for a beer named after porters to be a porter? You know... That style of beer that actually exists and would've been absolutely perfect? Maybe it was a bit too obvious and the people at Boathouse (Ales By Mail, I've just found out are the ones that produce this) Brewery and they'd already passed it up, opting for the exceptionally less obvious IPA. It's a bold move, I just hope the beer stands up on its own because that last one left me in a real funk, not a Soul Music kind of funk, the kind of funk that pushes regular beer critics into Going Postal.

The pour is rather underwhelming, producing a nice dark amber but with almost no carbonation and an extremely light soap bubble head that evaporates almost instantly. I shouldn't drink with my eyes but it's hard not to when what I'm looking at has decided to stand out so much by making a point of not standing out at all... Which I guess fits in with their whole back story. Aromatic and hoppy on the nose but I've definitely smelt much more enthusiastic IPAs, this almost seems scared of being consumed.

It tastes watery and the hops are as weak as most of my similes. To be kind I will describe this as refreshing... The same way that WATER is refreshing! It tastes like slightly bitter water! What the sh*t is this?! HOW F***ING DARE YOU SULLY THE NAME OF TERRY PRATCHETT WITH THIS UTTER SH*T!

This review is over. A dull beer that should never EVER even be mentioned in the same breath as someone like Terry Pratchett. What a f***ing disgrace! I hope Mr. Pratchett hates watery beer as much as I do.

Food suggestion: Muffled hate speech.

Drink this if you like: Being the embodiment of that one word I never say in this blog. Yes. That one.


Hix's Darkside - Oatmeal Stout 7%

I am not a happy bunny but, luckily for Ales By Mail, this is the one that I was looking forward to the most, so much so that I left it to last. I sure do love an oatmeal stout because when it's executed correctly it can be an absolute sensation for the senses. The same goes for the IPA though and look what this brewery has done to those, to call it butchery would be polite.

Things are looking a lot more promising from the off as there is a frothy, stiff, head that pops and bubbles quietly to itself, exuding a pleasing aroma of malt and light hops. It looks about right too, the pour was a bit frisky but considering the last 2 showings I think I can forgive that. The taste is... Well, it's surprising in so much as it is, at least, competent. There's sweet and sour notes battling away in there, on one side there's a thick treacle vein that's having a bit of rough and tumble with a rather interesting marmite element. The body is well rounded with a medium/heavy mouth feel and it leaves a twinge of bitterness on the tongue, suggesting that the marmite element won the battle outright.

This is truly a pleasant surprise because Hix's Darkside has proven to be the most interesting and, therefore, the best of the bunch. There wasn't much in the way of stiff competition, in fact it is somewhat comparable to entering a rabbit in a contest that involves looking like a rabbit when all the other contestants are parrots, snails and goldfish with tags that have "I r rabut" scrawled on them in crayon.

Food suggestion: Cheese toastie. Marmite tasting stout with cheese toastie... Thank me later.

Drink this if you like: When people make amends for war crimes.