Goose Island - Christmas Ale 2012

I don't know what it is but I really root for Goose Island. I know deep down in my heart that there are breweries out there who make more interesting stuff and who are maybe a bit more innovative but there are few who are MUCH more interesting and MUCH more innovative and I can't think of any who are both. I grew up supporting Tottenham Hotspur, a team that would consistently delight and disappoint me in equal measures and even though I know Real Madrid and Bayern Munich are almost definitely better teams, I never switched allegiances, I could always appreciate what they were doing, even marvel at them but if it ever came to a straight fight between them and Tottenham (which almost NEVER happens) then I know who's corner I'm in. That's how I feel about Goose Island, they're my team, I'd buy a replica sports jersey with a goose on it if they sold one and I'd have "Drew's Brew 69" on the back because I'm deeply immature.

What does any of that have to do with this review? Not much apart from making it quite clear that you can't trust it as far as you can throw it (it's inadvisable to throw stuff you read on a computer, it often results in needing a new computer.)

This was partially just an exercise in matching a glass with a bottle for a picture, I wasn't even going to review the beer, it's pretty tough to get it in this country, which means that this would just be a deeply biased review of a beer you probably can't drink. Oh well.

It pours an oaky, dark brown with a finger of head that leaves thick, resilient speckling that you probably couldn't remove, even if you used a chisel and some WD40.  It has that beautiful Christmas Beer smell; booze, fruit cake, raisins, mixed with a little rye bread and malt loaf. It smells as appetising as the idea of crashing a car made of lovely beer into an erotic cake shop with figgy pudding walls.

It really tastes like malt loaf too, it's sweet and smooth whilst being thick and boozy. You know you're drinking a strong beer but it doesn't necessarily taste like a strong beer should, it tastes like something you'd pickle plums in, or something old people would drink to ward off evil spirits in the middle ages. It's thick, gloopy, borderline chewy, and a Christmas meal unto itself. I knew it'd be a good'un! I didn't even need to be obviously biased, you can make of that statement what you will.

Food suggestion: As good with Christmas Lunch/Dinner as it would be with that Boxing Day sandwich, though the latter seems rather decadent... But who cares? It's Christmas!

Drink this if you like: ...Santa?

Beavertown - Smog Rocket

It is baffling that after all this time and especially considering the sheer volume of Beavertown I sell that this is only the SECOND Beavertown review I've ever done. I can only imagine that it was a subconscious decision made purely on the basis that nothing would ever beat Black Betty in my eyes. However, in the interests of broadening my horizons, I've decided I need to step out of that odd little comfort zone and try one of their other WILDLY popular beers. In my time at the shop I have sampled Gamma Ray and 8 Ball, both of which are definitely and defiantly Beavertown styled, but what to make of Smog Rocket? A smoked porter is not a style that lends itself well to refreshing drinkability and massive but balanced hop characteristics, qualities that are abundant in Black Betty, Gamma Ray and 8 Ball.

The pour is slightly more fizzy than I expect a porter to be, maybe this is still in keeping with the B-Town style! There's a pencil thin, off white, head that sits unsteadily on top of a light porter. I say it's light, it's still black, but when you hold it up to the light you can see some come through, throwing around colours like hazy red around the bottom of the glass. The nose is quite deliciously smoky, the same way I'd imagine one would smoke a bar of chocolate, and it's got an underlying fruitiness which borders on the smell of Turkish Delight.

It sure is smoky but in an understated, lingering, way that underpins a malty sweetness, all of which is accentuated by a smooth, silky body that has enough carbonation to make you want to chug it like a dying man in the desert who found a bucket of ice cold Mountain Dew. In amongst all of that there's also a fruity core and a subtly bitter finish.

I already love Beavertown and what they do. I love the beers they make and I like how they roll. I've been to the brewery and there was a guy wearing suspenders... Seemingly without irony!

They don't need me blowing smoke up their respective anal passages because they know they're good, their sales figures should show them as much, and they sure as shi...Shootin' don't need some review to tell them how good their beer is.

End of review!

Food suggestion: All I want, all I can think about, is a bag of dry roasted. That's it. Dry roasted peanuts and about a gallon of Smog Rocket = Happy Drew.

Drink this if you like: The idea of smoked beer. If you're building yourself up to drinking beer like the Aecht Schlenkerla Doppel Bock then this is a great way to get yourself ready!

Meantime - Imperial Pilsner

Maybe the least understood amongst the alcoholically educated, the pilsner is often lumped in with other cheap lagers, given a bad name by those who remember the bad old days where Harp lager was the best thing you could get. Even now there's little to shout about in the English pilsner world. No lager is appealing, no decent English pilsner... exists as far as I can see, and you completely forget anything that even remotely resembles a high percentage pilsner. That's Special Brew territory and nobody drinks that apart from the homeless, vagrants and travelling folk... Or so says the Daily Mail.

They're all still right too because this Imperial Pilsner by Meantime is for export only, which is sad, but I have a bottle, which is AWESOME!

The pour is beautiful and controlled with a 2 finger head that soon whittles away down to a thin foam, leaving light speckling. The aroma is exactly what you'd expect from a good pilsner except there's just more of it. There's a sweet caramel core to the aroma that's surrounded by a light breadiness that is most appealing.

It tastes as light as a beer half its percentage and the light caramel/biscuit sweetness hides the little twinge you get from the alcohol. This is a beautifully well balanced Imperial Pilsner with a nice, thick, mouth feel and a medium carbonation that gives you just a little fizz as you pull away. It is as refined as Lady Penelope but has the same ability to utterly destroy your liver as drinking a bag of rusty hammers. Maybe it is more a case of it being the beauty that brings out the beast because this is certainly not to be sniffed at, especially when you can get it for £8.50 in a 750ml bottle... Which may sound like a lot but consider that you would pay more for 500ml bottles of Evil Twin or Stone... Unless you happen to live in Denmark or America, in which case you probably pay normal prices.

The moral of this story, however, is that some of the great stuff being made in this country is export only and I can only assume that's because the brewery don't think there's a market for it here. I would argue that there's always a market for good beer and this definitely falls under that category.

Food suggestion: Sweet caramel flavours in a pilsner? I think that lends itself well to pork belly! Aw yeah!

Drink this if you like: Sleeping in a gutter, mugging innocents and not paying taxes... According to the Daily Mail.

Stone - Ruination IPA

I get the impression from every Stone bottle I've ever read that I am, in the eyes, of the brewery, a massive waste of blood and guts, a pansy with limp wrists and facial hair that grows pink and eventually turns into cotton candy; that I am a tiny little, pigtailed, girl in a world built for big, masculine, men and that I shouldn't try whatever beer it is because I'll hurt my tongue and I'll go crying to my mum... Whom they later insinuate they had intercourse with. That's EVERY bottle of Stone beer... Except this one, which is polite by comparison. Hushed warnings and mild insults with mere insinuations that the customer bats for the wrong team, but this is my introduction to Stone so I better start with the lighter stuff, eh? Don't get me wrong, I've had Stone before but it's always been from someone else's glass. This bottle's MINE dammit!

The pour is well controlled, cloudy, pale, bordering on an orange hue with an uneven half finger head that sticks around long after. There's mild carbonation but in certain lights it seems to glow, making me think that the secret ingredient at the Stone brewery may well be Uranium. I'm expecting BIG hops from this, but the bottle says 100+ IBU's... Which could easily mean it's 200... Or 1000!!! Where does it end?!

I agree with the people at Stone, if you cannot handle this beer then you should go back to drinking milk, eating cookies and breast feeding because this is indeed a heavily hopped IPA but, like most of the kids in the Breakfast Club,  it's also got other stuff going for it too. There's a smoothness and thickness that I've come to expect from American IPAs, it's that same sensation I had when I first had the Dogfish Head 90 minute IPA, it's a sensation that asks you ONCE whether you wish to continue and then starts pummelling you in the gut like a deranged drill instructor who's just gone through a messy divorce and has lost his meds.

It may sound stupid to say it but when you drink this you can almost smell the brewery, the malt aromas come out when you get close enough to give this beer an enema and they add a whole different dimension to this beer that you don't get with a great many IPAs. A lot concentrate on hops alone when the backbone of any good beer is your malt. Stone seem to understand this, they seem to understand a lot of things, mostly about becoming a kung-fu lumberjack and other such manly endeavours.

Food suggestions: For some reason Americans hate Indian food, a fact that baffles me daily, which means I can't pair this IPA with Indian food as I normally would, but this would go AMAZINGLY with MEXICAN FOOD! AWWWWW YEAH! Spicy meat, side of rice?! It's basically the same thing!!! :D

Drink this if you like: Big hoppy IPAs with a strong malt backbone. Similar to the Dogfish Head 60 and 90 minute IPAs, but for making you feel like a complete dick for giving them money, they're in a league of their own.

Birthday Special! Brooklyn Brewery - Brooklyn Sorachi Ace

How special does a beer have to be for someone who works in beer to have it as a special birthday treat? £15 a bottle special? That's probably a good first step but I have much more personal reasons for drinking this on my birthday. This precise bottle was a gift from my current employer upon signing a contract with him and casting off the shackles of supermarket life. This bottle represents my new found sense of freedom and the beginning of, what is essentially, a new chapter in my life. I may well have picked something fancier, rarer or more expensive as my beer cupboard is stocked to breaking point, the reinforced shelving creaking and bending under the weight of both quantity and quality. However, the sentimental value is what pushed this one into the lead and that's almost exactly why it won't get a bad review, even if it's bad beer... Which it won't be. A lot of people say you have to be completely objective to be a critic. I call shenanigans on that! You know who are completely objective? No-one! Rocks are completely objective, as are trees, water, carbon and the gap in the middle of donuts where more donut could be. We are creatures formed of bias and preconceptions, emotion and favouritism. If this beer stinks, I'll tell you it smells like roses and you'll have to believe me, that's just the way it goes... For today at least.

Anyway, down to the actual beer itself. Brooklyn Sorachi Ace, named for the hop, is a classic, unfiltered Saison that is as lively and excitable as a newly acquired labradoodle pup, with a generously grand head that you'd need a tiny ice cream shovel and a flake to polish off properly. The body is as clear as a crystal lake and as honey hued as a slushie made with liquid gold. The smell is subtle but inviting, hints of spring time country air, flowery and dainty, like marriage prospects in the very early 20th century. The light speckling is encouraging, suggesting that it has been made well by real people but that it won't be a thick, hearty, soup of a beer... Not that that's a bad thing, but you expect Saisons to be crisp and lacking in stodge.

The body is as smooth and as crisp and as drinkable as pure spring water, it is as desirable on a cold evening as it would be if you'd just run a marathon. The flavour grows on the palate, letting you enjoy how smooth and deeply drinkable it is before flowering into a bitter-sweet, zesty-lemon treat. There are little hints of spice every now and then that make you think about what else could be going on in this beer but you need not look beyond the very obvious. This beer is gorgeous, it is addictive and dangerously drinkable. This is a beer you could lose yourself in and the terrifying thing is, unlike wonderland or Narnia, I don't think I'd ever want to be found.

Excellent choice for a birthday beer... And I didn't even have to try and be biased at all!

Food suggestion: The lightness and lemon hints would lead me to think that this would go with any chicken based dish or even served as a dessert beer after or during a BBQ. This is definitely best enjoyed in the sun... Or with a picture of the sun crudely drawn on your wall with crayon.

Drink this if you like: Sunshine, lollipops... Rainbows... *Insert rest of the song here.*

The Rebel Brewing Company - Triple Review!

A set of 7 beers from The Rebel Brewing Company of Penryn, Cornwall came into the shop recently and I snagged 3 to test. I picked the golden ale, the scotch ale and the black lager, because I too am a rebel, and rebels drink beer that doesn't look like how people imagine it should. I feel like a badass today.


Cornish Sunset 4%

A lively beast that better resembles the foam of the seas crashing against Cornish sand than it does a Cornish sunset. The colour is a darker gold, bordering on murky brown and the pour produces a whole load of head, this is one you've got to be a bit patient with, there is a light banana aroma, which (mixed with the VERY lively head) makes me suspect that this may be infected. Not to say I don't like the smell of bananas, but these sure are tell tale signs.

The light banana aroma translates into an equally light banana taste that hits right from the off and slowly peters away. It does have a nice round body and I do get the impression that I've stumbled upon the beerquivalent (beer equivalent) of banana milk. The wheat is very prominent and gives the whole thing a lovely softness. It doesn't taste infected but the tasting notes say this should taste of mandarin and other types of citrus... It very much doesn't.

Not entirely unpleasant but I don't know what they were tasting when they made that label. Whatever it is, I want to try some of that! As it is I have a KINDA decent golden ale, nothing I'd go out of my way to have again but it sure is KINDA decent.

Food Suggestion: Lovely cake or lovely bread, maybe even both... Greedy guts!

Drink this if you like: Well banana bread beer is somewhat close. This could also work as an entry level for wheat beers.


Bullhorn Black Lager 4.9%

Well this seems more like it, maybe we can just chalk the last one up as a spot of bad luck so that we can all get on with our lives. The pour is restrained and gives a pencil thin cola head from its relatively low carbonation. It seems to do what it says on the bottle, completely ignoring the picture of a snail, because it's black and it looks light and refreshing at the same time. A check for presentation, not a check plus, but a check nonetheless.

The smell is interesting, giving off hints of smoked malt and evidence of roasty toastiness. The body is as refreshing and as drinkable as you would expect a black lager to be and it tastes sweet and smooth, with light berry notes at the end and a little bit of roasted malt coming through in the middle and a lingering sweet aftertaste that makes you want to go in for more.

This has definitely made up for the shortcomings of Cornish Sunset. Now I'm a little excited about my last one!

Food suggestion: I love black lagers with Chinese food and this is no exception!

Drink this if you like: Asahi Black.


Eighty Shilling 5%

A dark scotch ale, maybe that'll be the beer that brings it back for Rebel Brewing Co. maybe this 5% dark scotch ale will be a real winner and it'll mean that all of their beers average out to a C or C+. The pour is encouraging, a dark, shadowy character with a strong 2 finger head that isn't afraid to stick around, regardless of how awkward the word HEAD may make you feel.

The smell, however, is a bit lack lustre. I normally expect scotch ales to smash me in the face with a strong whisky aroma, whereas the aroma here is just the lingering thoughts of whisky, the ghost of whiskies past. Maybe it'll taste awesome though, right?

Well, it sure is dark... And that's where their labels stop telling the truth. This is, at best, a watery porter with a slight whisky aroma. At worst, it is the disappointing end to a disappointing run of simply sub-par beers which ranged from mediocre to INFECTED.

A colleague of mine had a different 3 to try and he told me that one of his was quite violently infected. Why would a brewery send infected beer to prospective buyers? Their name seems to be rather appropriate now that I come to think of it, they're rebels against a great deal of things, flavour and proper sterilisation being at the top of the list.

Food suggestion: Don't eat anything with this. Don't drink this. Drink something else.

Drink this if you like: Sadness and when cute puppies die.


(As a side note, of the 3 bottles I had, just over half went down the drain. These guys need to step up and spend a bit more time on their brewing and a little less time making cool labels.)

The Kernel - Pale Ale Amarillo

You sure would think I'd be sick of Kernel Pale Ales by now, wouldn't you? To me that's like saying you're sick of having more than one flavour of ice cream or you're sick of there being more than one type of cute puppy in the entire animal kingdom. You can't have too much of a good thing because, by definition, that would make it a bad thing... And you've already said it's a good thing...

This single hopped Pale Ale pours a lovely light tan with a blonde hue, producing a generous 2-3 finger head (though I was pouring like an idiot tonight, so that can probably come down to 1.5) that leaves light speckling. The aroma is a heady Amarillo assault, but more a bloodless coup than a full on Bay of Pigs type situation. Amarillo really is a special hop, it's instantly recognisable by smell and by taste and can be used all over the place when it comes to brewing. It definitely deserves to be single hopped and I don't think there's a better brewery to do it.

It's as deliciously smooth and refreshing as every other Kernel Pale Ale but this has a much deeper, pine element that swathes in before the light, tingly, bitterness that arrives fashionably late. I could down this in a few seconds, it's got such an inviting aroma and such a deliciously round body that lends itself to those wonderful pine notes as perfectly as Tom lends himself to Jerry's 50's style tomfoolery/ultra-violence.

Another in a long list of Kernel beers that have struck me dumb with beer fuelled excitement.

Food suggestion: This would go great with some fresh fish, most likely salmon but I can see this going with tuna too. In fact, this would go great with sushi! Smash out the sashimi and get some Amarillo on the go! Boom! Winner!

Drink this if you like: The Kernel. Drink this if you like beer in general.

The Kernel - Pale Ale Waimea

A hop I've never heard of from a brewery I have come to trust implicitly in a pale ale, which has never steered me wrong before. Waimea is the grand daughter of Pacific Jade and from Riwaka... Are all these names ringing a bell? Partizan brought out 2 new beers recently with Pac Jade and the Kernel Nelson Sauvin RIWAKA Tomohawk was gorgeous! New Zealand hops seem to be in vogue at the moment but it's definitely for good reason, they seem to produce the cleanest, freshest, hop flavours, providing contrast to the BIG Americans who have cornered the market until recently.

The pour on this beauty is everything you expect from a Kernel beer, it's well behaved, the head leaves speckling and reduces from a finger to a wafer. The body is pale and cloudy with medium fizz running through the gold. It smells like fresh hops, akin to driving past a hop farm with your windows rolled down, it's subtle and fragrant, enchanting and comforting.

It tastes sweet to start but that only lasts a millisecond, after that you get a big punch of grapefruit bitterness, followed by a light honey sweetness, all wrapped up in a neat little package consisting of pure drinkability.

It's no secret that I love The Kernel way of doing things:

Walk in.
Make simple beer the best it can possibly be.
Make it fresh.
Have lunch.
Walk out.

I love it because there's a certain purity to it and you can see that when you drink their beer. This was bottled less than a month ago and I reckon that may have a lot to do with how good it is but I've had Kernel beer that's been coming up to it's Drink By date and it's still been great beer. I doubt this would be much of an exception.

A great beer which is in line with the great pedigree behind it.

Food suggestion: Posh pub grub with this one I reckon. A fancy scotch egg with home made chutney in a lovely gastro pub (though that name is no longer fashionable,) is definitely on the cards for this little beauty.

Drink this if you like: Any and all of the other Kernel Pale Ales.

The Kernel - IPA Mosaic

In the past I have often questioned the idea of single hop beers, the argument being something along the lines of "if less is more, just think how much more MORE will be!" Using one hop was like using one ingredient to make soup.

"Like mushroom," my conscience said, "and tomato... And chicken... And what about French onion?"

At which point I gave up and decided that I'd been an idiot all along. There are a great many hops out there that can stand on their own and hold a beer, Mosaic is a true triple purpose hop, excelling at bittering, flavouring and aroma AND therefore it would seem rather dim NOT to single hop with it.

The pour is a light, cloudy, pale with a finger of head that withers down to cappuccino foam, yet leaves heavy speckling. The aroma is an earthy pine with subtle hoppiness coming through that almost translates into a slightly meaty smell, alluding to something with moderate hop bitterness.  It feels as smooth as Venetian silk and has that little hint  of Simcoe in there, alluding not too subtly to its own heritage. The kick you expect from an IPA waits for you in this beer, letting you enjoy the delicious picnic it set up for you in the park and then ensnaring you in a net it had set up underneath! This is a smooth and cunning beer with depth of flavour, floral elements and satisfying hoppiness.

This is a well balanced IPA, which in some beer circles is a dirty word, but I always seek balance in beer. Balance with interesting qualities that make the beer special, which this has. Top job... Again!

Food suggestion: Sunday Lunch... Chicken edition! This would go brilliantly with the chicken gravy as well as all those lovely roasty veggies! Boom! Another winner on your hands! You're welcome!

Drink this if you like: Any Simcoe based IPA, especially the Weyerbacher Double Simcoe IPA, it's like a mellow version of that with 2% less alcohol... But let's get this in perspective, ok? The Weyerbacher is a Mega-beast that'll rip your face off, this is a lovely hug after a long day.

The Kernel - Nelson Sauvin Riwaka Tomohawk

As part of my job, I drive around London delivering beer to people and sometimes I get to collect it too. The best part of my London excursions is when I do a pick up from The Kernel and there are a couple of reasons for this. At the top of the list is the smell, it's like making the sweetest oatmeal imaginable, bottling that smell, filling a pool with it and then going for a swim until you resemble a prune that's been left out in the sun... But is now wet... Because of the analogy. Second on the list is how cool all the people are and how cool the brewery itself is (it's under a railway arch!) And third is that I occasionally get to see stuff I've never ever seen before... Like this, the Nelson Sauvin Riwaka Tomohawk Pale Ale. I'm sure they've made it before but in my head I'm the spitting image of Marco Polo, right here!

Someone said to me that all Kernel beers taste the same, to which I replied that the taste of AWESOME can never become repetitive. I genuinely believe that these guys don't have a level that dips below FRIKKIN' MEGA BADASS, but I'm sure there's a first time for everything... But from the smell of this super-fresh pale ale, I'm pretty sure today won't be that day. This beer is less than a month old and the hoppy aromas smell as if the hops themselves had just been picked. The body is tantalisingly pale with a light cloudiness that reminds you that, yes, all this jazz is bottle conditioned because that's what real men do, men with beards you could keep a stationary kit in, men who think Krav Maga is a type of sensual massage, men who wake up in the morning and feel the urge to go logging... WITH THEIR BARE ANKLES!

Anyway, this pours a beautiful amber and smells like the hungover breath of a fallen angel. On top of that it tastes clean and crisp to start, moving into a round fruity phase before ending with a slight liquorice and blackberry sweetness. THIS is proper beer! If you're starting a brewery or currently own a brewery that makes gallon after gallon of utter piss, buy some Kernel, drink it, think of happier times when accountants didn't dictate your ingredients and then go back out into the world with a slightly more open mind, open heart and learn to both live and love again. The Kernel has the answers to all of your problems people, as long as those problems consist of questions like "I'm thirsty and I don't know what to drink. What beer tastes like THE TEARS OF GOD?!?!?!"

Food suggestion: I reckon this would go great with a lot of Moroccan cuisine, especially those spicy, fruity, sweet, tagines. It'd also smash the house down with some assorted tapas, maybe some olives, some chorizo and some saucy meat balls. MY FACE HAS TURNED INTO DRIBBLE!

Drink this if you like: All of those things that you currently like. Yes... Those ones.

The Kernel - London Brick

You know what I like about all Kernel beers? The freshness! Even the barrel aged ones that aren't technically fresh still feel fresh! With this I imagine it helps that the bottle I've got now was bottled less than a month ago but nonetheless this still looks and smells like a top quality beer! The pour is friendly, producing a creamy, frog spawn, type head which sticks to the sides of the glass but dissipates in the middle. The nose is deeply aromatic with a light caramel edge fighting its way through a hoppy aroma that you would need a cricket bat to remove from your nostrils for any significant period time after smelling it. The body is a deep, oak, brown with that beautiful crimson hue shining through. I've got a feeling that this is going to be a lovely beer... Though I don't think I've ever had a Kernel beer I didn't like.

It tastes as good as it looks! Smooth as silk and sweet as the honeyed words of an amorous poet, the hops serve as bitter punctuation to this deliciously sweet, comforting and refreshing concoction which, at 6.8%, I could happily drink a big sloppy bucket of. The softness of the body is a little reminiscent of Founders Old Curmudgeon but then there's a hint of Beavertown's 8 Ball in there, it's as if the two had a bastard love child on a night out in Bermondsy. The last Red Rye Ale that had "Brick" in the title I had was Brick Red by Sam Adams and this is in a whole different league, it's just got everything I want from a beer!

This is the kind of beer where I make wild, unrealistic claims, like "I could take a bath in this, wash thoroughly and still drink it afterwards," or "I'd drink this even if it were regurgitated from a mother bird." Maybe I wouldn't do any of those but the thoughts of doing both have not stopped me guzzling down this beauty like a python having a go at a rather wet goat.

Food suggestions: Irish stew! Too bloody right! Lovely gravy and hunks of meat with potatoes and maybe some cheesy mash on the side?! Sounds like some sort of beer atheists heaven!

Drink this if you like: 8 Ball by Beavertown and Founders Old Curmudgeon Ale, as previously stated, are similar in some respects but not so much in others. Drink this if you like the warmth you get from a lovely blanket on a cold evening or watching the sea lap, lazily, against a sandy shore... Poetry!

The Kernel - IPA Black

Have I mentioned recently how the Black IPA is my favourite style of beer? No? Well it is! Leading the way in the "Drew's favourite Black IPA (and therefore probably Drew's favourite beer (though we can never really tell because that dude is changeable as a chameleons gas,))" is Black Betty by Beavertown and "Scanner Darkly" the collaboration between The Kernel and Brodies. How will Kernel's efforts alone fare?

Hint: I've had it before, I really like it... But don't let that ruin the rest of the review.

It pours a lively pitch black with a big, bubbly head that may well spill over if you're not particularly careful... Which I wasn't. The aroma has hints of coffee (but they are only hints) and the hop tones are very light and subtle, giving way to a sugary, sweet shop smell that you can't help but be lured in by. The other important thing with The Kernel is to have their beer fresh, I had 2 bottles of Mosaic from them a while ago. I drank 1 straight away and left the other for nearly a month. The difference was subtle but noticeable, not in a bad way, it's just that it felt like a slightly different beer. They do like to push the ideals of drinking fresh, which is quite right! The fresh hop aromas and tastes I've got from some of their beers have been astounding as well as being something I've not experienced from many other breweries, precious few of which have been in this country.

Anyway! Black IPA! I believe a good black IPA should still, in essence, taste like an IPA, with a big hop profile, a refreshing body, no hint of creaminess or thickness or stodginess at all. They should be balanced but impressive. The Kernel's black IPA does this. It has the hop character there with its lingering bitterness that gut-punches you if you chug at it but on the surface there is a sweetness that reminds me of a good cup of coffee with a couple of sugars in it, which is pleasant, but if it stuck around for too long then this would just be a porter and not a black IPA.

This is, indeed, a solid Black IPA and at 6.5% it can be sessioned if you're a super-hardcore beast of a man/woman but is probably best utilised as an after work drink. The question remains though, is this better than Black Betty and Scanner Darkly? Well yes and no, it does different things! This has more roasty toastyness to it whilst retaining a hoppy demeanour whilst Black Betty is full on hops and Scanner is a big Black IPA with big hits of both. It depends what you like. I like all of them...

Food suggestion: Black forest gateaux. I could eat a whole one. Just get me a shovel and avert your eyes... This could get weird.

Drink this if you like: Any of the Black IPAs out there at the moment, if you're into that you'll be in this.

Canterbury Brewery - Seriously Saison (Simcoe Dry Hopped)

It's hard not to like what these guys are doing, completely disregarding the fact that this beer is as pale and inviting as a welcome mat in the shape of Helena Bonham Carter, there is still a long list of easily quaffable beers coming out of The Foundry on top of some slightly more specialist stuff. I told the guys that there are a lot of breweries in Kent but none of them are doing what they're doing, none of them are making the kind of innovative stuff that they are. Gadds and Hopdaemon make some pleasant beer but I've never seen a barrel aged stout from either, I've never seen a pumpkin beer from them, I've never seen a Russian imperial stout from Whitstable Brewery and I doubt I'll even see a Chocolate Vanilla Porter from Goachers. The only brewery who are coming anywhere even remotely close to what Canterbury Brewers are doing are Old Dairy Brewery but when they try to innovate they can be a bit hit and miss.

It is with this in mind that I crack open this pale, spritzy, beauty. Maybe it's not as pale as some saisons but the saison style is very tough to define. The pour is easy to control, leaving a wafer thin head that sticks around for the duration. Of the 3 versions available to me (Simcoe, Centennial and East Kent Goldings,) I decided to go with the Simcoe dry hop and I'm glad I did because the trade mark Simcoe smell is present, the one that smells like a mix between sweets and medicine. It's not overpowering but it is active enough to be deeply satisfying.

The body is deeply drinkable, retaining a smooth refreshing quality that I've come to expect from ALL saisons. The Simcoe runs riot in this, throwing around bitterness and sweetness, sometimes covering the base hops, sometimes showcasing them. There's a lot going on at once and every mouth full seems to be different. At first the Simcoe gut punches you but now I'm tasting grapefruit bitterness, all the while enjoying the bubbles effervesce on my lip like sea foam lapping at the shore.

The first ever saison I had was Foodball by Mikkeller and it was WAY too weird for my liking and it put me off the whole idea of saisons for the longest time but they're really growing on me now. Ever since the revelations of the Grisette range by Partizan and finally getting my hands on Saison Dupont, I've been a changed man. There's no messing around with this, there's no black pepper and orange peel, there's no crushed dung beetle or horse eyelashes in this and it works well for it.

Simply a delicious beer, best had on a hot summers day or, at least, in a hot room that's suffering the brunt of faulty central heating.

Food Suggestion: It may be some sort of racial thing because I do happen to be a little Asian but I'd love to have a bottle of this and a big platter of Sushi. This needs to be sold at Yo Sushi! I would be such a happy man!

Drink this if you like: I feel odd saying it but if you like Black Betty by Beavertown and fancied something on the lighter side then you may well enjoy this. Though this may well not be the case for the EKG and Centennial versions.

Canterbury Brewery - Scrumpkin

Ever drink unlabelled pumpkin beer out of a DeMolen goblet? No? Sucks to be you, huh?! I'm rolling old school like some sort of Jack Skellington pumpkin pimp! Does it surprise you to find out that this is my first EVER pumpkin beer? Yup, that's right, I'm a pump-vir-beer-kin-gin but as I sniff at this mahogany hued temptress I have to wonder what I've been doing with my time. Drinking normal person beer for normal person people? Ridiculous!

This smells like the kind of christmas cake that you can actually tolerate after a 12 course turkey based face pounding. The kind of cake that's so good that you'd risk walking that thin line between "ok" and "...Now I've fallen asleep and woken up covered in my own sick." There's a delicious spicy core running through the aroma that makes me want to take up stock brokering, instantly retire and buy tartan slippers.

The mouth feel is ghostly but not haunting, it's there but you can't feel it, which is dangerous when the beer itself tastes so deliciously sweet and spiced, like a delicious mince pie or the concept of tonsil hockey under mistletoe. Whatever it is, it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy, even when it's cold, which is perfect for this time of year. It is a shame that pumpkin beer is considered to be seasonal because I'd drink this by the pool on a hot sunny day in July.

It's hard to fault the boys at The Foundry because they're just so passionate about making good beer and making stuff that people may not have tried before. The only other pumpkin beer I've been exposed to is Stingy Jack by Beavertown (review pending) but I've not seen anything from any other UK based craft brewers. Brave move and it's paid off!

Food Suggestion: Turkey dinner! Stuffing, cranberry sauce, red cabbage and those little sausage things wrapped in bacon! Boom!

Drink this if you like: Blankets and darkness before 6pm.

Canterbury Brewery - Canterbury Lager

I sit here drinking a beer that was made around 5 to 10 yards away from where I work. There isn't a road between us, nor is there a path, nor doors, just a jerry rigged metal fence that's been tied to a support strut for when I'm not around. I'm talking about Canterbury Brewers, the guys from The Foundry Brew Pub just off the high street in Canterbury. We share the same warehouse, you see? It was, however, when I was taking a leisurely lunch break at The Foundry that I discovered Cantrbury lager. Now you all know how much I do love GOOD lager, and you all know how I'm so terribly depressed that there isn't enough good, bottle/cask conditioned lager around, nevermind local stuff. Well, it was when I was tucking into a BBQ pulled pork sandwich that was as BIG AS MY FREAKIN' FACE that I found Canterbury lager. All I wanted was a pint that I didn't mind leaving a third of if I had to rush back. I had to rush back in the end but I didn't want to leave a partially full glass behind. I told the guys when I saw them next and they gave me a bottle conditioned version to see what I thought.

Well I know there's a market for this, Curious Brew has shown us that people will go for local lager regardless of where it ACTUALLY comes from. I thought Canterbury lager was on a par with Curious on tap, but how do they compare in the bottle?

On the nose Canterbury is sweet and honeyed, just as you'd expect a good lager to be. It has a pencil thin head that sticks around and leaves light speckling which sits atop a hazy and slightly darker amber hued pool of effervesence. It tastes deeply refreshing, starting with sweet honeyed notes and finishing with a hoppy, bitter, kick. The body itself is light and aides with the perfectly refreshing nature of the drink. It's got flavour, it's got heart, and that's all because it's not simply a lager but a hefty, deep, ale that has simply been given lager yeast.

The yeast is the most important thing, they tell me, and after having tried a lot of their beers it is hard to question their logic.

The only thing that could be improved is the presentation. It's the same problem I had with Wainwrights. The beer tastes fresh and interesting, it tastes like it should be shooting for a younger crowd, a more savvy and experimental crowd or maybe just tourists who want local lager. When given the choice between the sleek Curious bottle and the simple Canterbury bottle your average consumer will go for the fancy one, completely forgetting that you should never judge a book by its cover. All that matters is taste and bottled Canterbury Lager beats the pants off bottled Curious Brew, they just need to sex up their bottle a bit and they'd be all set.

Food suggestion: A refreshing lager with honey notes and a bitter finish?! You know what I'm going to say, right? Bratwurst, Sauerkraut, mash and gravy... And a massive pretzel! (I wrote this during Oktoberfest.)

Drink this if you like: Curious Brew I guess, it's also similar to the Sam Smiths lager and edging towards the Brooklyn lager too.  

Chang

The last in my mini-series of Asian beers courtesy of a family trip to Wing Yip in Croydon (it's like going to the beach for us except it's not full of awful sand and people all the misshapen people are wearing clothes,) is Chang, another honey hued amber lager type deal with a biscuity aroma and half a finger of head that disappears the moment you pour it. I'm starting to get the impression that a lot of these mass-produced Asian beers have similar profiles, the same way identical twins have similar profiles... And eye colours... And parents.

I'll make my predictions now before I taste the beer to see if my theory is correct. I are right good at science I am! I predict that this will be biscuity and refreshing whilst being crisp and easily drinkable with a medium mouth feel and little to no hint of hops.

I was right! Almost! There's a little kick of liquorice behind all of those things, which isn't unpleasant but it's not really enough to separate Chang from the herd.

I guess the lesson here is that if you want a cool, refreshing, sweet beer that is specifically from Asia then you might as well close your eyes and pick one at random because they all have the same profiles but with slightly different tweaks.

Food Suggestion: It has a similar sweetness that you'd find in a wheat beer so this would go well with any fish dish.

Drink this if you like: Repetition.

Kirin Ichiban

I do like the Japanese mentality towards beer, they push the ideals of purity and flavour over anything else, which is an ideal that has worked well for them. Asahi has broken the market and there is now moving influence from big Asian brands like Singha and Chang but the problem I find with all of them is that even though they are all crisp and bone dry lagers, they all tend to taste a little similar. So does Kirin Ichiban have what it takes to step away from the crowd and WOW me with scintillating hop profiles and cushion soft maltiness?

Well the pour is pleasant enough, a frisky single finger head soon dissipates to leave you with a beer that is a much darker amber than many others you'll see come out of Japan. The smell is of fresh grain, nothing fancy but it's definitely doing what it's said it's going to do and I'm warming to them slightly simply for not lying to me. The taste is crisp, sweet and biscuity at first before having a little rasp of bitterness in the background, on second taste the biscuit notes start to mix with the bitterness to create a dark berry taste which is intensely comforting and when you mix that with a body that seems custom made for refreshment, it looks like you're onto a winner.

Kirin Ichiban is definitely more interesting than I thought it was going to be which certainly teaches me not to judge a beer by its bottle. I've noticed you can find this on tap in trendy bars especially in places like Brighton and the unbearably cutting edge parts of London (you know the ones I mean, the ones with all those people who wear glasses with no lenses and cardigans in summer.) I remember having this on draught and being disappointed, this may well have changed but if you do have it on draught then make sure you do so whilst surrounded by drunk businessmen doing karaoke and not by a bunch of hipsters doing an ironic top 10 list of the best Morrissey hair cuts (there's just one.)

Food Suggestion: This seems like an all rounder, you could have this as easily with fish and chips as you could with sashimi. I look forward to mixing it up with all sorts of jazz to see what fits though I suspect that this could quite easily go better with a sweet than with anything savoury.

Drink this if you like: This is close to Singha but it isn't a million miles away from things like Pilsner Urquell and Budweiser Budvar.

Sapporo - Premium Lager

This is the big one, this is the one that I would imagine is the most widely recognised Japanese beer out there. Asahi and Kirin Ichiban are massive as well but neither of those own their own brewery in the states, neither of those get seemingly consistent product placement spots in American TV shows. Though Asahi heads the sales tables in Japan, as far as the rest of the world is concerned Sapporo is the big dog of Japanese beer.

It's easy to see why people like it, it has a smooth but slightly burnt treacle smell and a biscuit crispness that is in line with its competitor Kirin Ichiban. It is as smooth and as refreshing as any other beer from Japan and has similar character though it does miss a little of that aftershock that Kirin has but that can work either for or against it. I can see people going for the single dimensional sweetness with the biscuit undertones and only very soft bitterness but I'm not entirely sure what the Japanese market wants from its beer. From what I've seen it seems that they love their lagers and they love using rice, both of which make complete sense for where they are and what they've historically been used to.

Like Asahi and Kirin Ichiban, Sapporo is a mild, smooth, sweet, likeable lager that generally only works on the one level but that seems to be what they're intended for, which is fine. Supreme refreshment can be found from the Japan 3 (as I will now call them,) which one you prefer is entirely up to the subtlety of your palate and the strength of your sweet tooth.

Food Suggestion: Old school pub snacks like crisps and pork scratchings though, if you're feeling fancy, then some wasabi peas wouldn't be completely out of the question.

Drink this if you like: Asahi or Kirin Ichiban... It's the Japan 3, yo!

Maui Brewing Co. - Coconut Porter

Is this the first beer out of a can I've ever had? No. Is it the first beer out of a can that's cost me more than a fiver? It sure is buddy! Now why would I do that? Why would I go the extra mile for Maui Brewing Co.? Well it just seems to me that they're pushing the boat out a little bit more than some, they're coming up with interesting concepts and they're not scared of people not liking what they do. I get the impression that these guys are uncompromising and, if the opportunity arose, could probably take you down in a fight... Take you down to Hawaiian China Town!

Coconut porter pours as smoothly and as coal black as a Porter should be with a pencil thin head and low-medium carbonation. The aroma is heavy on the coffee but there's a little hint of that much ballyhooed coconut coming through the background, not fresh coconut but the dessicated stuff you find in cakes or in chocolates, which is probably smart because I'm not sure fresh coconut would've survived the brewing process.

There's a big smack of coffee up front, that's the opening gambit, but then it opens up and flowers into filigree of coconut, something that I have never EVER tasted in a beer before. What a lovely surprise! Maybe it's not a surprise that this tastes like coconut, because that's what it said it would do, more a surprise that it said it was going to taste like coconut and then it actually delivered. I like Maui now, they are brewers of their word.

The slick and smooth body helps you along with that chewy coconut after taste, occasionally giving you a little fizz half way through, which is a pleasant reminder that you are, in fact, still drinking beer.

What an innovative and extremely enjoyable creation. What a great introduction to Maui Brewing Co.!

Food Suggestion: If there's one thing I know that coffee and coconut both go with, it's got to be chocolate. Whatever delivery system you prefer, milk or dark (white isn't real chocolate.) Bars or melted and dipped at with marshmallows, it's your choice.

Drink this if you like: Porters I guess but this is unique amongst the breed. You'll get some who will add flavours but coconut is really thinking outside the box. I guess you could compare this to drinking Fullers London Porter whilst eating a Bounty bar.

Redchurch Brewery - Hackney Gold

One of the core breweries in London's craft revolution, if maybe not as well known as breweries like The Kernel, Redchurch Brewery come storming out of the blocks with a bunch of beers that look to be their main stays for the foreseeable future. Their site certainly talks the talk for them as far as saying they value depth of flavour and quality as well as mentioning that they do not filter or pasteurise, something that (hopefully) will become so common that it won't even need to be said anymore. I liked the bottles the first time I saw them, they're simple and no-nonsense, they say what type of beer it is and then there's a borough of London before it. It's not exactly Monet, it's not even Manet, but it doesn't have to be.  I want the contents of the bottle to be the masterpiece.

So here I sit with Hackney Gold, a beer I recommended to a customer without even trying it. The customer, who would only drink lager, is now converted and will often come back for a bottle of Gold. I'd accidentally stumbled upon something brilliant, something that's very easy to do at the Bottle Shop (Goods Shed, next to Canterbury West station.)

The nose is nicely hoppy, just a little, defined, waft as opposed to a direct kick up the nasal passage, there's a hint of red fruit lurking in the background as well, which is rather pleasant. The colour is a dark amber with a pencil thin head that retains well, the pour is satisfying and it has medium carbonation.

It is roundly bitter on the palate, engulfing your taste buds like a forest fire before putting itself out, there is a fruity background again but you have to draw deep from the well to bring that around. Even though it is quite punchy with its bitterness, it remains smooth with a medium mouth feel, which is what makes this the stand up beer I expected it to be.

I look forward to seeing what Redchurch Brewery can bring in the future.

Food suggestion: This has the bitterness of a traditional IPA and, therefore, would got great with a dry or rice based curry.

Drink this if you like: Meantime IPA is identical, I guess what you want will depend on what is closer to hand at the time.

Orval

I instantly regret my glass decision. I should've gone with a tulip... I just haven't had a good beer in my new Cheers glass and I wanted to break the curse. I knew, because my Belgian beer scout Kim said it was her husband's favourite, that this would be the one to break that duck. As expected the pour is typically Belgian, there's a ton of head that leaves heavy speckling and high carbonation, neither of which ever get out of control if you're careful, though even when cold this beer can be a handful so be careful! The colour is the exact hazy brown that a pine furniture warehouse would be if you put it through the biggest smoothie maker in the world.

The nose is sweet and spicy, thick and faintly floral with a background of violently citrus hops, I knew this was going to be a fun one from the pour but the aroma has pretty much sold me on this too. Even if the taste lets me down (which I doubt it will,) then this review will almost definitely still be glowing and positive. I'm not entirely sure if that's fair but if you could smell what I'm smelling right now then I don't think you'd be complaining.

The taste is... Deeply interesting, surprisingly fresh whilst being well rounded and a veritable chugging beer. The first sip is a characteristically saison style zing, sharp as the knives of the legion of lemon assassins, but then it settles into a round and warming glow which gives me the impression that this beer has just punched me, hugged me and then dared me to let it do it again. Everyone needs friends like Orval.

What a delicious beer. This has just got it all, especially if you like things that are round and sharp... Like hedgehogs.

Food suggestions: Nothing too mad, I'd settle for the fancy bread they bring out in posh restaurants that they claim is free. Some places have olive oil and balsamic vinegar, some have butter and rock salt, either will work as long as there's some lovely crusty bread to go with it.

Drink this if you like: Hedgehogs... Did you not read the rest of the review?

Boathouse Brewery - Discworld Ales

Before I even crack the cap on the first bottle from this well presented 4 pack I got for Christmas (from my lovely girlfriend,) I know that this review is probably not going to end well. There are few things I love more than beer, in fact there is NOTHING I love more than beer but there are things that are on a par with beer. Discworld is not one of those things but it is much higher on my list of priorities than vegetables, finger boarding, studying ancient Roman mythology
and bathing. If I may sum it up, I love the inspiration for the beer but if I don't love the beer then I'm going to be SUPREMELY vexed. There's no reason why they shouldn't be good but I've just repeated the Trooper review but with a subject that's much closer to my heart. Why do I do these things to myself? I could've just chugged them down quietly in a poorly lit room, but no, I must broadcast my thoughts to the world.

Damn my natural showmanship!


Modo's Midden - Golden Ale 4.5%

Ever had beer made by a dwarf that didn't really exist? Me neither... Except that one time... Though even then he was more of a midget than a dwarf. Regardless of previous experience, this is a beer review and I'm here to a) Drink b) Drink some more c) Rip out the awesome beat boxing skills that I think I have after 4 pints (which I totally do,) and d) Do some writing maybe.

Modo's Midden pours a nice, inviting, slightly darker golden colour with a generous 2 finger head and medium carbonation. On the nose it's sweet and floral with woody tones, all of which combines to make this, aesthetically at least, an appealing beverage. On a side note, I do rather like the little story they've written on the back that's somewhat in the style of Pratchett. I wonder whether the great man himself had any say in the descriptions... Or whether he knows about these beers at all, the Discworld Ales site doesn't seem to want to make that fact particularly obvious. Let's just assume he does and that he loves them.

The taste is well rounded with floral honey and malt sweetness running through the core and a light lemon aura. Bitterness starts to build as you drink more but it never pushes to the point that it overtakes and becomes the star, which somewhat suits this beer. It looks like fizzy caramel and tastes close to what I imagine butter beer would taste like. I know I shouldn't mix canon and that no-one asked Harry Potter to crash this party but it's true, that sweet roundness makes Modo's Midden dangerously drinkable. The label says that it makes you want to keep drinking and it wasn't joking. This is a well made, smooth tasting, nicely balanced beer that, though not the most challenging beer in the world, is at least interesting enough to justify a heavy session.

It may help that it hasn't been filtered, this bottle has some sediment which just shows me that it's real beer made by a real person. If that's not the case than that's one hell of a dwarven machine.

Food suggestion: Caramel pork belly or a honey glazed ham or sweet gammon, pineapple, egg and chips. Definitely some sort of sticky sweet pork

Drink this if you like: Dwarves and gardening... There is a story in that but you'll have to buy the bottle to find out.


Bugarup Blonde - Fourecks IPA 4%

Strewth! If it ain't a beer based on my favourite island on the disc, Fourecks (essentially Australia,) it's my favourite because it was the island in the first Discworld book I ever read: The Last Continent, I didn't start at the beginning... I don't play by your rules! The fact that this beer is also attributed to a Bill RINCEWIND means that this beer has twice as much to prove because if you're going to reference my favourite island and my favourite character than you best make this beer the BEST BLOODY BEER IN THE WORLD! ... Cobber.

Wow this is a really pale ale. I know it's an IPA, a Fourecks IPA to be exact, but that's an IPA with the P in bold and underlined. I've seen tap water darker than this beer, though that's mostly because we had rusty pipes at university. This is the same hue as most pilsners and it has the wispy head of an imperial stout. I really don't know what to expect from this, I can't just go to my standard well of adjectives when describing this because it just seems odd.

The hop aroma is a real creeper, it doesn't assault you like some do but it edges towards your nostrils, in a peculiar way it reminds me of the smell of nettles in the summer. There's a hint of the wheat field, a hint of summer, those odd nettles and I'm stumped by the smell. I'm really hoping that all adds up to it being a barn storming beer because right now it just looks like lager.

It tastes pleasant enough, opening with sour berries and ending with a light bitterness. It has a medium to heavy mouth feel and overall it's not a bad beer but there's something in there that's somewhat cloying and it seems to be hanging around a lot longer than I would have liked. Maybe it wasn't nettles I was smelling, it was the hot odour of all those horrid spores that get stuck to your clothes.

I'll drink the rest but I can and WILL sulk whilst doing so. I'm so horrifically disappointed by this one, it had references to my favourites and it limped into the blocks with a broken leg and left with the merciful sound of a shotgun firing.

It's not bad but it is fiercely average.

Food suggestion: The tears of extreme disappointment.

Drink this if you like: Seeing a grown man drink beer in the style of a 5 year old who just got an encyclopaedia for Christmas.


Bledlow's Silence - IPA 5.5%

I like the story behind this, I enjoy all the cloak and dagger, I like the throwback to the boathouse brewery having to bribe the Unseen University's crack team of porters. I really think they've missed a trick here though. The story is great, it's cheeky and cunning but wouldn't it have made much more sense for a beer named after porters to be a porter? You know... That style of beer that actually exists and would've been absolutely perfect? Maybe it was a bit too obvious and the people at Boathouse (Ales By Mail, I've just found out are the ones that produce this) Brewery and they'd already passed it up, opting for the exceptionally less obvious IPA. It's a bold move, I just hope the beer stands up on its own because that last one left me in a real funk, not a Soul Music kind of funk, the kind of funk that pushes regular beer critics into Going Postal.

The pour is rather underwhelming, producing a nice dark amber but with almost no carbonation and an extremely light soap bubble head that evaporates almost instantly. I shouldn't drink with my eyes but it's hard not to when what I'm looking at has decided to stand out so much by making a point of not standing out at all... Which I guess fits in with their whole back story. Aromatic and hoppy on the nose but I've definitely smelt much more enthusiastic IPAs, this almost seems scared of being consumed.

It tastes watery and the hops are as weak as most of my similes. To be kind I will describe this as refreshing... The same way that WATER is refreshing! It tastes like slightly bitter water! What the sh*t is this?! HOW F***ING DARE YOU SULLY THE NAME OF TERRY PRATCHETT WITH THIS UTTER SH*T!

This review is over. A dull beer that should never EVER even be mentioned in the same breath as someone like Terry Pratchett. What a f***ing disgrace! I hope Mr. Pratchett hates watery beer as much as I do.

Food suggestion: Muffled hate speech.

Drink this if you like: Being the embodiment of that one word I never say in this blog. Yes. That one.


Hix's Darkside - Oatmeal Stout 7%

I am not a happy bunny but, luckily for Ales By Mail, this is the one that I was looking forward to the most, so much so that I left it to last. I sure do love an oatmeal stout because when it's executed correctly it can be an absolute sensation for the senses. The same goes for the IPA though and look what this brewery has done to those, to call it butchery would be polite.

Things are looking a lot more promising from the off as there is a frothy, stiff, head that pops and bubbles quietly to itself, exuding a pleasing aroma of malt and light hops. It looks about right too, the pour was a bit frisky but considering the last 2 showings I think I can forgive that. The taste is... Well, it's surprising in so much as it is, at least, competent. There's sweet and sour notes battling away in there, on one side there's a thick treacle vein that's having a bit of rough and tumble with a rather interesting marmite element. The body is well rounded with a medium/heavy mouth feel and it leaves a twinge of bitterness on the tongue, suggesting that the marmite element won the battle outright.

This is truly a pleasant surprise because Hix's Darkside has proven to be the most interesting and, therefore, the best of the bunch. There wasn't much in the way of stiff competition, in fact it is somewhat comparable to entering a rabbit in a contest that involves looking like a rabbit when all the other contestants are parrots, snails and goldfish with tags that have "I r rabut" scrawled on them in crayon.

Food suggestion: Cheese toastie. Marmite tasting stout with cheese toastie... Thank me later.

Drink this if you like: When people make amends for war crimes.

Founders - Old Curmudgeon Ale

I've not previously experienced anything by Founders but the moment you pop the cap of Old Curmudgeon is the moment you fall in love with them. The aroma is so deeply intrusive that you must momentarily consider getting a restraining order only to instantly forget it because the aroma itself is so ridiculously appealing! Cereal and cocoa on the nose make this, dark, molasses hued, ale give the impression that you're about to tuck into a bowl coco pops, or krave, or whatever chocolate cereal is readily available in the country you're reading this in. I want EVERYTHING EVER to smell like this! I want a Founders Old Curmudgeon air freshener in my car and an aerosol in my toilet, I want Old Curmudgeon soap and I want Old Curmudgeon plushies, which would look like the sour old gent on the label but they would be filled with chocolate and cereal smelling chemicals which would make children, teenage girls and alcoholics want to hug it until its eyes popped from its sockets, until the smell ran dry and until people decided to stop loving it because it had no eyes and smelt like the inappropriate love that occurs between an alcoholic and a doll.

This is all well and good, but can it back up the smell with flavour?

In a word... Iwanttocryalittle... It's like a delicious, malty, hug from someone warm and not hideously unattractive. There is a hint of chocolate in the background but this is a smooth, malt heavy, ale with a medium mouth feel, a round body and an underlying sweetness that occasionally gets interupted by a little tang of hop bitterness, but never for too long.

Did I mention that this warming hug of a beer, this beer that has no trace of malice or aggression in its bones, is a whopping 9.8%? This doesn't just taste like it's low alcohol, this tastes like it's NO alcohol. This tastes like a chilled Starbucks choco-concoction or a comforting malt drink with a bag of cocoa nibs in it. It does NOT taste like it should be 0.8% higher alcohol content than Special Brew!

This is maybe the best malt heavy beer I've had to date and it's going to be intensely hard to beat. This is as satisfying as drinking a turbo-booze-fuelled chocolate milk. What a gloriously comforting and provocative beer!

Food suggestions: Cookies. Warm cookies, straight out of the oven. Don't burn your hands... Or your face.

Drink this if you like: Choklat by Southern Tier is a chocolate stout that is REALLY a chocolate stout in so much as it ACTUALLY tastes like chocolate. It was, however, a little bit of a chore after a while. This is a much subtler, much easier, not advertising itself as being related to chocolate, version that is just as satisfying as Choklat.

Siren - Liquid Mistress

Have I mentioned that I now work for The Bottle Shop? You remember, right? That shop that I always plug on account of all the amazing beer they sell? No? Well, to cut a long story short, I quit my old job that mostly concerned the repositioning of crates of vegetables and accepted a position where I got to share beery love with the beautiful people of Canterbury... And beyond.

This is a beer review though and what better beer to review than one that has, in my 2 shifts in the shop, become one of the quickest selling beers we have. Liquid Mistress by Siren Craft Brew, a 5.8% Red IPA is joined by Undercurrent, Soundwave and Broken Dreams in the Bottle Shop line up, but this is the one that really caught my eye. People in the shop have raved about Siren and I needed to get myself up to speed!

The pour is satisfying, there are 2 fingers of head that leave heavy speckling that rests unevenly atop a body that looks black to the naked eye but turns a crusted blood red when held up to the light. The aroma is intoxicating! Heavy dollops of Turkish delight meet and then make vigorous love to your nostrils upon first, second, third and fourth sniff. I couldn't keep going, I had to stop for a cigarette. On top of that I didn't want to get too shagged out before I actually drank it. What a smell! How does that even happen?! The smell is not just inviting but it's inviting the same way a drunken "booty call" text is inviting.

There's still the chance that this could be all mouth and no trousers. Let's see what it tastes like.

Nope, precisely no chance of this being disappointing at all. The flavour comes in stages, starting with sweet malt, heading into a middle core that's sharply bitter and ending with a mellow hoppy roundness, which mixed with the smell, makes the whole thing taste exactly like Turkish delight. I imagine what they've probably done is brewed this with a whole ton of rose water (they probably didn't) and if that's the case then I applaud them (I applaud them anyway) because that's a bold move and this is absolutely delicious (it's still delicious even if that isn't what they did.) Liquid Mistress is a deeply sexual experience for the average beer geek and just a regulation pleasant experience for everyone else... Non-beer geeks don't know what they're missing...

Food suggestion: The Germans once had liquid bread. This is one component of a liquid sweet shop. You don't need anything else!

Drink this if you like: Freakin' Turkish delight! How many times do I have to say it?!

Einstok - Icelandic Toasted Porter

As if to remind you where they're from, it seems that they like putting the fact that they're Icelandic on the bottle... Which is probably a good thing if I'm completely honest because, before today, I'd never had an Icelandic beer before, and shame on me for never thinking of drinking an Icelandic beer before! It turns out that they're actually pretty good at this kind of thing, especially if the Icelandic Pale Ale is anything to go by... Which it is. It could just be a fluke but I don't think it will be because when I smelt this beer I made a face that was half shock, half awe and half awful maths. The roasty toasty aromas that come out of this beer remind me of camp fires at scouts and though I was awful at cooking things at scouts, I still made a delicious (somewhat burnt) mess that tasted of pain, suffering, bananas and chocolate buttons. The beer itself seems quite unassuming, what with its meagre head that, at best, can be described as "wispy," but I've made the mistake of judging a beer by its head before (not a commonly used phrase, I'm sure it'll catch on,) and I can vouch for that being a mighty error of judgement.

I always think that a good porter or stout should be as thick and/or as dark as crude oil and this definitely fits the bill because though it doesn't seem thick as such, it is certainly dark. I held it up to the light and it was the same colour and shade as it was when it was sitting on my desk, pitch black. I suspect these Icelandic brewers may have discovered a way to manufacture dark matter...

There's a BIG hit of dark chocolate and roasted coffee when you taste this, which is coupled with a medium mouth feel and light carbonation. I do enjoy a coffee porter and this is definitely a good example but they've gone a step further, they've given us a roasted coffee porter that's as smooth as silk, hits 6% and delivers like a postman with severe OCD.

It's hard not to feel classy with this beer, though that may be helped by my (frankly) stunning laziness when picking the glass, which went something along the lines of, "uh, I could just rinse the one I just used... Deal!" What I get, though, is the impression that I'm doing what only a small number of people on this planet have done and that's drink Icelandic roasted coffee flavour booze from a tiny brandy glass and then write about it at length.

I feel like some sort of yuppie Viking... I didn't say I didn't like it.

Food Suggestion: They probably won't thank me for this but all I can think about eating are Danish butter cookies. That smooth, roasted coffee flavour is just screaming for something sweet and buttery to go with it. It was a choice between that and sponge cake... And I'd never pair a porter with a sponge cake, I'm not mad!

Drink this if you like: Nils Oscar - Coffee Porter, another delicious and smooth coffee porter with big flavours. Einstok might have the edge by putting that roasted flavour in there but the 2 beers are comparable.

Einstok - Icelandic Pale Ale

What if Woodstock happened in Iceland? What if Woodstock was actually not a festival and actually a brewery? What then, huh? What then? Nothing... Because that doesn't make any sense. Iceland seem to make their beer the way they make their pop icons. Fluffy. The pour on this IPA (ICELANDIC! NOT INDIAN!) is deeply satisfying with a good 2 fingers of head from even the most careful of pours. The body is a crystal clear dark amber that reminds me of all my favourite marbles from my precarious youth. The aroma is lightly hoppy, edging on the citrus side but it's not massively loud or overtly impressive in the nasal department, which is fine, in fact I'm slightly more suspicious of it now. They say that "it's always the quiet ones," though I often tend to find that it's almost always the loud violent ones that do the loud and violent things that are loud and violent.

It feels smooth with a medium mouth feel that compliments the notes of raisin, toffee, malt and bread. There's a little sting of bitterness if you take a big gulp of the stuff and there's a warm sensation a couple of seconds after you drink it. There's heavy speckling that sticks to the side of the glass like a limpet and follows the the glass as you tip. You could sip at this like a refined gent/lady about town and have a truly pleasant experience or you could chuck this down you and feel the full force of this particularly well crafted Icelandic pale ale. Both choices are good choices because either way you get a lovely, warming, beer that would be perfect in those colder winter months.

Food suggestion: Pork products! All of the pork products! I'd be happy having this beer with a pork chop and apple sauce or with bacon pancakes... Yup, I'd totally drink this with breakfast.

Drink this if you like: Kill Your Darlings by Thornbridge is a close one though KYD is ever so slightly more extreme than Einstok IPA. You get all those toffee, raisin, malty, bready flavours but you just get a whole lot more of them. Which you prefer depends on whether you like to be offered flavour on a silver platter or whether you prefer to be pistol whipped with it.

Robinsons Brewery - Trooper

As Less Than Jake once observed: All my friends are metalheads, which is good because I loves me some metals but it does mostly mean that if I give this beer a bad or even an indifferent review then I might find myself Caught in a Mosh or on the end of between One and Six Hundred and Sixty Six lashes. It's enough to drive a guy Psychosocial or make them just Run to the Hills...

Ok, enough of me trying to ram as many metal track names in as I can. This is a beer review, dammit! So, the question you've all been asking ever since Bruce Dickenson announced that he'd been working with Robinson's brewery to make his own beer is about to get answered. Is The Trooper a beer that really gets its Hooks in You or will this beer become just another example of The Evil that Men Do? All I wanted to know when it came out was whether it was worth buying but, since I'm not Calirvoyant, I got off my lazy back side, travelled from Here to Eternity, only to find out that they were on offer and bought 3.

There has been a trend with celebrities stretching their proverbial wings and venturing into alcohol production but, like The Flight of Icarus, many of the attempts have been doomed from the get go. AC/DC have their Hell's Bells Sauvignon Blanc, Slayer have their Reign in Blood Cabarnet and a wine by KISS that wasn't so much Strutter as it was a stutter. Not to mention that this is not the first time that Iron Maiden have made some delicious alco-booze! Eddie's Evil Brew tasted of boysenberry and passionfruit, 2 things I never thought I'd see associated with the men who have the power to instil everyone on the planet with a Fear of the Dark. There are also wines from Motorhead, Ratt, Warrant and (although very much not metal) a collaborative beer made by Thornbridge and Reverend and the Makers.

What of this beer though? Will it go the way of Wickerman or will Robinsons Brewery, Bruce Dickenson and I become Blood Brothers?

First impressions? Well it strikes me as a traditional English bitter... Which is a good start. The label says that this beer combines bobec, golding and cascade hops to dominate the flavour with a subtle hint of lemon... Wait... What? Dominating with subtlety? Are you sure? Ok, it's your beer. There's also a light history lesson about the charge of the light brigade but we don't really need to concern ourselves with that. The beer itself pours well and has a thin head, it's slightly cloudy with medium carbonation. It's biscuity and bready on the nose, which suits its light, leather brown, body. It has a light to medium mouth feel with a very welcoming wave of soft lemon that is rather pleasing in so much as it means you could chug this for days but if you did decide to do that then I imagine you might eventually become rather bored as that lemon flavour is the only thing that makes The Trooper stand out. There's nothing before the lemon, there's nothing after the lemon, there's no depth, don't get me wrong, what you do get is nice, it's just nothing to write home about. Especially if who you're writing home to is an Iron Maiden fan.

I guess I have a problem with bands I love making beer... Which I love more; because there's only going to be one winner and it's not going to have an audience of thousands of black clad mentalists, it's going to have an audience of one. Me. I'm the one experiencing this beer regardless of who made it, I couldn't care less if the influences for the beer are the guys who brought me The Number of the Beast and 2 Minutes to Midnight, if the beer isn't great then it isn't great... And this isn't great. It's not bad, it's just not great. It needs a little something else, a little tweak of bitterness, a little kick of hops in the aroma, something to push this pleasing session beer into a future English classic. I imagine a lot of this has something to do with expectations; I don't associate Iron Maiden with light, sweet, lemon flavours. No, I associate them with bubbling pots of goo, the occult, battles from wars I've only vaguely heard of, torture and the glorification of the symptoms of mental illness. How that translates to beer I'm not too sure but I would have like something much more complex, interesting and substantial. I expected something mad.

Trooper stands up on its own so don't panic, it's not as if Maiden have become the proverbial Fallen Angel just for making this beer, you can still love them and you can love the beer too if you like, nothing is stopping you but nothing is stopping you from spreading your own wings and searching for something better.

Hint: Drinking this whilst listening to the Rock in Rio version of The Trooper definitely makes the whole experience a lot more fun.

Food suggestion: I'd love a big slab of haddock, plaice, sole or monkfish with this, though the way I'm thinking just involves the fanciest fish and chip shop you can think off and then eating out of the bag near a pond.

Drink this if you like: Iron Maiden. No, I'm not being facetious. If you like Iron Maiden then you will almost force yourself to like this beer regardless of whether you actually like it or not. The closest beer equivalent, however, is Harviestoun's Bitter and Twisted.

Special: Drew's Boston Holiday!

What did I expect before I went to the states? Part of me imagined that everyone would be drinking Bud or Coors and there wouldn't be a decent drink in sight, the other half of me somewhat suspected the truth but wouldn't let me get my hopes up too far for fear of them being dashed quite spectacularly. What was the reality? Well, as much as people do love their Bud in the states, it was clear to me that there was an onus on quality as well as the obvious onus on quantity (hey, stereotypes exist for a reason,) the first liquor store I visited (they have stores just for booze, you can't just get it from a supermarket like you can here... This fact baffled me for several days,) had a range so deep and jam packed with quality beer that I ran around like an excited child/tourist, taking pictures and screeching.

This is just the tip of the ice berg, people!

There was a plethora of high end beers from Germany, Belgium and England which included the likes of Piraat, Gulden Draak, Ayinger, Schneider Weiss, Aecht Schlenkerla, Samuel Smith, Meantime, Duvel, La Chouffe, Innis & Gunn, Hofbrau, Affligem and Chimay. On top of this they had a whole aisle dedicated to American craft beer! They had a wall of Sam Adams surrounded by Dogfish Head and Magic Hat, Sierra Nevada and Ommegang, all of it was relatively local (we're talking about America here, nothing is ever THAT local) unless it was too good or too big a craft brewer to ignore. "These American microbrews can't all be that good..." I pondered to myself, making an almost completely random selection that run me up into the vicinity of $80 (yeah, that's where most of my money went, though I did attempt to purchase my weight in silver and bronze age Marvel comics.)

BOOM! That's when Dogfish head 90 Minute IPA happened! A 9% hammerhead of a beer that doesn't so much sneak up on you than it does directly assault your taste buds and nasal areas with its SHEER DOMINANT WILL! A heavy mouth feel and punchy hops that make Mike Tyson look like he throws like a baby seal seal the victory for this horrifically uncompromising brew. Did I mention it comes in packs of 4 and that they average at $2.50 each? Now that's some strange economical voodoo that I want to master and then, in the future, bend to my will in a potentially flawed attempt at world domination.




"What else was there Drew?" I hear you crying, jabbing at your computer screen like a demented puppy at a set of glass, sliding, doors. Whoa! Hold your horses will you? I was getting to that!




Boom! Sam Adams, Little White Rye... Hahahahahahahahaha, what a play on words, hahahahaha. STOP IT! A deliciously fruity number with light hoppy tones that reminded me of a much more complex version of shandy. Sam Adams love using coriander and various peels in their sweet, sweet, alco-booze and this is no exception! The peel is prominent but not intrusive and all the other spice in there only adds to the refreshing, zesty, qualities of the beer. This may well have been the best of the lot but I didn't get to try all of them, I would've needed another 10 days in Boston if I'd wanted to do that. On top of that they have a selection of SUPER FANCY beers that come in bottles that look like lamps as well as a couple that they barrel age in Buffalo Trace casks and one that is Barrel aged for 18 months, hits the high 20's for abv and costs around 250 buckaroos! What I learnt about Sam Adams, however, is that they are a very impressive brewery with a dedicated team and a history for innovation and quality, 2 things that I had no idea they possessed before visiting Boston and, indeed, their brewery.

Fancy places like this.

There were a great deal of beers on display and I found that when I travelled, the restaurants and bars would all be supporting their local microbrewery with many completely obscure brews on tap in restaurants fancy enough to have un-laminated wine lists. This, however, all seemed normal to the people of Boston and Cape Cod who often gave me a look that would suggest that they questioned my general sanity when I enthused about local or interesting beer. It makes me think that beer, contrary to popular belief (in this country at least,) is one of the things America has been doing right all along.