Fuller's - Golden Pride

To me Fuller's will always be the crazy old man at the end of the bar telling shaggy dog stories about how he saved Churchill during a war he wasn't even old enough to be a part of, how he killed off the last of the dragons with only a cocktail napkin and a set of playing cards and how he invented toothpaste but originally intended it to taste like garlic and crushed narwhal horn. They will always be that guy to me, but with a twist. Fuller's have been there and done that... Wherever 'there' is, they've been there and 'that' is a horrible nickname for YO MOMMA! Let's not beat around the bush for MUCH longer, Fuller's are the big boys in the brewery playground and they don't need to take your lunch money because you are required, by many unspoken laws, to present it to them as tribute.

So it is that I finally come to the biggest boy in the gang, Golden Pride, an 8.5% behemoth that, unapologetically, comes in a pint bottle. Nope. No pussying out of this one. You're in for the long slog if you pop the cap on this bottle of brutality. It smells like the bastard child of a loaf of bread and a promiscuous grapefruit with an underlying threat of horrific alco-booze! It looks as dark and threatening as... Oh... Apparently what I was going to say was rather racially insensitive, so let's say it looks as dark and threatening as a hedgehog holding a detonator and a picture of your favourite sofa.

The first thing I like about this beer is that the pour is like an idiots guide to pouring. I'm sick as a dog at the moment and I'm too tired to do things properly so I just opened the bottle and poured in the general direction of the glass. "PERFECT POUR!" Announced Golden Pride triumphantly. I stared at the glass, amazed, as Golden Pride bellowed "Top Score! You must be some sort of KING!"

I am, I thought to myself...

It tastes like the London philharmonic would sound if they were only allowed to play instruments they had crafted from fruit and bread. It is balanced, drinkable and warming all at once, giving you hits of fruit, bread, malt and even a little hint of liquorice and there is precisely no hint of the 8.5% content. This is going pro at being a super-badass ninja because it even lulls you into a false sense of security by letting you win at the pouring game, patting you on the hand and telling you that you've got massive man parts... Even if you're female. Then BAM! Welcome to being drunk under a table! Stop being such a cliché you freakin' mess!

You want a rating? Go to a site where many idiots make tiny reviews about beer and then claim to be experts. You didn't come here for the rating, you came here to know what a good beer actually does to the working brain of a normal human being... I wouldn't know.

Drink Fuller's Golden Pride, because not drinking it would make you a lame. Now that's a review you can take to the bank!

Food suggestion: I'd love this with some sort of Morrocan tagine. A lovely hot, sweet, sticky, bowl of meat and sauce. GET IN MY FACE!

Drink this if you like: Staring into the eyes of a dead god and seeing who blinks first. He did. You win. FATALITY!

Préaris Blond and Quadruple

Several months ago I started on a journey with Belgian beer, one I had started a long time ago but could never prove actually existed. This is my proof. I've gone from the extremely popular Leffe from the extremely delicious Flanders set to the extremely small and enigmatic brewery Préaris, who only established themselves in 2011 and have already made 2 beers that I am literally tingling with anticipation to drink. Why am I looking forward to these so much? I got too excited and googled them... Maybe you should do the same...


Préaris Blond - 6%


A 6% blond that looks and pours like a mix between a traditional Belgian blond, with a wave of foam that flurries up as quick as a fight at Oktoberfest, and a traditional Czech pilsner, owing mostly to the lightness of the body and the clean and crisp colour of it. It, oddly, also smells more like a pilsner than any Belgian beer I've ever had... Could it be? Could this be the beer I've dreamed of? A mighty mix between the greatest producers of blond/pale/light beer (Belgium, Germany, Crech Republic?) All my life I have searched for a pale beer that has had the body and drinkability of a German helles or a Czech Pilsner but had the strength in character of a Belgian blond.

Is this it?

HOLY F***ING S***! THIS IS IT! THIS IS THE ONE! THIS IS THE PERFECT BLOND (for me!) I might as well just stop reviewing all other pale beers because nothing is going to beat this... Or will it? NO! It's like drinking the purest mountain water from a babbling brook and having it taste like a hoppy, slightly bitter, dream in which you are a unicorn and you stomp to death a small town of evil gremlins.

It is not mind blowing, as such, in the taste area because there are beers that taste like this but all of those are much darker, much thicker, much stodgier and much harder to get through. This is like drinking the tears of god from the gently cupped hands of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. This is an ideal, a vision of what all light, pale and blond beer should look, taste and feel like. It has hit all the nails on the head so hard that each one has filed complaints with personnel... You are required in court next Thursday.

If you didn't get this from the rest of the review... I... LOVE this beer. Do whatever you can to get your hands on it, especially if you're a fan of Belgian, German and Czech beer.

Food Suggestion: Steak, but not just any kind of steak, pick your favourite steak, pick a good restaurant or pick the best market, cook it the way you like it and smother it in all of your favourite things. Chill this beer down and then indulge yourself like some sort of decadent, yuppie, hog.

Drink this if you like: Houblon Chouffe... No? Not heard of it? Look it up. Find it. Drink it. Be the happiest person in the room. Repeat until all memories become regrets.


Préaris Quadruple - 10%

The pour has already intrigued me; in front of me I have a 10% quadruple which is darker than the lower intestine of an ancient sarlacc (Star Wars... Keep up!) Now most of this breed would be frothing and bubbling all over the place like a mad bag of fainting goats but this... This is restrained. It has a decent amount of carbonation and a reasonably sized head. What's it hiding? That's what I want to know! The head recedes and I peer, cautiously, into its murky depths getting a strong thump of salted caramel up my nose holes. That's not something I expected from this at all, it actually smells like a dessert and a nice one at that.

Oh wow... Wowee wow wow... That's just... Words can't... That's just so... It's hard to describe quite how deliciously civilized this big, bad, quad is. It's as thick and creamy as a crème brulee and tastes like a dark chocolate and caramel pudding that's been blended into a beer. I once had a pudding at a fancy restaurant in Folkestone that was essentially just a glass of chocolate and salted caramel with a big punch of booze in it. I struggled to finish it all because of how stodgy it was; if they'd given me this in the same glass then I would've greedily devoured it and demanded seconds... And then thirds.

Why the hell isn't this on sale everywhere?! Wake the f*** up, world! Awesomeness is on the phone, he's saying that Prearis is taking over! I've had a lot of Belgian quads in my time, I've tasted many of this ilk and I've done so fairly recently too but this is just a different league. It's deliciously decadent as well as being reassuringly warming and smooth; it's like a warm duvet on a cold day.

I really don't think I could ever get sick of this beer, it just has such an endearing flavour and a cuddly feel that just makes you want to mother it and then UTTERLY DESTROY IT WITH YOUR FACE PARTS! It is not advisable but I would happily drink a 1 litre stein of this, I would happily chug it until I couldn't feel feelings any more, I would down it in one and wear the stein as a hat, I would sip at it over the course of several years even to the point where the layer of thick dust on top became like the sugared crust of a crème brulee and I had to drink it with a straw and a chisel. I would drink this out of a rabid dog's eye socket and I would come back for more if it meant that I could be close to this beer again.

Do whatever you have to do to get your hands on this beer. Beg, borrow, become a man whore for the weekend... Just do what you need to do.

Food suggestion: A big bag of freshly made honey roasted peanuts or some lovely peanut brittle. Really treat yourself to some sweet nutty goodness... Unless you're allergic to nuts, in which case I'd suggest a crème brulee or a crème caramel; you know, something that won't kill you.

Drink this if you like: Feeling the loving embrace of an animated panda, slick with delicious caramel because, uh-oh, in this fantasy world that's all pandas are ALLOWED TO SWEAT! Drink this if you enjoy the taste of music or the look of your hand when you've just slapped an attractive member of the opposite sex right on the buttocks (BOTH OF THEM AT THE SAME TIME!)

Exclusive Belgische Bieren - Part 2

Piraat - 10.5%

Yargh! I be fixing to talk like a pirate from olden times during this review of grog, ye skirvy bilge rat! Why? Don't try and parlay with me, landlubber, lest I keelhaul your booty across all the seven seas! This here grog is from the far off land of Belgium, a place I hear is filled with gold doubloons and wenches of loose morals and even looser corsets! In this far away land there is a town called Flanders where the brew masters have the gall to use the pirate name. Are they fit for the captain?! Or will I be forced to switch back to me rum?!

...Ok... I'm done with talking like a pirate... For now. Piraat, first of all, pours one of the prettiest half pints I've ever seen. The foam is slightly off white but it is just so frothy and smooth, with an adorably uneven base, like the backwards R of Toys R Us, and there are tiny bubbles that leave generous speckling down the side of the glass as the foam slowly retreats. It smells deliciously bready and sweet with hints of that famous Belgian yeast but that doesn't seem to be the star of the show, not by a long shot. On the back of the bottle it boasts that this is "pleasantly overwhelming," a statement I wish to put to the test.

It tastes almost exactly like the most violent milkshake you'll ever drink, the kind you make on a dare and just decide to throw everything into. It is a little spicy and fruity with a voluptuously round body and a smooth figure that I just want to take behind the bike sheds and do bad things to. It looks a dark amber and tastes like spiked maple syrup. The best thing, however, is that when you tip your glass you can never see through it because the foam forms a white barrier that only slowly retreats towards the drink itself, it makes me feel like I'm drinking cake mix from a giant bowl. This is such a delicious and impressive beer that packs such a massive punch but in a way that is suave, sophisticated and refined... This beer is like getting punched by James Bond!

Food Suggestion: Don't eat. Just drink... Well, eat before or after, just not during. You'll spoil the moment. Shhhh. That's it. Just enjoy the moment. (I may already be drunk.)

Drink this if you like: Happiness.


Leute Bokbier - 7.5%

What is it with those pesky Belgians and making beer that both tastes delicious and looks good enough for a celebrity golfer to have a sordid affair, that will ruin all relationships with his lucrative sponsors, with? It's almost like they're a nation that's obsessed with the art of brewing... Oh wait...

This has a much more traditional baker's foam but what lies beneath is so deeply brown that it borders on black. I'm sitting in a well lit room and I'm starting to question whether the beer reflects any light at all, it just looks like an alcoholic void. The head is VERY slow to retreat and the whole thing smells like a very bitter coffee. It is possible that I may not have picked the smartest glass to drink this from... I suggest using something like a tulip to unleash the full potential of the beer. Most of the time glasses just don't matter but I'm starting to think they do with Belgian beer.

The taste is satisfying and full, refreshing and bitter, and when the foam does eventually retreat it leaves little statuettes of things, long dead, like a God of geography, playing with the, slowly crumbling, side of a cliff. Where this triumphs is in not showing its hand straight away, it tells you, straight up that it's dark and it's strong and that it may contain traces of goat but when you drink it you just get a nice, refreshing, bitter hoppyness that I would better associate with the likes of a nicely chilled black IPA.

This dark beast with an intimidating head and demeanour turns out to be as smooth and as easy to drink as any pilsner I've had, which is dangerous considering that this weighs in at 7.5%. Rate Beer suggests you drink this out of a stein. I suggest you drink it out of something that's less likely to put you in hospital.

Food Suggestion: Something hot and spicy, maybe a really hot Thai green curry or a red Thai curry if you're feeling fancy.

Drink this if you like: Brodie's Dalston Black, Black Betty by Beavertown or any black IPA you might happen to stumble upon.


Gulden Draak - 10.5%

Just like the late Michael Jackson, Gulden Draak is white on the outside, brown on the inside and should not be left in a room alone with children. Why? Well, today, my beer has a picture of a mechanical, golden, dragon on it. Does yours? No! Then I win! Not only is it quite an appealing bottle to just pick up and drink but it pours like molasses and smells like I just fell into a vat of yeast and acidic berries, though it does have an odd little hint of soy sauce, which I find intriguing. It has an impressive but controlled head that tapers away quickly enough, leaving behind half a finger of foam and is as dark as a crater on the arse end of the moon. All signs point to this being as fun as playing with Lego whilst still on anaesthetic after a major operation.

Boom! I totally called that! This is a dangerously drinkable 10.5% beer! It just shouldn't be allowed, but since it's happened I guess I shouldn't complain. After 2 mouthfuls you'll feel a little drunk, which makes the rest of the glass taste even better! What a cunning stunt! There are hints of bread but there are big, refreshing and sweet flavours that give you a hint of liquorice underneath a chunk of fizz that bubbles away, like a contented purring kitten, on your palate.

This is like the Beauty and the Beast all over again except without all the talking furniture... Though maybe it's more of a Jekyl and Hyde because nobody's French... (10 minutes, half a glass, I'm starting to lose it a little already.) If you can find it then I definitely suggest you cough up some change and prepare to glug down a real beast, a real monster, a real...Dragon of a beer!

Food suggestion: Anything that you can cook with your own fire breath.

Drink this if you like: Reducing to rubble the fortresses of, once mighty, civilizations or lording over great piles of stolen gold and jewels.

Exclusive Belgische Bieren - Part 1

For all my Belgian friends out there, do not worry when you read my other reviews (and I know you do *w-wiiiink*) I am not scared of your delicious beer, nor do I dislike it, this could not be further from the truth. I don't write about it so much because I often don't have a chance to get my hands on the good stuff. But have no fear because you Belgian beer geeks have a guardian angel, yup that's right, I have a covert agent (she's actually my hairdresser) who is fighting for her, and your, national pride. If you ever see Kim Debree, give her a slap on the back and buy her a drink for making your country look so freakin' badass!


Augustijn - Blonde 7%

I love Belgium, I love Belgium almost as much as I love beer itself because when you think of Belgium, you think only of 2 things: The super awesome beer they have there and the logistics of getting several gallons of it in your face.

Augustijn Blonde is a hefty 7% that, for me, embodies everything a Belgian blonde should be. It's frothy and excitable, smells as sweet as a sugar explosion in Willy Wonkas' (lesser known) bakery department and looks as appealing as [insert name of celebrity crush here] licking [insert favourite type of sauce here] off a [insert type of fruit that vaguely represents genitals here.] Though that doesn't really work for me because all I get from that is Sophie Ellis Bextor licking Brown Sauce off an Avocado... Which isn't very appealing at all! Augustijn Blonde, however, is VERY appealing, it pours exactly how beer pours in cartoons except better because I can't drink stuff straight from the TV... Yet.

The foam, like drunk clubbers pre-drinking at a Wetherspoons, is thick and rambunctious and the head muffin tops off the edge of the glass like a big girl who's decided to let it all hang out. We don't care, curves are sexy! Have I mentioned the smell yet? It smells like Belgium, to put it simply, you know that smell you get with EVERY Belgian blonde? Yep, pretty much that... Not that that's a bad thing, they got something right and they stuck to it. Fair play, I say.

The taste is a LOT smoother than I expected. Normally when I get a hefty blonde I expect a Zidane style head butt of booze but this is more akin to his foot work: subtle and skilful. The taste is sweet with hints of caramel but the star of the show is the body. Somehow they have created a delivery system for 7% worth of super-strength Belgian alco-booze that is as sweet and as easy to drink as its German counterparts, beers that are often a few percent lower. This beer is DANGEROUSLY drinkable which, at 7%, just makes it plain old dangerous.

Do blondes have more fun? I'm starting to suspect they do...

Food suggestion: I'd love a lamb shank with this, though I'd happily tolerate a basket of freshly made bread and some olives. I don't think food is a massive issue with this though as I would happily become fat, sustaining myself on the froth alone.

Drink this if you like: Staring at your beer because it's so damned pretty... Leffe Blonde is the obvious comparison but if you've had other Belgian blondes like Affligem and got along with them then you'll get along well with this. Equally, if you like Bruges Zote or Vedett then you would appreciate this too. There's a whole lot to love about this beer.


Augustijn - Brune 7%

Yet another big Belgian beer that rushes straight out of the blocks with a tower of head and heavy carbonation. It smells of rich, sweet, bread with a big old smack of caramel, all of which culminates and gives me the impression that I should not be drinking this out of the tiny Guinness brand, half pint, mug that I chose, but instead out of a witches cauldron inside a house made of gingerbread.

I really don't know why it is that monks make the best or, at least, most exciting booze. They've given us, or have at least contributed to the creation of, many of the big names in European beer and, on top of that, they had the time to come up with Chartreusse, a super-mental drink that I barely remember drinking. I'm pretty sure monks had little to do with this beer but there's one on the label and that's good enough for me!

This is so deeply satisfying to drink because it embodies what a rich Belgian brune should have. It's got that slightly sickly sweet taste that is mellowed out by a smooth body and the playful foam. This is a joy both to drink and to look at. My tip would be to drink it out of a small glass, you only ever get a bit out at a time because it foams up so quickly but what that does is give you the impression that the bottle itself is never ending, as if you'd been cursed after an altercation with a gypsy fortune teller but she missed and hit your beer... Now your beer is destined to live on and on, never knowing death and seeing all the ones it loves age and decay...

NOPE! TOO LATE! ALL GONE! Take that, Never Ending Story! I just drank your face! How d'ya like them apples?! What's that? I can't hear you... You've got nofreakin' face!

...7% is the answer to the question you're thinking.

Food suggestion: Gimme a big sloppy jug of this in a pancake house and watch me make an absolute pig of myself.

Drink this if you like: Again, Leffe Brune is the obvious choice but you'll like this if you like Rum Cask by Innis & Gunn, there are a ton of similarities between the 2 though this is slightly more excitable and the Rum Cask is slightly higher percentage.


Augustijn - Grand Cru 9%

The biggest, percentage wise, out of the 3 Augustijn brews is the Grand Cru, weighing in at an impressive 9%. Everything about this beer just screams that it's going to be fun, everything from the pour to its snow white head that is quick to rise and slow to fall, leaving light speckling on the side of the glass. It smells very light with a little hint of that Belgian yeast that I'm so used to smelling. Maybe the aroma is the calm before the storm...

Big hoppy flavours with hints of bread and a delicious kick of fruit at the finish. I love how this is hoppy but not bitter and I really love how this is 9% but tastes like it could be 4%. It's another one of those ninja beers that lull you into a false sense of security and then, before you know it, there are shurikens all up in your business! I wouldn't suggest a heavy session of this but if you're out at a Belgian restaurant and you fancy something with your chips and mayo then you could do a lot worse than this. Maybe this isn't my favourite out of the 3 I've tried but it is a very likeable beer with deep character, complexity and a drinkability factor that is higher than many well established Belgian names.

This beer tastes big and, after half a glass it definitely FEELS big (that's what SHE said. Boom!) I suspect this could make a lot of proud men look like little sissy pansy men who can't hold their alcohol. Maybe they would be better suited to something more their speed, say... Oh I don't know, a Fosters shandy!

Food Suggestion: I really like the idea of this as a Christmas style beer because I think it'd go well with a leftover turkey sandwich with stuffing and cranberry sauce.

Drink this if you like: Similar in flavour to Kwak but similar in look to many Belgian blondes. A hybrid of sorts with a kick like Mirko CroCop.

Lowenbrau Original

It's odd, you couldn't move for this stuff when I was much younger. I've heard stories of how Safeway cut a deal with Lowenbrau and sold it for half of what everyone else was selling it for... And then Safeway went the way of the greedy Dodo and popped its clogs, leaving poor Lowenbrau (brewed by InBev) out in the cold. I haven't seen a bottle it since my trip to Munich and before that I hadn't seen it since I was around 8 years old and at that tender young age I was far too young to appreciate it, I was busy being baffled by the mechanics of transformers. The Munich 6 are like the holy grail for me, each representing a chapter of beer history, so what's the story behind Lowenbrau?

Well, if I may concentrate on the beer itself for just a moment, it smells like honey wafting in a summer breeze and tastes as sweet and as a boozy butter biscuit. Like the rest of the big 6 it is supremely easy to drink, making it perfect for drinking out of giant steins that dwarf your tiny, sozzled, face. The beer is lovely, it trumps most anything else you'll find in the imported beer section of your local supermarket, even fellow German Warsteiner (who I am a big fan of,) falls a little short.

What I like about Germany is that they don't have BAD beer like we have BAD beer. We have Carling and Fosters and Stella, all of which is BAD beer. I asked a German tour guide if there was a "worst" beer in Germany and he said "Ja, zere iz a wurst bier," except in a less racist way, "it is ze non-alcohols bier! Haha!" Which sums it up really. I'd say that Becks is their standard beer over there, the one they sell to tourists, the one they export the most, the one you could compare most to our Carling, but even that kicks the s*** out of our worst beer.

Lowenbrau is now on sale in a Sainsbury's close to where I live... It came out on sale for a fiver... I don't think I've ever been happier to be in a Sainsbury's than I was when I saw that 6 pack sitting, as if nothing big was happening, on a shelf next to the likes of Cusquena and Asahi who, even though they try, are LESSER beers, sitting in the shadow of a giant. It's good to see Lowenbrau back on sale here. Hopefully the rest of the big 6 will follow suit.

InBev have the rights to Franziskaner, which is on general sale here, they also have the rights at all the Spaten stuff and I would LOVE to see that on general sale too. Let's start a petition!

Food Suggestion: German food. Eat any other kind of food with this and you're dumb as a bag of poorly constructed similes that go on for longer than they really need to.

Drink this if you like: Drinking with your friends, wearing lederhosen and practising dances that involve slapping each other on the butt!

Brakspear - Triple

Pouring like how I imagine a mix of honey and jam would if they had been carbonated, Brakspear come bounding in like an excited Labrador who's just had a lovely swim, with their Triple, so called because of their 'Double-Drop' system added to an extra fermentation in the bottle. Count along with me kids...

1 fermentation... AhAhAh.
2 fermentation... AhAhAh.
3 fermentation... AhAhAh!

However, even with all those fermentations, this is still only 6.7% which, for its breed, seems a bit like weak sauce. Maybe I'm wrong (something I highly doubt.) What it gives away in boozey brass tacks it more than makes up for in charm, it has a fruity and yeasty aroma and sticky uneven head that is playful in the same way that whipped cream and a blind fold made of duct tape is playful. The colour is a sticky, dark, brown and there is a decent punch of carbonation.

The taste is very smooth and bready with little hints of the fruitiness that the aroma alluded to, as well as a rich, round, toffee feel with only a small kick from the alcohol at the end... Seemingly just to remind you that it's there. With a taste like that as well as a smooth, refreshing, body I am surprised that this only comes by the half bottle. I could drink a litre of this out of a boot or a yard of it out of... A yard glass. This beer is much more fun than the label would have you believe. I look at the bottle and think that this is going to be a drink for old men who like beer the way it was in the 70's, there's nothing exciting about it to entice me to drink it and that's exactly why it's been sat in my beer cupboard for nearly half a year. I'm only drinking it now because I'm between themes and I didn't want to write a rushed review about the bundle of Belgian rarities I was recently given.

So, for a stepping stone, this wasn't bad at all. Lovely body, decent taste, warming kick and, like hooker with insomnia, head for days.

I still don't have a ratings system but I shall rate this as 7 turnips out 25 because the rest are rotten and you can't make beer out of turnips.

Food suggestion: I really want a steak when I drink this. Not a REALLY good one, just the kind you get from Beefeater, better than average and slathered with a sauce that's so greasy that, if secretly added to someone's breakfast, could be considered worse than grinding fibre glass into their mid-afternoon coffee.

Drink this if you like: Doom bar is quite similar, though a lower percentage, and Wadworth 6X is a good shout if you prefer something lighter and a bit more on the fruity side.

Paulaner - Salvator

I wish I had a t-shirt that said "I <3 Germany" with a disclaimer on the back that says "...Well. Just the beer and the efficiency with which it is put in front of me." I went to Munich last summer and I've been in search of the big 6 (Augustiner, Hofbrau, Spaten, Hacker Pschorr, Paulaner and Lowenbrau) since I returned to England. I've found bits and pieces, I've found a bottle of Augustiner (that I greedily snaffled up on Christmas and didn't review due to all the fun I was having,) and a bottle of Spaten Oktoberfest, which was delicious. I had a crappy imitation of a Lowenbrau in a local establishment but the less said about that the better. So it is that I come to Paulaner Salvator, the ORIGINAL Paulaner, the one that monks used to drink instead of eating bread during lent. This has a lot of history and a lot to live up to, but does it?

(Of course it does, I haven't even tasted it yet and I know it's going to.)

On the nose it's soft and malty with a hint of fig and raisins, suggesting that the beer itself is going to be smooth with a good bite of flavour. The other indicator is that it's a 7.9% doppelbock and when you get a beer like that then flavour is somewhat implied. Drinking it is like drinking a smooth version of some delicious brandy with a side of hot crossed buns, dripping with melted butter. The texture is creamy with a little fizz, making it is drinkable as the very tears of god.

The maltiness in it is somewhat reminiscent of malt loaf and there is a bread like quality to it but it is somewhat over powered by the sheer force of the sweet, tangy, raisin and malt flavours. It does taste like you're drinking history, I can easily imagine drinking this instead of eating, though I'd prefer to have this with a meal but if I had to choose between drinking and eating then I'd hope that having a beer blog speaks for itself.

It's so satisfying, sometimes, to drink beer that's ALL about the malt and less about the hops because you get such a deep sweetness and richness that is often lost elsewhere. I would advise anyone who is interested in beer history to give this a shot... A pint... And then a litre Stein.

Food Suggestion: This was made for lent, I'm writing this review around Easter, it would only be appropriate to eat this with a bit of stollen cake or a couple of hot crossed buns. If you're feeling like a glutton then you can crack open you're Easter eggs too. Religious holidays have such odd food associated with them.

Drink this if you like: Kill Your Darlings by Thornbridge is very similar to this with maybe a little bit more of a wild side compared to the traditional demeanour of Salvator.

Harvey's - Christmas Ale

There's nothing quite like celebrating the imaginary birth of a child that will one day become a master brewer (water into wine etc.) by drinking Christmas beer in April... A date that'll be a lot closer to the actual birth of the fictional child. I dislike reviewing Christmas beers at Christmas, I find that there's much too much pressure for me to drink the beer, put my critical hat on and then fart out a review, something that many other "critics" tend to do during the festive season. I think, however, that beer is beer and that putting "Christmas" in the title just makes it a poorly named and oddly specific beer.

With that in mind, here comes Harvey's Christmas Ale, an offering from the Sussex brewers who I have nothing but respect for. People rave about them... Mostly people FROM Sussex but that just shows me that they're proud. I've never had a bad pint in a Harvey's pub and that's the way I want to keep it. It was a rave, in fact, that got me interested in the beer in the first place... Though not the kind with the glow sticks and the drugs and the awful music that, whenever I hear it, makes me reconsider life itself. It was the drunken rave, though I prefer the word "blatherings," yes, the drunken blatherings of a man at The Bottle Shop who would NOT STOP going on about it.

"Fair enough" I thought to myself, "let's put my money where his mouth is!" (Oddly this is a philosophy that hasn't gotten me particularly far in life.) Christmas Ale pours a dark mahogany with little carbonation and a head that resembles the pre-pubescent beard of an albino child, but that's ok, not everything needs to have a head that you could use as a substitute for mortar. The aroma is a sweet mix of raisins and figs, which is perfect because that's what it tastes like. It is smooth and a definite thirst quencher, which is dangerous considering that it's 7.5% It's got that lovely malt loaf taste to it that I'm starting to see more and more, especially with English ale.

Does it taste like Christmas? No, how can a beer taste like an abstract concept? Don't be silly! Does it taste like some of the things I might have at Christmas? Yes! Now you're being sensible! There's a little of the boozy fruit cake about this, a pudding beer that is easy to drink and can be quaffed, sipped or chugged by young (not too young. Naughty, naughty...) and old alike. Maybe this represents more the spirit of Christmas than anything else because I can imagine a LOT of people getting along with it very well because it's balanced, fruity, drinkable and slightly warming... What's not to like about that?

Ok... It turns out this is a good Christmas beer. Harvey's were oddly specific and, this time, correct.

Food Suggestion: A full turkey roast with all the works including home made cranberry sauce, home made bread sauce and a gravy made from the blood sweat and tears of whoever is being forced to cook a Christmas meal at the beginning of Spring.

Drink this if you like: Kill Your Darlings by Thornbridge is the closest thing to this that I can think of. I guess you could buy this if you specifically like buying Christmas beer, but that would make you an odd little duck who'll buy anything, regardless of whether it's actually good or not... This review isn't for you.

Fresh Hopped Bohemian - De Molen & Gadds'

Gadds' and De Melon (2 of my favourite breweries) combine in the most intriguing of ways to produce Fresh Hopped Bohemian, a 6.2% gold/honeyed brown, sweet smelling beauty that smells of freshly made honey biscuits and, for all intents and purposes, is as appealing and inviting as sunshine. Everything about this bottle just screamed at me to buy it! If I completely ignore that this was produced by De Molen and Gadds' (which is a bloody difficult thing to do) then it's still advertised as a golden czech style lager that uses fresh hops! That's amazing... If entirely true.

The pour is a little shaky and there is very little head but the colour of it, a shimmering brown/gold hides the fact that the carbonation is somewhat higher than I originally thought. You have to look very closely to see all the tiny bubbles rushing to the surface but they're definitely there.

HOLY CRAP! I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT! A strong, yet refreshing, bitter orange taste that even leaves a little after effect that's not dissimilar to chewing the peel of a large naval orange. I'm not entirely sure what I was expecting from this but what I ended up with was a powerful flavour that's, by far, the most prominent part of the beer, attached to a light and refreshing body that, if attached to a lighter flavour, you would call a straight lager. How deeply interesting!

Elements of it are like biting through the skin of a grapefruit and then just lingering long enough for it to burn you. The flavour grows exponentially if you decide to have a chug, becoming more and more intense, like some sort of endurance test. There is also the hint of the sweet shop about this, it reminds me of when I used to buy super sour cherries and things of that ilk to see if I could handle them. I couldn't. However, I'd happily handle this all day because it hits you with its tangy power but never goes too far. I appreciate, very much, that this beer isn't scouring the taste buds from my tongue (even though it could) because I really need those...

Food Suggestion: A bag of Haribo Tangfastics and some rainbow sherbert. If only I was allowed to drink when I was 10, I would've loved this stuff!

Drink this if you like: Some of the Lambic fruit beers can be quite violently tangy but if you like that kind of thing, go to the Bottle Shop and ask them to pick you out the tangyest fruit beer they have. I've tried it... I'm man enough to admit I may have cried a little.

SWB - Dr. Paracelsus Bombastic Indigio Elixer

To describe this as anything less than an "odd duck" would be to undersell it massively. I couldn't really define the type of beer it was though it felt like a regular old dark ale... That was the only regular thing about it though, from that point on it turns into a mad scientist experimenting on animals that no longer exist with tools made out of gummy worms. It just has such confusing flavour and aroma combinations that are, in many ways, like trying to navigate a maze by having potted plants thrown at you from a sky ship hovering 50 metres above.

On the nose I got figs, I got blackberries and sloe gin as well as fizzy cola bottles and a heavy snoot full of booze, which somehow translated into it tasting like coffee, fruit juices with a tinge of root beer, culminating in an extremely rich and undeniably interesting drink that, at 8%, isn't winning any prizes for subtlety but is definitely taking the ribbon for creativity and, frankly, sheer bravery.

Bravery? Yeah, bravery. You don't make, bottle and sell a drink like this if your repertoire is weak. You produce beers like Dr. Paracelsus if you're a total badass who eats lightning and craps BIGGER LIGHTNING! The skill that goes into making something like this is beyond the comprehension of most mortal men and even in spite of that it's not going to be a beer that everyone's going to get along with, in fact I can see it pissing people off. I can imagine a lot of sour faces out there but mine was not one of them.

Dr. Paracelsus is definitely not for the poser - casual level beer fan. This is for the hardcore brew head with a hardened palate and a thirst for a challenge. Back off CAMRA, this ain't no weak sauce!

Food Suggestion: Eye of newt and deadly nightshade would probably be a good start. I really can't think of anything that would go with this and either match or compliment it. I reckon something relatively plain and unassuming that won't even try to add more to the party will be your best bet. Jacobs crackers and a level 3 strength cheddar it is then.

Try this if you like: Being challenged, though, more specifically, if you have ever tried International Arms Race by Brewdog and Flying Dog or Pannepot by Struise then you'll probably get a kick out of this.

SWB - Maelstrom

A double IPA that smells so deliciously hoppy that it could well have been used as an ointment to cure rubella, polio or Jimmy legs in ye olde times, this 9% beast pours like a stop motion video of bread being left to prove and comes in a shade of brown that hints a little towards agent orange. The effect of the two combined forms a beer that looks like it's very slowly breathing out. The froth is clean and leaves remains at the top of the glass and above the lip of the head but little in between. The smell, however, is the best bit when I consider upon first impressions because it's heady and hoppy with citrus and raisin tones coming through like a fat ninja.

The taste is quite powerfully bitter with a lingering after taste that reminds me of malt loaf, ginger bread and grapefruit... Mashed together and served as a fizzy brown liquid. The texture is smooth with a little edge that comes with the bitterness but that has to be expected with such a high percentage, only the most skilled craftsmen can make beer with lots of booze and no lash back, and even then I'd say they fail more than they win. Saying that, however, this can quite happily go down as a win in my book. This is a high quality double IPA from a company who seem to really want to push the boat out.

It's beer like this from breweries like this, who maintain such a consistently high standard, who make me question my often unwavering Southern Pride. I could drink this out of a lepers' boot and I'd still enjoy the hoppy aroma and the strong, bitter, kick, disguised in a smooth body that goes down as easily as a donkey with gummy worms for legs and an ear infection.

This, amongst many other delicious Drew Treats, was purchased at The Bottle Shop in Canterbury, just next to Canterbury West... A train station... You have no excuse!!!

Food Suggestion: I like curry, but I can't handle crazy heat. With this by my side I can see myself having the balls to take on a vindaloo in one of the spiritual curry towns/cities of the North. I imagine I'd end up crying, vomiting and then crying again but, hey... Doesn't matter, had Maelstrom.

Drink this if you like: Big tasting Double IPAs, or just particularly bitter IPAs like the Meantime one, which is readily available at most supermarkets.