Exclusive Belgische Bieren - Part 2

Piraat - 10.5%

Yargh! I be fixing to talk like a pirate from olden times during this review of grog, ye skirvy bilge rat! Why? Don't try and parlay with me, landlubber, lest I keelhaul your booty across all the seven seas! This here grog is from the far off land of Belgium, a place I hear is filled with gold doubloons and wenches of loose morals and even looser corsets! In this far away land there is a town called Flanders where the brew masters have the gall to use the pirate name. Are they fit for the captain?! Or will I be forced to switch back to me rum?!

...Ok... I'm done with talking like a pirate... For now. Piraat, first of all, pours one of the prettiest half pints I've ever seen. The foam is slightly off white but it is just so frothy and smooth, with an adorably uneven base, like the backwards R of Toys R Us, and there are tiny bubbles that leave generous speckling down the side of the glass as the foam slowly retreats. It smells deliciously bready and sweet with hints of that famous Belgian yeast but that doesn't seem to be the star of the show, not by a long shot. On the back of the bottle it boasts that this is "pleasantly overwhelming," a statement I wish to put to the test.

It tastes almost exactly like the most violent milkshake you'll ever drink, the kind you make on a dare and just decide to throw everything into. It is a little spicy and fruity with a voluptuously round body and a smooth figure that I just want to take behind the bike sheds and do bad things to. It looks a dark amber and tastes like spiked maple syrup. The best thing, however, is that when you tip your glass you can never see through it because the foam forms a white barrier that only slowly retreats towards the drink itself, it makes me feel like I'm drinking cake mix from a giant bowl. This is such a delicious and impressive beer that packs such a massive punch but in a way that is suave, sophisticated and refined... This beer is like getting punched by James Bond!

Food Suggestion: Don't eat. Just drink... Well, eat before or after, just not during. You'll spoil the moment. Shhhh. That's it. Just enjoy the moment. (I may already be drunk.)

Drink this if you like: Happiness.


Leute Bokbier - 7.5%

What is it with those pesky Belgians and making beer that both tastes delicious and looks good enough for a celebrity golfer to have a sordid affair, that will ruin all relationships with his lucrative sponsors, with? It's almost like they're a nation that's obsessed with the art of brewing... Oh wait...

This has a much more traditional baker's foam but what lies beneath is so deeply brown that it borders on black. I'm sitting in a well lit room and I'm starting to question whether the beer reflects any light at all, it just looks like an alcoholic void. The head is VERY slow to retreat and the whole thing smells like a very bitter coffee. It is possible that I may not have picked the smartest glass to drink this from... I suggest using something like a tulip to unleash the full potential of the beer. Most of the time glasses just don't matter but I'm starting to think they do with Belgian beer.

The taste is satisfying and full, refreshing and bitter, and when the foam does eventually retreat it leaves little statuettes of things, long dead, like a God of geography, playing with the, slowly crumbling, side of a cliff. Where this triumphs is in not showing its hand straight away, it tells you, straight up that it's dark and it's strong and that it may contain traces of goat but when you drink it you just get a nice, refreshing, bitter hoppyness that I would better associate with the likes of a nicely chilled black IPA.

This dark beast with an intimidating head and demeanour turns out to be as smooth and as easy to drink as any pilsner I've had, which is dangerous considering that this weighs in at 7.5%. Rate Beer suggests you drink this out of a stein. I suggest you drink it out of something that's less likely to put you in hospital.

Food Suggestion: Something hot and spicy, maybe a really hot Thai green curry or a red Thai curry if you're feeling fancy.

Drink this if you like: Brodie's Dalston Black, Black Betty by Beavertown or any black IPA you might happen to stumble upon.


Gulden Draak - 10.5%

Just like the late Michael Jackson, Gulden Draak is white on the outside, brown on the inside and should not be left in a room alone with children. Why? Well, today, my beer has a picture of a mechanical, golden, dragon on it. Does yours? No! Then I win! Not only is it quite an appealing bottle to just pick up and drink but it pours like molasses and smells like I just fell into a vat of yeast and acidic berries, though it does have an odd little hint of soy sauce, which I find intriguing. It has an impressive but controlled head that tapers away quickly enough, leaving behind half a finger of foam and is as dark as a crater on the arse end of the moon. All signs point to this being as fun as playing with Lego whilst still on anaesthetic after a major operation.

Boom! I totally called that! This is a dangerously drinkable 10.5% beer! It just shouldn't be allowed, but since it's happened I guess I shouldn't complain. After 2 mouthfuls you'll feel a little drunk, which makes the rest of the glass taste even better! What a cunning stunt! There are hints of bread but there are big, refreshing and sweet flavours that give you a hint of liquorice underneath a chunk of fizz that bubbles away, like a contented purring kitten, on your palate.

This is like the Beauty and the Beast all over again except without all the talking furniture... Though maybe it's more of a Jekyl and Hyde because nobody's French... (10 minutes, half a glass, I'm starting to lose it a little already.) If you can find it then I definitely suggest you cough up some change and prepare to glug down a real beast, a real monster, a real...Dragon of a beer!

Food suggestion: Anything that you can cook with your own fire breath.

Drink this if you like: Reducing to rubble the fortresses of, once mighty, civilizations or lording over great piles of stolen gold and jewels.