BBNo - 01|01 Saison Citra

Whenever I used to ask pub owners or barmen/women in London about Brew by Numbers I would universally get the same response and that would be "Oooooooooh! Saison Citra!" Which became tiresome after a while because it's like asking a whole load of people about Queen, only to get "Ooooooooooh! Bohemian Rhapsody!" Not that I don't like Bohemian Rhapsody, love it in fact, but there's more to Queen than that and there's more to BBNo than Saison Citra. However, at the time it was one of 2 beers that I had seen regularly from them, which I later found out was because of their relative scale as a brewery... Small. They've since invested heavily, got some really fancy new kit, and now they have mountains of beer in spaces where once there was only the potential for mountains of beer. Another reason that this may well be so fixed in peoples minds is that this was brewed at The Kernel and we all know about their intensely high standards now, don't we?

It pours like the perfect Saison, a light hazy, golden, body with cloud-like fluff that's so thick and luxurious that you could easily ice a cake with it. It's a single hop Citra but it has a few spices in the brew too so I expected the aroma to be zesty and interesting. I wasn't wrong. Zesty is EXACTLY the word I would use to describe it, so much so that I've now described it as such twice. It smells clean and lemony fresh like an organic cordial or walking into a lemon tree and breaking your nose, though without all the blood and pain (depending on how many of these you drink.) The head seems to want to remain throughout the entire duration of the drink and I imagine it'll still be there when I've finished. BBNo have managed to create the perfect head that is crisp, white and remains constant at exactly 1 finger.

Regardless of what time of year it is (it's winter) when you drink 01|01 you feel refreshed. Were you refreshed before? Well prepare to be EVEN MORE REFRESHED! The citric notes, hop zing and creamy head (it's odd that I actually notice it while I'm drinking it, it's really creamy and actually adds to the beer!) make this an instantly rejuvenating, refreshing, comforting, zingy wonder.

There's a reason people love Bohemian Rhapsody and it's because it's awesome.

Food suggestion: Lime sorbet, treat yourself to all the zingy madness in the world and bask in the worst ice cream headache you've ever had.

Drink this if you like: Similar in its refreshing nature to some of the Lost Abbey wonders but that one's down to interpretation.

BBNo - 05|03 IPA Amarillo Mosaic

I love an IPA I do, there's just something about having more hops than someone else, it's rather satisfying in an underlying unintentionally classist kind of way. Maybe it's not even that, maybe it's just that over the years I've associated a more pronounced hoppy flavour with a better quality of beer. Whatever it is I know that if someone asked me what my favourite hops were I'd say "OMG! AMARILLO AND MOSAIC! LIKE, TOTALLY!" Which is particularly convenient for this review because BBNo have only bloody well put them in an IPA together! (Though the label says Amarillo and Citra, something you might want to look at, guys ;) )

It's exactly how an IPA should look, clean, crisp, pure, with a thick head... Until you decide to dump the sediment in and completely ruin the aesthetic. I prefer it with a little bit of sediment anyway, I'll leave it for a little while but then I'll dump the sediment in like Dr. House dumps pills in his face. The thing I think is interesting about this, more so than the hops, is the malt they've used. Wheat and Munich (malts are important!) both of which normally create very smooth, very clean and crisp, drinkable beers and both are utilised heavily in German beer, which is as addictive as crack cocaine if you drink it fresh and from the source. So what I expect is a medium aroma, nothing massive, followed by a big hoppy burst and earthy pine qualities running through the core.

I got the aroma right, it's understated, it's refined, it's got a little bit of pine to it, which will probably be the Amarillo coming through. The head has started to recede too, no miracles like with the Saison Citra, which seemed to last beyond the 2 minutes it took me to finish that little beauty off. I was pretty close with the taste too, there's a whole opening act of hop bitterness that instructs more than it assaults, followed by a scene that revolves around a snowy forest, there's pine everywhere! This beer is a perfo
rmance, it goes through acts and scenes, some bitter and poignant, some earthy and comforting. All I can really say for sure is that this is some top quality brewing. Really, really, top knotch IPA especially considering how new to the scene they are. With only a handful of beers to their name they've already streaked ahead of people like Camden and Crate (easily) and are knocking on doors that belong to people like The Kernel. The quality is comparable! Seriously impressive beer!

Watch out for these guys. I want to say "they'll surprise you," but I've ruined all of that, haven't I?

Food suggestion: I always say Indian food for an IPA but this one has to be specific, it has such a smoothness and such a bite that only a top quality, creamy, sweet curry will do. Something like a Kashmir would fit the bill particularly well.

Drink this if you like: If you liked Wyoming Sheep Ranch by Buxton, you'll definitely like this.

BBNo - 01|07 Saison Nelson Sauvin

I mean the next sentence in the nicest way possible. 01|07 smells more like fancy soap than it does beer. I hate that I have to justify this, but I will.

We, as men, have little regard for things we cannot eat, drink, fix or kill and therefore the world of soap beyond the basics (dove, imperial leather, a brick,) is utterly baffling to us. This is why, whenever we are forced (by a broken shower) to actually take a bath, half of the scented body butters and bath salts will invariably go missing. This is because we will either attempt to eat them or turn the bath itself into some sort of stew, comfortable in the knowledge that we may never drink the stew because the main ingredient is our very own sweat, grime and effluence. That being said, though the body butter with jojoba beans (whatever the hell they are) and guava faces may taste like regurgitated ass, it'll smell good enough to draw us in... In some cases time and time again. In the case of 01|07, I reckon this would be some sort of apple and tropical fruit facial scrub that'd go well on toast or as a substitute for Nesquik.

Luckily this has the added bonus of tasting as good as it smells. It has a much more rounded body than many Saisons but retains a little hoppy zing that really gives you a kick if you fancy chugging it, which will invariably happen because the mouth feel is just the right shade of medium. The speckling is light but it spreads like a forest fire. There's a slight medicinal hint in the background which I don't think I'm entirely weird for liking, mostly because it helps with this kind of beer. It's like the ghost of salt living in the house that fruit built.

Another summer beer due to it's deeply refreshing nature but the rounder body means this beauty can be enjoyed all year round. Definitely worth the money, time and calories if you're on some sort of diet that involves counting them... Another example of something we don't understand.

Food Suggestion: Onion rings. Greasy ones. This beer almost tastes good for you, it really needs levelling out with something awful.

Drink this if you like: Similar mouth feel to the Saison Dupont but tastes more like the Dupont Biolegere. If I made a Saison, I'd settle for being compared to the big daddy of the breed.

BBNo - 03|02 Porter Liberty

Ok, fine, I'll start using their full names. I still think this would look a lot more badass if it was just 03|02, there'd be more mystery... In fact, this is my blog, I'll settle for some sort of self imposed middle ground, in this case it's by completely caving. Yay! 03|02 reads like a single hopped porter with impressive head but is actually Liberty/Zeus. It has light speckling and a body so dark that I recently heard a black hole remark "Oh sh*t! Now that is dark!" Upon seeing the drink being poured.

The scent is warm and all encompassing, hitting you with a massive punch of coffee and dark chocolate... Granted those are things you're always going to get with a porter but with this you at least get a whole lot of it. Before even taking a single sip I can already tell that this beer is going to be sturdy and steadfast, as comforting as an old pair of slippers and as enjoyable as seeing a sad clown quit his stupid job and do something worthwhile with his life. I don't even know that for sure but there's got to be something said for the fact that this beer can make me think that that's what's going to happen even without drinking it... Which really has to be the core point for beer even existing.

Well that's just ridiculous. That's it, I'm getting my coat and I'm going home... That was fast. Words can't really describe what a beautiful porter this is. My main beef with the breed is that they're samey and dull, they all have a little chocolate, a little coffee and sometimes they'll have a nice mouth feel too. 03|02 is like no porter I've ever had before because it is true to what a porter should be.

Ok, history lesson time, in the 18th Century the Porter became popular amongst hotel porters in London, which in itself is dull but it does explain the name. It is generally believed that the porter is the middle ground between a stout and an ale, though it is more accurate to say that it is simply a descendent of brown beer. This means that a traditional porter must contain characteristics of both an ale and a stout. 03|02 has exactly that! It has a medium mouth feel, which makes the beer more refreshing than it does rich or comforting, and that lets the hoppy bitterness mix with the malty sweetness, creating an easily sessionable, mildly complex, extremely pleasurable porter that can be had just below room temperature in winter or cold in summer. This is a real all-rounder, a credit to the name and a credit to the history.

Food Suggestion: I'd happily have this with a steak, barely cooked and bloody as a surgery floor on "national blindfold day." A glass of bitter, hoppy, sweet, darkness to go with it to make you feel like a real man. Maybe afterwards you should do some bench presses and fix a car. Manly. As. Balls.

Drink this if you like: I might go out on a limb and say this is the best Porter I've ever had. I never really got on with them before but this is a real head turner. I'd say that if you like any Porter by a high quality American brewery like Founders or Southern Tier then you'll LOVE this.

BBNo - 01|06 Saison Motueka Lime

From my very basic understanding of what a Saison is supposed to be, and it is really basic because the Saison is an odd undefinable kind of beer, I know that current trends and general consensus say that a Saison is supposed to be, at its core, 2 things. It is supposed to be light and it is supposed to be sprtizy. Spritzy isn't really a word but I'm sure you understand exactly what I mean. To be a Saison it should have that zing, that fizz, that undefinable quality that makes it the oddly beguiling style of beer it has become.

Now consider what BBNo have done here. They've made a light and spritzy saison with Motueka, a hop notorious for imparting an entire fruit bowl worth of flavour, and LIME, the spritziest and zingiest of all the fruits! What they've created seems, to the eyes and the nose, to be something quite magical. It pours as clear and as pale as spring water, has a light foam which leaves no speckling and smells like a fruit salad made with fruit salad sweets and garnished with lime. It is, as a concept, baffling in its beauty but it could be argued that Partizan have been doing stuff like this for ages with their Grisette series... Yeah, they have, but not like this. As far as aesthetics and... Nosethetics (?) go, this is in a completely different league.

It tastes like a saison, it's light, it's spritzy, it's got that core of yeasty goodness but it has hints of the smell permeating the flavour while you drink. Maybe the beer itself doesn't taste like how it smells but the combination of the 2 is excellent and if you take a big old chug, which you will, it starts to taste like some sort of delicious lime cordial. This would be absolutely perfect for a summery day, just pop the cap, relax in a piece of neglected garden furniture and watch the dogs roll around in the effluence of whatever vermin is indigenous to your area. Sounds perfect to me.

Food Suggestion: BBQ, no question, you've got to have BBQ with this. It's a summer drink, that's a summer food. I guess you should probably have some sort of salad with it too because that'd actually fit the drink better, but you certainly don't win friends with salad.

Drink this if you like: Could be compared to the Grisette series by Partizan but I'd say it's actually more similar in style to Partizan Single.

BBNo - 02|07

The title for this blog can be somewhat confusing if you're not particularly close to the current London craft brewing scene, which is fine, we're not snobs here, I just thought it looked so damn classy like that! I'll explain. BBNo, or Brew by Numbers, with 02|07, which is their code for their Golden Ale, brewed with Amarillo and Pacific Jade. It's either really simple or really complicated, depending on just how hard you decide to look at it.

It seems that there is nothing that Brew by Numbers can't do, they have even brought out 2 golden ales, seemingly in an attempt to revive the breed from neglect and mediocrity. When I went to Brodie's and mentioned that BBNo were making an "exciting" Golden Ale, I was nearly laughed out of my own van but after pouring this beer I can assure you that "exciting" really is the word. It smells piney and earthy, which probably comes from the Amarillo but there's a little hint of spice and warmth too. The body is indeed golden, absolutely spot on in the colour department with translucent cloudiness, medium carbonation and heavy lacing which simply whitewashes the sides of the glass if you tilt it.

There is a lingering, almost salty, bitterness that persists with a sweet and tangy base. A beer with 3 pronounced levels of being, starting with simple, smooth, pleasure; it's rich and sweet and delicious. After that it hits you with a big punch of zingy hop bitterness that dances on your tongue like a deranged and broken mechanical puppy. It finishes with a long afterburn, the kind that simultaneously lets you think that you're ok but also lets you think you could breath fire out of your nose if you wanted to.

An excellently crafted beer by a brewery who will, one day, be vying for British craft crown with the likes of Thornbridge and Kernel. You mark my words, it'll happen, they're that good.

...And the scary thing is that they're only getting better.

Food suggestion: Piri Piri chicken... Not necessarily Nando's... But I'm not exactly saying NOT Nando's... But it's not served there either, is it?... So, takeaway?

Drink this if you like: Similar to many American Pale Ales out there like Gamma Ray by Beavertown and Mariana Trench by Weird Beard.

Weird Beard - Fade to Black

Why are all awesome Weird Beard beers named after other awesome things? Is this one a direct reference to the Metallica classic? (It might not be a classic in its own right but Metallica made it so that makes it a classic in my books. If you don't agree then your books are stupid.) Who knows? All I know is that I love Met... Black IPAs, if you're an avid reader of my blog (you'd be fictional) you'd know that the black IPA is, by some considerable distance, my favourite style of beer. It's something about the way it's hoppy and decedant, smooth and violent, all at the same time. The guys at Weird Beard have set the bar high but on this one I've set it higher... So no pressure.

It starts off well enough, the pour is as easy and as satisfying as pouring cream; producing a thin, off white, head which leaves pretty heavy speckling. On my imaginary check list that's already one for how it looks. How does it smell? Can something smell dark? No, it can't. It smells like it's going to hurt... In a good way. This would be the point in time, if we were in a room together, that I'd give you a sly wink. Heavy, earthy, hops on the nose with a little hint of something sweeter underneath, like a guy who went to jail on assault charges and came out early because he taught other inmates to knit. So, check.

Niiiiiiice! Maybe one of the more bitter Black IPAs I've had but it definitely gives it something the other Black IPAs on the market don't have, it gives me the sense that this is, first and foremost, an IPA; a bitter-sweet IPA with hints of toffee behind the initial flurry of bitter hops, all of which sits on top of a deliciously malty, smooth, biscuity base. I like that. I don't want my black IPA to just taste like chocolate and coffee, if I wanted that then I'd buy some bog standard porter. Black IPAs are special because they can infuse the sweeter elements of your darker drinks to the hoppy madness of lighter ones. It's a happy middle ground. So don't judge a black IPA just because it's black... You massive beer racist.

...Also, check. Triple check. Lovely beer! Buy it, drink it slower than I did... It barely lasted 2 minutes, which, in beer terms, is like doing a shot.

Food Suggestion: Not food but this beer makes me want to crack out a fine Cuban cigar and strut around pretending to be a Columbian drug lord... Which I imagine would go down well in the upper-middle class conservative village I live in.

Drink this if you like: Similar in ways to Black Betty by Beavertown, which is maybe my favourite Black IPA (and therefore favourite beer.) An excellent example of the breed.

Drew's Brew: 2013 Awards!

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls (over the respective legal ages for drinking in whatever country you're reading this in,) welcome to Drew's Brew 2013 Beer Awards! Yaaaaaaay! This is a celebration of all the lovely beer I've imbibed over the last 365.242 days, but it should also act as a "to do" list for all you reading this. You've got to find these beers... Seriously.
To clarify, these awards are only for beers that I drank AND reviewed in 2013. I had crazy beers like Black Maria by To Øl and US Alive by Mikkeller but I stupidly didn't review them so they can't be on the list.

Firstly, a token award to show a bit of appreciation for the local (Kentish) scene.

Best Local Beer!

Westerhams - Viceroy IPA... And Audit Ale

Both by Westerhams, I couldn't choose between the 2. 1 makes me feel like I'm in Harry Potter (Audit) and the other is just an excellent example of what an IPA should be. They're both excellent beers and both would deserve to be in the top 5 if it weren't for ALL THE OTHER AMAZING BEERS.

Most Awesome Pub!

The Flying Pig 

My boss took us out for a bit of a Christmas cruise around London and we made our way to the Flying Pig. We drank the likes of Alesmith, Evil Twin, Burning Sky, Clown Shoes and Port Brewing. On top of that we were given a tour of the kitchens and I ate the most sumptuous BBQ I've had, especially in England, maybe ever. Situated in a bit of a dead zone, The Flying Pig are wearing the colours and flying the flag for great food and amazing craft beer. You need to check the place out if you're ever in South East London.

Before we get to the main event, there are a few honourable mentions; beers that, by all rights, should be on anyone's list but were just pipped to the post by the eventual Top 5. Consider this list the filling out of the Top 10 but in no specific order... Everyone was joint 6th.

Honourable Mentions:

Weird Beard - Mariana Trench

Ommegang - Abbey Ale

Brewdog - Jackhammer

Founder's - Old Curmudgeon 

Maui - Coconut Porter

Sharp's - Quadrupel Ale

Evil Twin - Yin & Yang

Goose Island - Christmas Ale 2012 

(really not a 2013 beer.)

Augustiner 

(though only if you're in Munich. Never drink it in bottles in any other country, it's not the same.)

Ok, enough procrastination. I can't think of any other awards that could even potentially matter... So here are the Top 5! ... In reverse order... For suspense!

5: Buxton - Wyoming Sheep Ranch

Ok, ok, this blog hasn't actually been posted yet, technically making it a 2014 beer but I drank it in 2013 so I'm counting it! A magnificently chilled out IPA that is somewhat like having a lovely walk through the country except this gets you drunk... Well, maybe it is kinda like a proper walk through the country then.

4: The Kernel - London Brick

Blog Link 

Super Malty and deliciously hoppy? The Kernel seem to be re-writing the book on what awesome beer should taste like... Like it used to, just MUCH BETTER!

3: Beavertown - Black Betty

Blog Link 

My ultimate game changer. Having a bad day? Black Betty. Train late? Loud, smelly, people bumping into you when you walk home? Black Betty. Run out of Black Betty? Black Be... Oh...

2: Stone - Ruination IPA

Blog Link 

The perfect introduction to Big American Hop Madness. I'm somewhat extrapolating what the beer would be like fresh from the bottle I had, which has probably travelled around the world a couple of times. It was awesome so I can only imagine a fresh bottle would be awesomer... Or maybe even on tap in the brewery. That would be awesomest.

1: The Kernel & Brodie's - Scanner Darkly

Blog Link

Everyone at The Kernel and Brodie's are freakin' rock stars! Imagine the look of sheer, child like, excitement on my face when I saw this collaboration. "It's like if Steven Tyler banged a model/singer/playboy cover girl and had a love child that'd grow up to be crazy freakin' hot!" I said to myself.

"That happened," my brain responded, "she's called Liv Tyler."

At which I stopped paying attention and let my brain implode with mega-joy. This is maybe my favourite beer of all time but I'll never be able to try it again to confirm that because it's unlikely it'll be made again. The Kernel make freakin' amazing stuff day in day out and Brodie's are too rock and roll for things like collaborations... Or bottling and labeling their beer. I'm totally cool with the nostalgia pulling this one into first place though. Congratulations guys (and gals!)

w00t w00t! Best beer of 2013!!!!

Weird Beard - Something Something Darkside

Sold to me (though "sold" is a bad word as the chaps at Wierd Beard were kind enough to give me this one on the house,) as an imperial stout with the hop levels of a double IPA (or regular IPA, I prefer to think it was double IPA.) Though massively impressive as a concept, it was redundant, they had me at "something something." Weird Beard have something for everyone... With a beard; whether it's a geeky nod to a beloved cartoon, which in itself is a geeky nod to a beloved movie classic, or simply making a massive 9% dark beer that smells like caramac and cut grass.

The smell really is something to behold, it's like walking into a fudge shop where they make the fudge just behind the counter. Have you ever been into one of those? Don't, you sweat through your shirt within the first 5 seconds because of the sauna temperatures, which puts you off the fudge because you imagine that the fudge you're about to buy must contain a LOT of flop (and probably pit) sweat... The smell, however, is awesome. The beer pours well and leaves moderate speckling (though I'm pretty sure a lot of this depends on what kind of glass you use,) giving the impression that the beer is a rugged little scamp that gets into all sorts of japes when all the servants and gardeners are off having tiffin.

It tastes thick, with the duel tastes of bitter hops and sweet fudge running through the core. It even leaves that slight, pleasurable, oily sensation around your tongue and lips without leaving any residue. You know the kind, right? When you eat something awful and sugary and fatty that manages to contain cream, sugar and other bad things like, I don't know... Heroin? And it leaves, what I can only describe as, the opposite of a tingle?

I don't think I've ever tasted anything like this before, it's a supremely decadent dessert beer that's dangerously easy to drink and could put you under the table quicker than if Darth Sidious force lightninged the utter s*** out of you! At 9% it's packing a lot of... Force... You can't joke around with this one, it's not one for BANTHA... The texture really is thick though, you could almost say it's... CHEWY...

These Star Wars puns doing anything for you? Because, frankly, I think they're hilarious.

Food Suggestion:

Drink this if you like: If you're a fan of all the quite exceptionally mad, barrel aged, sweeter than sweet yet darker than dark, De Molens then you'll be on board with this quicker than Luke Skywalker boarding Jabba's sail barge. (Not sure he did that... He sure is quick though and he probably could have if he really wanted to.)

Drink this if you like: Thick, ridiculous, imperial stouts like iStout or Even More Jesus.

Oh... Something Something Something Complete

Weird Beard - Chinook

My colleague @BottleShopRic is a qualified sommelier, he’s a yankee doodle dandy with a knowledge of beer so extensive that it puts mine, and that of most people I know, to absolute shame. He described this beer as “a bit special.”

“Great Odin’s Wolves!” I pronounced, “no need to gush! I’ll go see what all the fuss is about, just calm down a bit, eh?” However, by the time I actually got around buying a bottle, the shop had completely run out. Worse than that (though awesome from a business stand point) the rest of our wholesale stock had been sold back into London. Now, finally, I have managed to get my grubby mitts on a bottle. Tracked it down at Kris Wines, one of the places we sold a case to... This beer has been a long old way.

The first thing that hits you is the smell, don’t get me wrong, it’s a pretty thing too, dark and murky in all the right places; but that smell, that rich, creamy, smell of toffee and caramel that is so indicative of a good barrel aged beer. It’s like crack for the nose (though I think that’s just coke... Which this isn’t.) It smells almost like a kind of soup you might find in the staff room at Willy Wonka’s. To call it intoxicating would be doing it a disservice, it’s as thick as fog and as sweet as free chocolate.

It tastes as good as it smells too! Rich with a mouth feel like a milky coffee and a raisin, biscuit and brown sugar sweetness, with hints of toffee and the occasional twang of bitter hops. It’s not overpowering, it’s not something that’ll put you under the table... Yes it’s 7.4% but you’ll want to savour this one, enjoy it, swish it around a glass, gargle it, which leaves no time for chucking it down you and getting hammered. This is a slippers and fireplace kind of beer, if it was still cool to smoke a pipe then you’d want one of those in on the act too.

Food suggestion: Most definitely a dessert beer. Enjoy this with any fresh fig based dish and you’ll be in for a winner I reckon.

Drink this if you like: Founder’s old curmudgeon, though it wasn’t barrel aged, its maltiness brought a rich sweetness that Chinook definitely possesses.

Weird Beard - Camden Beard

Weird Beard seem to have 3 distinct schools of thought on releasing beer:

• Big, intricate, complex, temptresses that assault you and leave you in a ditch... In a super fancy kung fu style.
• Delicious and refreshing session beers that are as fun to drink as a game of Risk with an extremely competitive, high voiced, leprechaun with narcolepsy. (I think that would be super fun!)
• And "Little Things That Kill," (A bafflingly brilliant beer that is low ABV and still pronounced and hoppy. I would call it driving beer but that seems a bit irresponsible.) Which is obviously worthy of having its own section.

Camden Beard is the middle one. The big clue is that it comes in the big bottle (I r smrt =D ) but at 5.5% I don't think anyone but the biggest lightweight on earth would think twice about considering this as a session beer. I'm not sure what I was expecting when I cracked this bottle open, I think I was expecting a cloudy, white, wheat beer with an enormous head and the smell of banana bread. What I got was a pint of lively, oak brown, ale that smells deliciously sweet and hoppy. Winner! That's something I really like about Weird Beard, they make beers that pour well and look good... A horribly shallow thing to like but I'm sick of drinking flat and ugly beer, dammit! The Germans will send a beer back if it doesn't reach a predetermined level of head (it's a freshness thing,) but for me I'm close to the point where I'll send a beer back if it doesn't have spider-web lacing and smell like liquorice, mango and dandelions. Maybe I'll never get to that point but Weird Beard aren't helping me, not with their pretty, pretty, beer!

Dammit if it doesn't taste as good as it looks too! It's got the smooth wheat mouth feel but a softly pronounced hoppiness that lingers, throwing around hints of toffee and liquorice, playing with the malt to soften it and occasionally giving you a little tingle. This is just lovely, beautiful in its simplicity, and I reckon a perfect beer for a party... Depending on your age, anywhere below 19 and your parties are too much about getting hammered and vomiting to enjoy this properly. Above 31? This is for drinking! Stop trying to pair it with a blue cheese soufflé! This isn't dinner party beer and no we will not "kiss the chef," put that bloody apron away, you're embarrassing yourself and everyone around you.

Conclusion: For people who read the end of books and look up main plot points on wikipedia, this beer is good... If you like beer, you'll like this. If you don't like beer then you should probably stop reading.

Food suggestion: Pork scratchings, beef and mustard crisps, dry roasted peanuts, good old pub fare. Nothing too stodgy, stop short of chips and you'll be fine, you'll be needing all that space for more beer.

Drink this if you like: As sweet and soothing, refreshing and regenerating as Mariana Trench. I don't think I've consistently drank beers as quickly as I do beers from Weird Beard... There's something about them that make me want to make a mess and chug like a demon.

Weird Beard - Holy Hoppin' Hell

In my head the name is a reference to super hench and totally badass WWE mainstay Triple H so whenever I see this beer I can't help hearing the growling voice of Lemmy from Motorhead death rattle the words "TIME TO PLAY THE GAME!" Which is oddly appropriate when considering the purchase of a beer like this. This is a double IPA clocking in at 8.5% which is 0.5% above the threshold of my girlfriend's "wuss beer" margain but it looks fun, it looks lively on the pour but it doesn't spill over. It has a nice, thick, white head that leaves moderate speckling and it has the kind of smell that you could cut out of the air and chew on for a couple of days. It smells rich and thick with hints of brown sugar and orange.

I got one of the old versions, featuring green bullet, columbus, pacific gem and Dr Rudi and I know they've updated since but this is the only HHH review you'll be getting, I assure you... Unless someone wants to buy me another (Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiink.) The colour seems slightly darker than I remember the new one being, but it's a rich mahogany with slight cloudiness so I'm not complaining. The head is as thick and as white as Santa's beard with a boozy aroma that I imagine fits the comparison.

I like that the label tells me not to store it. Well... I'LL DO WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT, BOTTLE! DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! YOU'RE MADE OF GLASS! ...Ahem. Though the label also says that you'll thank them for drinking it, not something I do loud enough for people to hear it but I guess there's a first time for everything.

Oh mercy! This has a lingering sweetness running through it the same way fictional America had Forest Gump running through it, the sweetness just keeps going and going, never stopping, never giving up. It mixes with an intense mouth feel which is almost all encompassing, hints of chocolate orange darting around the place like a chinchilla with an ear infection and a drinkability that does NOT belong to a beer that could put you on the floor as easily as it could be poured into a glass.

This beer is dangerous yet alluring, tantalising and intoxicating. Well worth whatever anyone happens to be charging for it anywhere in the world... Unless it's more than, say, £8... Then you're probably getting ripped off.

Food suggestion: Crepes! Aww yeah! Crepes with Nutella and honey and bananas and sugar and lemon and EEEEEEEEEEEEEVERYTHING!!! Boom! That's right! Make it happen! ... Or apple pie, that'd work too I guess.

Try this if you like: Amnesia.

Weird Beard and Sad Robot - Saison 42

Yay! A beer made in reference to my favourite book ever! ... Wait... Oh no... This doesn't bode well at all. Did you read my review on the Discworld beers? I had pretty much come to the conclusion that no good can come from a beer that is made in reference to something awesome or by anyone in a metal band (Trooper sucked too.) I genuinely hope that this is the exception that proves the rule but it hasn't started well. As a general rule, I start to get pissed off with a beer if it takes longer than 3 minutes to pour. Longer than a minute is pretty shaky territory but 3 is, indeed, the magic number... FOR MY BOUNDLESS RAGE! This took around 2 and a half and it still looks like I need to go at it with a miniature shovel, a flake and a shell cone. As much as Weird Beard do indeed make some Rockin' Hot beer, they do seem to be a little inconsistent sometimes. I've poured a couple that have volcanoed from the bottle and there have been a few that simply exploded on the shelves. However, for every bottle bomb there has been a handful of beery beauties and I'm sure that these are probably just isolated exceptions so that doesn't automatically make it bad beer.

(I've recently noticed that the only ones that have lacked consistency are the collaborations. Weird Beard have enough of a name now, they don't have to do collaborations with smaller brewries, they can easily get away with doing some with the likes of Thornbridge, To Øl, Evil Twin maybe, all of whom seem to love collabs.)

As previously stated, it pours like an accident at a shampoo factory but produces a rich mahogany brown liquid which looks clean and crisp with intense carbonation. It has that good, stereotypical, Saison smell, though you've really got to bury your nose in deep to get much of it at all. The taste, however, is where it starts to pick up because it's zingy but also sweet and smooth with dollops of caramel and toffee. The zing can be bitter and sour but never impedes the sweet smoothness. I didn't think a Saison could be like this, I didn't think it could take me to the candy shop...

What started out as deeply disappointing turned into somewhat of a sweet little gem and at 5.7% I could see myself sessioning this... If I had an infinite amount of time.

I wish I'd made more hitchhiker jokes during this review but I reckon someone's probably already done that... And looked like a right knob. I'm a professional dammit!

Food suggestion: Have you ever cooked up a whole pack of smoky bacon just to eat it with nothing else to accompany it? No? Me neither, I'm not mad. However, it would be justified if you had a pint of this by your side.

Drink this if you like: Hitchhiker and waiting around.

Weird Beard - Mariana Trench

The Mariana Trench is the deepest point on Earth, how Weird Beard translate that into beer is odd indeed. I always imagined the deepest point of the earth to be rather dark, rather dangerous and (because of the multiple atmospheres of pressure) pretty damn heavy. This pours like a dreamy pale ale with a white, fluffy, finger and a half of head that looks about as appealing and inviting as a welcome mat made of sunshine and boobs. It's a little murky due to the bottle conditioning but this amber hued beauty looks, for all intents and purposes, to be a joyous treat for a lovely summer day. It sucks that it's Winter but I never was a stickler for seasonality anyway.

The hoppy aroma as like a mole. Like a mole? Yes, like a mole. It burrows under you and then hits you like a freakin' ninja... Which is why moles always wear black... Ninjas. It's that sweetly subtle hoppyness too, not a gut punch of mega-bitter-death smell, which suits the beer rather well.

The big initial bitterness balances out into a sweet, light, wheat flavour that may or may not be in there, which reminds me of harvest festivals as a child. There's a round citric tang that never pinches you like some beers do, this kitty purrs like a Persian and nibbles more than it does bite. I could drink this for days, pass out, do it again and watch those days turn into months and those months turn into years. One day you'll find me on a man made mountain of Mariana Trench bottles, all empty, each once containing something on which I once sustained myself. At the top I would be a disgusting, bloated mess that once upon a time represented an actual human being... But I would be happy...

If it was Mariana Trench.

Food Suggestion: Pizza is the best food ever, right? Of course it is. Get one of those. Your favourite kind with all your favourite things, whatever they may be. Get that, drink this, live forever in a state of woozy joy.

Drink this if you like: If you like Gamma Ray by Beavertown then you'd probably get on well with this, it's more subtle and slightly more aromatic but it is as thirst quenching and deeply satisfying as the B-Town Ray.