Saint Omer 8.0 Biere Forte

Looks much cooler in this picture than it actually is.

Not too long ago I gave my dad £40 before he went off to France for his annual booze cruise, I gave him a list of my favourite beers from my recent holiday in Germany as well as some Belgian and French ones that I have fond memories of. He returned with a couple of interesting bottles but the bulk came in the form of 3 cases of Saint Omer... The one with the big ominous 8% plastered all across the front of the can and in that instant I thought to myself, "Oh f**k! He's bought me 3 cases of French special brew." I knew how Jack's mother felt when she sent Jack out to sell their prize cow only for the little bastard to come back with magic beans, but not unlike that story, these 3 crates of magic beans came up trumps.

No, it's not subtle, in fact it's about as subtle as a Viagra advert having construction workers hammer nails with their throbbing nethers, but it is merely a stronger and more flavoured version of the regular Saint Omer. Now I will say this: I would kill, LITERALLY KILL, to have a mass produced beer, made in this country, that didn't taste like cold, arm pit, sweat. The beer gods were not kind when they decided what mass produced beer would represent England, seemingly they were playing a game of "beat yourself repeatedly in the face with a crow bar until you get irreversible brain damage" and decided on Carling. Though France don't have the best beers in the world (we'll leave that to the Belgians and the Germans for the moment,) they do have a beer that is both tolerable and cheap.

So I was surprised when I cracked open a frosty can (don't drink this warm!) Because it was pleasant, it was maybe a bit plain and you could get hints of the alcohol coming through but it was nice enough. The lack of subtlety comes when you're on your second can and your face down on the kitchen floor in a pile of your own sick.

To that end I have developed a way to deal with this drink that turns it from an ugly duckling into a bigger, uglier, duckling with huge fake tits. What you need is a litre glass, they're not easy to find but lots of blokey, gadget, shops do them. Once you have that, go to Waitrose. WHAT?! NO! TESCO, SAINSBURY's or ASDA WILL NOT F**KING DO! LISTEN TO THE INSTRUCTIONS, GO TO FU**ING WAITROSE! Then buy the own brand lemonade, sugar free if you're a big girl's blouse who's worried about losing their womanly figure. Chill both, put them into the litre glass and f**king enjoy. Yes, it's a shandy, but it's a shandy that involves a pint of 8% foreign hoozits, which means you can drink twice as much in half the time. Ask yourself this one simple question: Have you gotten completely wrecked on JUST shandy before? Omega Shandy! BOOM! Do it!

If you do it right then it'll look like this. If you do it wrong then you're a freakin' idiot because it's just beer and lemonade! Get your life sorted out!

Food tip: Anything that you would normally have on a picnic. Get all your picnic food, make yourself a few of these and then instantly fail at leaving the house, you know it makes sense!

Drink this if you like: Seeing double for a week.